The way back
by caracol
Summary: Sequel to "A rite of passage". All human. Very OOC. A story about becoming adult, dealing with your past and your future.
1. Chapter 1

I exited the lecture hall still in a daze, daydreaming between the _Sturm und drang_ and the more mundane preoccupation of needing to wax my legs that night, when I found myself walking along a blonde girl I didn't particularly liked.

"You're Isabella, right?" She asked while brushing back her wavy hair and moving her hips more than it was physically necessary for a female to walk, all while shaking the almost nonexistent miniskirt.

"Huh?" Was all I muttered while I wondered if she truly felt comfortable in her skimpy clothes, or it was a sacrifice she was willing to make to attract someone or to belong somewhere. I almost felt moved by this thought. Maybe we were closer than I thought. Weren't we all trying to figure out where we belonged after all? But I said I _almost_. Not quite completely moved.

"I'm Cammie" She said pointing to her spilling cleavage.

"Nice to… meet you?" I said still wondering what her ulterior motives may have been for her to want to know me. I wasn't putting myself down, I just couldn't see her agenda yet.

"What do you go by, Izzie? Bella?"

"You can always call me Fred." I said tired of how hard she was trying.

"You are a weird chick."

"And you are very insightful." I mocked.

"Anyways, do you have a partner for the midterm project?" She asked completely ignoring what I had just said.

"I thought about doing it on my own." I replied.

"What about me?" She asked flashing her best-rehearsed smile.

"What about you?" I mirrored her.

"We could be partners. I know that you do very well in this class, but I can help you outside class you know? In the real world."

I knew where she was going but I decided to go along just for kicks.

"And by that you mean?"

"I could give you a makeover and you could come to parties with me and stuff, you know, to get some boys interested."

Wasn't she the Mother Teresa of party girls?

"What if I don't swing that way? Maybe I'd be more interested on _you_ helping me… in a different way..."

"I... you… mean...?"

Oh, how I enjoyed shocking girls like this one.

She could act all shocked but I imagined that after enough Jello shots she'd do her fair share of exploration.

"I'm just pulling your leg. Don't worry. I am ALL for the boys."

"So do you want to be partners and have me help you with your looks?"

"Well, I already have a fairy godmother that tries to knock some femininity into me. " I said grinning at the thought of Alice's elfish looks.

"I could get you in all the good parties."

This chick obviously didn't know I was banned from all things Greek. Or the fact that I already had a boy, Heck! I had a man more than interested on hanging out with me.

"It'll be like _s__tatus quo_ you know, like Hannibal Lecter?"

Was she for real?

"Ah... _Quid pro quo_?" I offered.

"Whatever. You could get some of the boys to look at you, you know? You're not totally a lost case. You just need some guidance."

That did it. No more miss nice to her.

"You really think so? Oh, that would be _so_ wonderful!" I said with a very obvious fake enthusiasm. Nonetheless it went unnoticed by my 'good friend'.

"Would you be my partner then?" She asked as I noticed a very familiar figure on my peripheral vision.

"Will you get me a guy?" I asked flatly.

"Of course. I love helping people, it's like… my calling."

"What about… that one?" I said pointing to the object of my desire.

"I don't know..." She said looking closely to the male walking towards the lecture hall. "You could try, but maybe you should start with something less ambitious, like someone in your own league." She said.

"You are right. He is _dreamy_." I said wondering if this is how people perceived us. Did people actually think I was so out of my league? I refused to think that I was Edward's charity case. I may be unconventional but I wasn't going to cry an 'I'm not worthy' litany.

"He surely is." She agreed with me.

"Oh, I think he is looking at you" I teased.

"You think so?" She said obviously flattered and I could see her already fantasizing about him.

"Look! He's waving." I noted.

"He is. "

"And he's coming this way. I so wish I could be like you." I said only half trying to sound truthful. I had realized that she didn't really need me to work too hard to try to convince her.

The guy who we had been looking at, who unbeknownst to Cammie had been sharing my bed for quite some time, finally approached us. And without saying a word he reached for me and planted a long kiss on my lips while locking his arms around my waist. Afterwards he looked into my eyes and said to my 'partner's' disdain:

"Hello gorgeous."

I looked back to Cammie and said:

"Oh Cammie, thank you! Being with you five minutes already made my life a lot less crappy." And I started walking away holding Edward's hand.

"Torturing blondes again? I thought you had given up on that." He said pulling me closer as we walked.

"I know. I fell off the wagon. But she was so kind to offer me to change me from the ugly duckling I am into a not-so-ugly duckling for the very low price of adding her name to my midterm project." I said in my defense.

"You didn't tell her you are already a 'Swan'?" He asked with a big grin.

"Are you touring with that material? Because it is quite lame."

"But you still want me" He said stealing a quick kiss.

"What can I say? I am a bizarre individual after all."

"Are you done for the day then?"

"Yes. Can we go do something fun?"

"Nope. Moving day remember? We got a ton of things to do and a ticked off Emmett waiting."

"Let's ditch him, he can do most of the heavy lifting after all."

"He probably could, but do you want him moving the guitars?" He asked knowing I couldn't let that go.

"You made a good point Cullen. Let's go."

We were moving out of dorms and into an apartment.

All three of us.

Moving into my first apartment had been a long awaited milestone, even if I hadn't accomplished a few things I related to the beginning of adulthood, such as graduating from college, having a job and being self sufficient. But nonetheless it had meant a lot. A little space I could call mine and a very warm body that would lie next to me night after night without any reason to leave, fully acknowledged that the bed we laid in was ours, not mine nor his. A bed bought with the sole purpose of sleeping and love-making on it, a queen bed, bigger than our former doubles.

We had endured dorm life for a year.

And we were done with it.

Carlisle and Esme agreed that even if bothersome, it was character forming and therefore an irreplaceable experience. They had been adamant about it.

They hadn't been so thrilled about us moving in together so soon, but the decision had been an adult one. It was now out of their hands, since Emmett, Edward and I were paying for the roof above our heads with the proverbial fruit of our work.

We moved into a nice little apartment: a cozy three bedroom one bath place near school. Cozy being code for tiny and ugly as hell but full of character in our eyes nonetheless.

Emmett was fully aware that the third bedroom would be a guest room slash whatever we needed it for, and he was fine with it. Rose was attending an all-female school about forty-five minutes away from us and the arrangement worked.

First night had been interesting and odd. It felt odd knowing that for the first time one of us wasn't just visiting.

"What is the problem with you? You are aware we've slept on the same bed since we were ten right?" Edward asked me when he realized I was taking longer than normal to get to bed.

"I know. It's just different."

"Afraid you won't be able to kick me out if you get mad at me?" He said jokingly, but truth to be told, I had kicked him out of my room in the past.

"Maybe. But I can always kick you out. Couch's nice" I said nonchalantly prompting him to get up from the bed and walk until he was standing behind me, as I was in front of my mirror dillydallying.

"I can't believe after nineteen years of knowing me, better than anyone else, and nine of sharing my bed-"

"Lots of times it was my bed." I interrupted him.

"Whatever. As I was saying, I can't believe that after nine years of sharing a bed with me, last two as lovers, you, of all people, are getting cold feet."

"I'm not getting cold feet." I snapped back.

"Then show me. Be happy. I thought this is what we wanted." Looking directly into my reflection on the mirror.

"Of course I wanted this, and I am very happy. I think it just going to take me a little bit to get used to it." I said turning around to look at him.

"Want to christen our new bed then?" He said smiling again and hugging me.

"You have a one-track mind." I replied.

"Listen. I get what you are saying. Not an idiot here. I just want to be excited, look forward." He said regaining a serious look.

"I guess it just feels like I just jumped right into adulthood and I didn't get my feet wet first." I said.

"I think we jumped head first into adulthood way before this kid." He said making a lot of sense. But still I felt wary.

"Don't you get scared about life sometimes? You are always the merry one. I swear if I didn't love you I'd so hate you."

"I do. I just don't dwell on things I can't do anything about."

"I swear sometimes I feel I got into this world without a user's manual while everyone else did."

"That is because you are a brand new soul." Edward said placing butterfly kisses on my neck.

"God please tell me I haven't been sleeping with someone who's into New Age and horoscopes."

"Are YOU touring with that material?" He said looking into my eyes.

"Hey guys, you better be dressed." Emmett said as he opened our door and we turned to face him.

"You are going to have to learn to knock if this arrangement is to work bro." Said Edward.

"Maybe we should set up a code or something, like if there is a sock around the doorknob…" I said sarcastically.

"Don't worry Bella, I don't look forward to you flashing me. Though I don't know what would be worse: running into you naked or suffering 24/7 your cynicism and sarcasm." Emmett said to me as he jumped to our empty bed. "This is nice, you haven't done the nasty here yet, right? That would be gross." He said trying to bother us.

"I have been trying…" Edward hit it back at him.

"You have lived under the same roof with me Emmett, what's the difference?" I said getting back to his preoccupations.

"What about the fact that mom and dad are not here? What about you two shacking up and ganging up on me?" Emmett responded.

"Don't worry Em. We won't do anything bad to you… That we haven't done before." I said.

"I think it will be better to put our minds together for a common good instead of fighting each other, like preventing mom from visiting every month." Edward added.

"That reminds me, she did mention that she got duvets, towels and what not for the apartment already, and that she will be coming next weekend with her paint swatches." I said remembering my earlier call with Esme.

"So Em, when is Rose coming to visit? Or how long are we going to be suffering from your sexual frustration?" I said kicking Emmett while he was already bothered by the news of Esme coming on the first weekend in our new place instead of having Rose over.

"Edward can you please keep your woman in line?" He said annoyed.

"Do you think I can?" He said making me laugh, though I wasn't ready for what Emmett replied.

"More than she would like to accept."

Was he right? Had I been tamed? Broke down? For a moment I wondered if we had all become cartoons of ourselves, completely figured out by everyone else.

Was that what adulthood was? Being a sad reminder of what we were before?

Did we really spend our teenage years desperately wanting to figure out who we were? Making a statement of who we were definitely not (if the former endeavor proved too complicated)? Trying to be what we were not, proving that we could be cool and collected and comfortable in our skin?

All just for adulthood to be a pilgrimage back to find who we were in the first place?

Was it there where we were heading?

Was adulthood just desperately holding on to our former selves, trying to say: 'See? It is still me: I'm not my job, my husband/wife, my kids, my politics, my beliefs, the toothpaste brand I buy over and over at the supermarket'?

No.

That was just me. Not yet completely over my teenage years and I was already resenting my inaugural walk into adulthood.

But I may had been in the last year of my adolescence and yet my luck, or rather my stupidity, had already propelled me into adulthood years before.

Edward was right: I had cold feet. It just wasn't about our relationship.

It was about me, about my life. But the concept of me was so wrapped around the concept of him.

Had we lost track of where he started and where I ended?

Symbiosis never seemed so abject as just then.

That had been the gloom that was creeping into me. I had always tried so hard to be confident and to be brave… And now I just felt like I didn't have the drive anymore.

Moving out of my childhood, of my irresponsible and carefree teenage years, out of a college dorm and into my adult life.

I couldn't pretend I wasn't a kid anymore.

It wasn't just moving out but moving in, together, into the unknown.

It had been a milestone indeed.

And now it was just another memory in a box.

The proverbial break-up box that holds the holy relics of a dead relationship: knickknacks that don't hold any meaning to anyone but the two people involved.

Sad remnants of a now impossible future that no matter how bad the ending, are so difficult to throw away. Nearly impossible.

But our end hadn't been bad at all, incredibly sad, but not terrible. It had lacked animosity.

Our end had been very calm: we flat lined without actually realizing what was going on.


	2. Chapter 2

The end hadn't been anything out of the ordinary.

But then again, how original can the end of a relationship be?

One day someone wakes up and wants out… Badly…

But it hadn't been like that. We couldn't even break up like normal people with a 'It's not you it's me… We'll always be friends" kind of crap.

Oh no.

We had just grown apart.

I always hated that phrase. What does it really mean? Were we supposed to be a tree? Weeds?

Despite my dislike of the phrase it suited us perfectly.

We had just grown up into ourselves, and our grown-up selves were more of the lonelier type.

But it hadn't happened overnight.

We were very happy. In fact we had lived together happily for three years.

Three amazing years.

But on the last one we had plateaued and got caught up with work, studies and life…

How unimaginative.

Then again, the end of relationships can't be that original.

Suddenly we were more friends than lovers.

We had thought that it was just us being busy, just exhausted with everything. We thought we'd bounce back after graduation. But soon we were just sharing a bed and noting more, we could go days without saying anything to each other besides pleasantries.

Near the end, I had applied to an internship in France, since my minor was in French. I was going to Paris for six months after graduation.

We knew we'd be apart and it was an unspoken agreement of the end.

We never talked about getting back together after I came back.

I cannot pinpoint how and when we had died, but there it was.

The end.

I had been back from Paris for a year or so. By my own standards I was an adult, a college graduate with a job, hardly making ends meet but proud enough of not having to bother Carlisle and Esme for money.

Weekdays were full of my work and writing, while weekends consisted of a mix of having fun with friends and getting my share of the culture the big city had to offer me.

Tonight I was at an art exhibition, not an impressive one, but it had been fancy. I was even wearing a dress.

Alice would be so proud.

But of course, I wasn't going to let her know.

I had been circulating in the art gallery listening to the same old arguments about whether true art was to be successful or unknown, and hearing people desperately trying to throw out names and theories just to buy themselves a spot in the elite.

I was critical of it, and yet I was just somebody else trying to earn my spot in the elite.

Weren't we all?

The only difference was which elite we aimed for.

I was jaded all right: years ago because it felt cool and sophisticated, the _ennui_ of the times, and now, just out of my own crap.

I still enjoyed coming to these things though, because sometimes the art was good enough, sometimes the wine was good enough and sometimes the conversation was good enough.

Tonight neither was.

The cheese was stale and the wine undrinkable, but still I walked around looking for somebody interesting enough to follow and try to imagine their life. Even sucky nights like this one could be good character research for my writing.

I was thinking about this when my friend Elyse caught up with me.

"Does this party blows or what?" She said looking at the snobby crowd with disdain.

"Big time. It beats staying home watching _Sex and the City_ reruns though." I noted.

Elyse was a good blow to every stereotype I believed in regarding women. She was blonde and by all means a babe. Incredibly intelligent and witty... And a girlie girl. So girlie, despite the brow and nose piercings, and about five well-placed tats, oh yeah, _Peanuts'_ Woodstuck included.

She loved pink and miniskirts as well as Simone de Beauvoir.

A dichotomy in herself or life's way to torture me.

I loved her because she proved me wrong all the time.

She kept me bullshit free.

Most of the times.

I used to have someone else to fulfill that crappy job long ago.

"I haven't seen any guy worth meeting either."

And I forgot to mention that she still had high hopes for meeting Mr. Right.

"Well, you are the one that still believes you can find some essence in these bluff cesspools."

"We are part of this... environment… you know?" She said to make me aware of my hypocrisy.

"I know... I know I'm as big of a snob as the next person here. And of course I love to self hate, so it only makes sense."

"Aren't we self-deprecating tonight?" She said taking a sip of my white wine… And grimacing right after.

"I'm an equal opportunity employer." I said.

"I love how sunny and shiny you are."

"You are a masochist after all for hanging out with me." I said with a smile, though she had stopped paying attention.

"Oh no, there's that guy again, I've been trying to get away from him all night." She said looking over to a guy that was obviously walking towards us.

"Oh come on! He looks like a Wall Street type, maybe he could bankroll your artistic endeavors. You sure you don't want to know him?"

"You are enjoying this. If you don't pretend we're lovers to shoo him away I'll ask him for a friend for you."

"Come on, this could be the start of something beautiful, who knows, I could be talking about this very night on my speech during your wedding reception."

"Hey there beautiful, you are..." The guy interrupted us trying way too hard and failing miserably.

"Ready to leave. You ready?" She said looking at me and pleading for a way out. I looked at the suit and he didn't look half bad. I was too bored with the prospect of going home to reruns so I decided to have fun instead.

"Come on ELYSE, you don't want to meet this nice young fella?" I said with an evil grin.

"You are in deep shit now dearest BELLA"

"Well I'm JACK, nice to meet you." He said mimicking the exaggerated way we had pronounced our names.

"Nice to meet you too." Said Elyse in defeat.

"So you really enjoy art, or this is the angle you work to bed unsuccessful art majors?" I stated flatly.

"Wow, directly to the jugular."

"What can I say? I was drawn this way." I said batting my eyelashes.

"No, it's not an angle and your friend Elyse here is the only girl I've tried to introduce myself to, unsuccessfully I have to admit, at an art gallery." He said smiling humbly at my friend who was pretending not to pay attention.

"So what does a stock broker do at an art gallery opening?" I asked.

"Stock broker? You really go for the lamest stereotypes with first impressions right?"

"I never said I was fair nor original. So no stockbroker?"

"Not at all, I'm an architect."

"Nice." Was all I said thinking of another architect I knew. One who no longer warmed my sheets.

"I know what you are thinking: the sold out artist isn't it?"

"The snobbiest one of all at least." I said unashamed, more to avoid my train of thinking than anything else.

"I know the artist, Summer Klein, met her in college. So what did you study? Liberal Arts? Music?"

"Oh, don't worry, I'm full of crap as well. I'm an English major. Which is the most popular and the least successful of the art majors. But then again I enjoy starvation."

"Dieting must come easy."

"Oh you have no idea." I said with a chuckle.

"You here alone Jackie boy? Bella would _love_ it if you had a friend around." Said Elyse seeking revenge.

"No, I'm here with a friend. There he is... Ed!"

I cringed at the name.

Fate obviously hated me if I was to get another Edward in my path.

"Hey Ed let me introduce you to these lovely ladies.This is Elyse and this is Bella."

No.

Fate didn't hate me.

It absolutely abhorred me.

I came to this realization when I turned around to be face to face with my past.

"This is my friend Edward." Said Jack with a smile.

The world was small after all.

Tiny.

Minuscule.

"Ah..." It was all I managed to say. I was lucky I was still standing though.

"Nice to meet you" He smiled and didn't say anything to let our friends know we knew each other.

That is as in the biblical sense.

He was pretending it was the first time we met. And with that simple smile I knew exactly what to do. It gave me a warm familiar feeling.

"Hi. So... are you an architect as well?" It was the first intelligible question I could think of.

It was a question I very well knew the answer to, after all I had stayed up studying with him countless nights, and I had learned a good deal about buildings and designs.

That question had more meaning though, it was an acknowledgment at the game he had proposed to play, a game where we'd played different people, a fantasy in where we had never met.

The possibilities were exhilarating.

"Yes, we work at the same architectural firm." He answered with a half smile.

"So what do you lovely girls do for a living?" Jack asked us.

"Well Elyse here is a very talented ballerina from France, who happens to teach ballet to clumsy and spoiled little brats while waiting to make it big with the City's Ballet Company." I said truly proud of her.

"That translates into me going to auditions and trying to make ends meet teaching _pliés_ to little girls."

"And how about you?" Edward asked looking at me.

I didn't think he actually knew the answer to his question, since it had been a while we had e-mailed each other, after that cryptic message he had sent me a few months ago.

"Oh, I don't have such a glamorous life. I work as an assistant at a publishing company, but don't get too excited it is a totally dead end job." I said mocking my job. Truth to be told I was very happy to be in publishing but I was realist. Getting coffee to editors didn't quite translated into a spectacular career.

"Don't listen to her, she will be the next Chuck Palahniuk. She is an amazing writer."

Elyse was exaggerating, so much that it was bothering me.

"Not really, but that is the line I use to pick up guys." I said trying to divert the attention from my writing.

"Has it worked before?" Edward said without talking his eyes from his drink.

"Not that one, I have to admit, but making out with Elyse in front of them usually does the trick." I said taking a cheap shot.

"Girl on girl? Seems a bit of a cliché to me." He added reading my mind.

"What can I say? Not one of my finest work, but it serves a double purpose, just as well it gets us the boys or shoos them away."

"So many that you have to beat them with a stick?" He asked.

"Oh, I just attract all the wrong guys. So how about you? I bet lots of cute debutantes queue for you."

"Is this your way of telling me I'm hot? And horribly boring?""Need reassurance? Ego threatening to collapse?"

"Stop sharpening that tongue with your lips Isabella." He said getting me to stop licking my lips. Something I hadn't noticed I had been doing.

Elyse gave me a suspicious look at the mention of my full name. I tried to ignore her.

"Wow, I feel like I was watching tennis. These two seem to be on a roll, is your friend like this all the time?" Jack asked Elyse, and with that I suddenly remembered that he was even present.

"To be honest I've never seen her like this before, she normally reduces people to tears, especially guys, but your buddy here is the first guy I've seen putting up a fight."

"Oh, I'm sure I'm nothing out of the ordinary." Edward said humbly.

"Is that the angle you like to play?" I asked once again empowered.

"Does everyone have to have an angle?" He asked.

"Everybody does, even if they don't know it."

"You are a true fatalist."

"It saves me heartache."

"I've never heard about anything causing you a heartache." Said Elyse joining the conversation. "Besides that love story of yours that you insist to be so cryptic about. What was his nam-"

"Oh, that was a long time ago. I don't need to bother anyone with that." I said horrified.

"I think I'd enjoy hearing this." Edward said.

"Oh, I rather not."

"So Elyse, how long have you lived here?" Jack asked my friend.

"It's complicated. Dad is French, mom is American, they separated, I was ping ponged around my whole life until I turned 18, I went to college in Paris, I met feisty Bella there when she was doing her internship and I came back with her afterwards."

"So that's why you don't have an accent."

"That was impressive Sherlock." I said annoyed.

"Never know when to hold your tongue right?" Edward asked fully aware of my lack of self-control.

"And it seems like you like to point out the obvious as well." I added.

"Well, well, I think we have to leave now, or our carriage may turn into a pumpkin" Said Elyse

"Can I get your number?" Jack asked her with a sick puppy look on his face. I was sure it wasn't going to work.

"Ah... What a hell, you put up a good fight." She said writing her number on his palm.

Obviously I was wrong.

"Well... Bye, Edward... It was ... interesting knowing you… I mean… meeting you." I said.

"Likewise." He said with a crooked smile.

As we left Elyse wouldn't take her eyes off me.

"Tu le connais." She finally said.

It wasn't a question. She was just acknowledging what was painfully obvious.

"And this is why I like keeping you around. You are a smart cookie." I said with faked confidence.

"Who is he? I've never seen you like that before..."

"C'est mon ex." I said hoping the foreign language would detach me from feeling.

It didn't do the trick.


	3. Chapter 3

The damn phone woke me up with its incessant ringing.

It had taken me a good deal of rings to realize that it wasn't the sirens calling in my dream.

Three rings to open my eyes, rub away the sleep and try to focus.

Two more to pat on my bedside table for the phone, only to discover that the portable was not there.

How come portable phones become more burdensome than fixed units? I always end up running around my minuscule apartment trying to find it. I should just install an avocado green one in the kitchen with a very long chord.

Old school.

In the middle of my _Seinfeld_ inspired phone tirade I realized the phone was still ringing.

Three more rings to be exact to get me off my bum and running around my one bedroom / one bath apartment.

Who called at this hour? What time is it anyways? Wouldn't most educated people give up after… I don't know… Six rings?

By my count it had to be over ten already.

Oh… right. I knew someone perky enough to call incessantly early on a Saturday morning.

I finally found the phone in the bathroom.

"Hey Bells!" Said a way too chirpy voice on my ear.

"Alice! What are you doing calling me at this ungodly hour?" I said as I looked at my reflection on the mirror.

I could totally scare tots if I hid in their closets since I had gone to bed as I was last night, make-up and all.

"Eight o' clock is not ungodly, you know that the early bird gets its worm right?"

"And that is why I don't get up early on Saturdays, I rather be worm free." I replied.

"Come on! Get your ass out of bed. I'm picking you up for breakfast." She said with a hint of desperation.

"Jasper turned you down for morning sex? Why are you so peppy anyways?"

"I'll tell you all about it at breakfast."

She was going to be all mysterious, fine.

I could be annoying.

I came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to give up and so I looked at my bed longingly.

"Do you know that brunch is the morning meal normal people look forward to on weekends?" I was resigned to go, but I wasn't going to gently.

"Since when you consider yourself normal? And anyways, my news can't wait for brunch. Breakfast it is."

"Okay, okay, I'll be ready, but I won't be happy or pretty." I warned her.

"Just be awake and dressed." She commanded.

"Oh, you have to want it all. Don't you?" I snapped back at my bossy friend.

"You have no idea. Go!"

* * *

"So what's the news?" I asked as I took my sunglasses off to look at my scrumptious omelet.

We were sitting at an outdoors café not too far from my apartment.

It had turned out to be a good thing that the wine the previous night had been bad, since therefore I was hangover-free, though I felt heavy-hearted.

"Well... I need to know what you will be doing on August 12th"

Could I really know what I'd be doing in five months?

"Ah, I have a dentist appointment, need to pick up my dry cleaning, my good white dress shirt will probably have a bad ink spot…Shop for groceries, have to remember that I'll need shampoo and I don't know… Pick up the Nobel Prize?" I said randomly.

"Don't be ridiculous, you know that the Nobel Prize is awarded on December." She said without missing a beat and taking a bite of the cantaloupe on her plate.

"Well, the question was quite ridiculous to start with." I defended myself.

"No it wasn't. It was my way of letting you know that you'll be attending my wedding." She said without being able to hide a guilty smile while I took a sip of my orange juice.

"No shit!" I said almost spitting juice on her.

"Bella!" She yelled looking at her pristine white shirt to make sure I hadn't polka-dotted it.

"I mean… I can't believe it! So Jasper proposed?" It was all I managed to ask.

"No, he didn't. I'm going to abduct him... Of course he proposed! Now who's asking stupid questions?" She said feigning annoyance.

"I'm glad to see that some of me has rubbed on you with the years." I said with a smile. "I'm truly so happy for you… For you both… Wait… That is only in like five months. Is this a shotgun wedding?" I said widening my eyes.

"Of course it's not. Not all of us go that route."

"Ouch. Yes, you would think that with my GPA I'd have more common sense about contraception. Anyways, I learned my lesson, I practice _very_ safe sex now."

"Pill and condoms?"

"Nope. I just don't do it." I said with a grin.

"Dry spell?"

"Big one." I said opening my eyes wide. "But anyways, let's leave my forced celibacy aside. Why are you guys getting married so soon?"

"Well, Jasper got a good job offer… Back home… And we just don't want to wait. And it's not like living together works all the t- Oh Bella… I'm sorry."

"Don't worry. It worked for us for as long as it did, and then… Not… How do they say it? 'It was eternal love for as long as it lasted'. I think that if this is what you guys want it will be great. Though I'm going to miss you!"

"But you'll be visiting, won't you?"

"Ah… For you I will, but I haven't been feeling like going back home... Let me see the ring." I asked her and she offered her hand.

It was nice and elegant, not overdone at all.

"It is perfect. You should tell Jasper I'm impressed." I complimented it.

"Anyways, I want you to be a bridesmaid of course." She informed me.

"And you'll make sure to torture me with a hideous girly dress right?" I said already dreading going with her to choose dresses.

"Hey! Wouldn't you do that for me?"

She got me.

"Of course, but if I ever get married I'll make you wear a tux, or something outdated." I was really trying to scare her.

"You know I can always spin ugly and dated into trendy." She said with a smile.

"Whatever… Like I'm getting married." I said digging in my omelet.

"Oh you will..." She predicted widening her smile.

You had to love Alice. She was the ultimate optimist. I guess we canceled each other out.

"And you know because you own a crystal ball. Right?"

"Exactly. So anyways, Rosalie will be a bridesmaid too. I think of the both of you as my maids of honor."

"Great! I'll have to sport the girly dress and stand next to Rose wearing the same. Have you no mercy woman?" I said laughing lightly at the mental image.

"I'm not trying to torture you. I promise I'll make sure you get to show your individuality somehow."

She was silent for a moment and then she continued:

"I won't be torturing you either if... Edward is Jasper's best man right?"

"Ah... Of course not! That was a given. We can be civil… We were last night after all."

"Oh my god! You slept together!" She assumed.

"What?! No! I ran into him. Why did you think I slept with him? And wait… 'Being civil' is your euphemism of sex? Are you even doing it right? Because I always thought of it being quite uncivilized."

I had every intention of lightening the mood since I dread where this conversation was going.

I knew she'd be worried about me, like I was going to break at the mention of his name.

"Well, you two getting together was kind of shocking."

"Whatever… I saw him at an art exhibition." I informed her.

"And how was that?" Alice asked intrigued.

"It was... okay… It was awkward… And funny… And sad… We did this thing pretending we didn't know each other, it felt like before, you know? I didn't have to talk to him to know what he was thinking." I was now looking into the space, remembering the sensations of the night before.

"How long had it been since last time you guys met?"

"Ah... Over a year… No wait... More… God! Must have been like eighteen months or so... I missed last Christmas, Esme was pretty mad at me… The one before I was in Paris and Esme and Carlisle came to visit. Emmett spent it with Rose's family… And Edward… Just stayed here… But we've exchanged a few emails, very sporadic and not getting into too much detail."

"I'll never understand what happened with you guys."

"You and me both… I don't know. We just grew into different people… Or maybe we just needed some breathing space. We had been in each other's lives forever… I know I needed to know who I was without him, and I think he felt the same… Anyways, he never mentioned wanting me back after I came back from France… He was looking forward his life without me, I guess."

"So, what do you guys talk about in the emails?"

"Oh, nothing too serious. We just let the other one know we're still alive, doing well… And then last thing he wrote to me was… weird…"

"What was it?" Alice asked.

"That he was afraid of me." I confessed.

"What?!" I really got her attention with that.

"…Of seeing me again." I said ashamed.

"That's... kind of... shitty."

"Yeah... I don't know..." I remembered that e-mail well.

Barely six words: 'I'm afraid of seeing you again'.

It was painful to read it, and yet I kept opening it up to reread it… Even if I knew it by heart.

"What did you write back?" Alice asked.

"Nothing. I couldn't think of anything witty to respond to that."

It was true, I had sat in front of the blank screen so many times, trying to write something and I just couldn't come up with anything.

What could you really say to that?:

'Gee, thanks?'

'Fuck off'?

The only thing I could do was just doing nothing at all.

"Wow! So you just ignored it?"

"That was the beauty of last night. That it didn't matter. That it was like no time had gone by."

"Well, you'll get another shot at pretending on Friday."

I could sense by her tone that she was now obviously ticked off at Edward, and probably at me too for not being pissed off about the e-mail. It didn't anger me, it just made me feel melancholic.

I made a note to myself to try to appease her and avoid an altercation between them.

"Why on Friday?" I asked.

"We're having an engagement party and you have to come and you can't say no." She informed me making sure I had no way to decline.

"Don't worry. I will go and it will be okay. I haven't seen Rose and Emmett in a couple of weeks so I'm looking forward to that."

Rosalie and Emmett had been living together for a while now, and they were doing well.

I thought that I probably wouldn't be very surprised if Rose took me to 'breakfast' very soon.

"You can bring a date if you want." Alice noted.

"Nah! I wouldn't do that… Seems a bit tacky." I said finishing the last bite of my food.

"Ah... But you could… We wouldn't mind… Actually you would probably like that…" I sensed nervousness in her voice.

"Of course I won't, it's not like I'll be the only person not in a relationship there." I said without fully processing what she had been trying to tell me.

But she remained silent for a long pregnant pause.

"Oh shit!" I said finally putting two and two together. "I _will_ be the only person not in a relationship, right? He's seeing someone…_And_ he's bringing her."

Why was this bothering me? In a conscious level I knew this was bound to happen. But it was the not being prepared for this particular conversation what got me.

"Bella... I'm so sorry" She said looking down. Like she was the one purposely hurting me.

"Alice… I won't shoot the messenger. It's okay. It just caught me off guard." I said reassuringly.

"Oh Bella!"

"Stop suffering for me. It's not like I've been holding a torch for him. I'm a big girl, Uncle Sam takes taxes off my paycheck and everything, I swear."

"Are you sure?" She asked with concern.

"Pretty sure about the taxes, got the pay stubs to prove it." My attempt at showing her that I wasn't going to break didn't work. And given by the look she was giving me, I suspected I looked sadly pathetic.

"You have to make jokes all the time."

"If I didn't, how would anyone know I'm fine? I'm okay Alice. Don't worry. I'll even bring someone so you all don't have to pity the spinster in the corner."

"You are not a spinster." She said reaching for my hand in a supportive gesture.

"You are just scared shitless about me being on my own, while he shows up with some arm candy." I said tired of the whole conversation.

"Well…" She couldn't deny it.

"Calm down woman! I'll even bring someone extra hot to even things out."

"And that in no way would mean that you have an ulterior motive, right?" She said seeing through me.

"I said I was a big girl, but I didn't say I was a saint."

"So you know who are you bringing?" Asked Alice

"Oh I have an idea." I said thinking about my good friend Patrick from work. He'd understand and help out

"Anyone I know?"

"Nope. But he's a hoot. You'll like him. Actually… I think he'll love you. Anyways… Have you met my replacement yet?"

"No… I know her name is Karen. I think Emmett and Rosalie have met her. They have been dating casually for a few weeks now. But that is as far as I know."

"What a conniving big brother I have. Em didn't mention it." I said remembering last time I had dinner with him and Rose at their apartment. He had mentioned Edward doing very well… And then there was a death glare from Rosalie.

It all made sense now.

I could see Alice frowning at me again.

"Can you please stop worrying so much about me? Worry about him! He's bringing the girl to a party where she only knows a couple of people. And among the unknown is his best friend, the girl he grew up with, and his ex. All of those incarnated in the same person: yours truly."

"Now that you put it like that I wouldn't want to be in his place."

"I wouldn't want to be in hers." I said.

"Are you going to behave with her?"

How fast tables turned.

"How do you go from making sure I won't get depressed and start singing 'All by myself' to worrying about this new chick?"

"You are obviously the one I care about. And because I care I'm asking you if you are going to behave. I know that tongue of yours." I could see honest preoccupation in her eyes.

"I'll be good. Believe me, I don't want that kind of attention on me. And I know I speak before I think a lot of the times, so I promise to keep my remarks to a minimum. But you have to promise me that if she turns out to be some bimbo without common sense you'll intervene before my sarcasm beats her to a pulp, okay?"

"You got yourself a deal… Now, what are you going to be wearing…"

"Could you let if go for once?"

"Not a chance." Was all she said flashing me her perfect smile.

_**There you have it. **_

_**I hadn't planned to update so quickly, but these chapters have come along easily. I will probably post the next one soon, just because I'm really enjoying writing it. But don't get used to it. **_

_**Caracol**__****_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Okay… Last one of the weekend. **_

_**Now I hope I can keep my promise and rejoin the land of the living and post the next one not earlier than Monday.**_

_**I really wanted to write this one.**_

_**Hope you enjoy it as well**_

* * *

Alice and Jasper's engagement party was held at a fancy restaurant I hadn't been to, since my livelihood required me to choose between eating there and… I don't know… Eating an entire week.

It was being held at a private room in the second floor, with beautiful wrought iron balconies.

I had, or course, been concentrating on the architectural details of the place because I was desperately trying to distract my mind from freaking out.

Before I could ponder on the vaulted ceiling of the main floor Patrick got me out of my reveries.

"So tell me again dear Izzie, how come you had to drag me to this thing?" He said as we were led to a magnificent red-carpeted stairwell.

"Well, very good friends of mine from high school got engaged and had this thing planned… But since there are only going to be couples there, they didn't want my very single bum bothering them and making them feel bad. So I had to get a date."

"And of course your first option was me." He said giving me lecturing look.

"Who would I ask instead?" I replied.

"What about Neil from work? He really has the hots for you."

"Does he?" I asked trying my best to sound innocent.

"Oh, don't be daft. You bloody know he fancies you. He would have said yes. And then I wouldn't have to be here."

"Does that mean you don't feel tempted by my hot bod?" I said jokingly.

"Love, if it only were my cup of tea it would. God only knows I love that twisty mind of yours… But you know I'd fancy Neil's bod more than yours, if he wasn't so incredibly dull."

"So how come you are telling me I should have considered bringing him, if you find him incredibly dull?" I asked offended at the implication.

"Well… I have all my options open, while you in the other hand had more limited options… for tonight. I had to cancel a date for this you know?"

"You know I love you. And you love me too and you would put your sizzling romantic life on hold just to help me." I said knowing he couldn't say no to me.

"You love me like you love a security blanket. So why are you _really_ bringing me? It's not like you shrivel before adversity. I'd say your sarcastic mouth could have done the trick just as well."

"Well... Alice and Jasper are engaged, and my brother Emmett will be there with his girlfriend Rose... And... My ex... And for what I hear he'll be bringing someone… And I guess other friends of theirs that I may not know."

"Oh I see... So this is the ex you grew up with, that you shacked up for three years?"

"How many exes do you think I grew up with?" I said dreading the Appalachian connotations of his remark.

"I just love pushing your buttons, Izz"

"Just follow my lead okay Patrick?" I said as we were now about to enter the function room.

"Bella!" Yelled Rosalie as she approached us.

"Hey Rose!" I said hugging her.

"Bells!" Emmett embraced me as soon as Rosalie let go.

"Em! I've missed you. Though I have a bone to pick with you later."

"You know mom is mad at you because you haven't gone home in a long time?" He quickly replied.

"But I have been calling her every week, and they came to visit me a few months back." I defended myself. I knew Esme understood I wasn't ready to go back home. But still, home was home.

"You have been avoiding the house and you know it."

"I haven't been avoiding anyone if that is what you think. I just... I don't want to go back home just yet."

"Well, you are going for the wedding." Said Alice reaching us. "So who's this gorgeous man?" She asked looking at Patrick.

"Ah... This is Patrick. He's my friend."

"Hi I'm Alice and this is Jasper."

"The lovely bride to be. It is a pleasure to meet you, all my good wishes to you love…" He said kissing her on both cheeks, and then turning towards her fiancé. "And Jasper, my man, congratulations on the impending nuptials to this beautiful lady." He said greeting them.

"A true gentleman. Good wishes for the bride and congratulations to the groom. You have impeccable manners." Alice said.

"My mum raised me right." Patrick noted.

"Where are you from Patrick?" Jasper asked.

"The UK, from a place called Preston… Though we call it _Depressedton_, so you can imagine why I left."

"I'm Rose by the way." Said Rose getting the attention to her and my brother.

"Hello to you my dear." He said kissing her in the same manner "Good God what's in the water of your hometown Izzie that so many beautiful flowers spring from it?" He said looking at me.

"I don't know, but it sure missed Bella… I'm Emmett the big brother."

"Well you didn't miss the stupidity water that's for sure." I said elbowing Emmett.

"Hello there lad, I have heard a lot about you." He said shaking his hand.

"Hi. I'm Edward" And his voice made me jerk around to see him, dreading the final encounter with his date. But to my surprise he was alone.

"I have_definitely_ heard about you mate." Said Patrick with a huge grin.

I quickly stomped on his foot before he embarrassed me more.

"Ouch! Izzie!"

"Izzie? I can't believe you go by that now." Said Edward surprised.

"She doesn't. She just puts up with me calling her that because she has no other choice."

"So, where is the leading lady Edward?" I dared to ask.

"Ah. Karen couldn't make it. She had to be at the hospital, couldn't get anyone to cover for her."

"A doctor? Carlisle will be proud." I said half relieved and half annoyed that I couldn't just write her off as stupid.

"She's a med student." He added.

"Still commendable." I said without an ulterior motive, but somehow the tone sounded a little smug.

"Come on Bella… Spare me. " Was all he said.

"Okay guys it's time for a toast" Said Jasper.

I wanted to crawl in a corner and hide.

I had been told I was to be the odd woman out so I had brought Patrick instead.

I brought him and let them… Let him think that he was with me… Because I was afraid and I wanted to look confident and strong.

But he was the one alone…. The one that looked like a lost puppy.

But I knew it was just for tonight. It didn't matter because there was someone else who would wait for him, who would warm his bed at night. And my bed was nothing but cold.

I didn't want him back… At least that is what I had felt so far. But the whole business was so incredibly awkward.

Champagne flutes suddenly appeared as Jasper clinked on the glass to gather our attention.

"I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate with us the fact that the love of my life has agreed to marry me. I'm not much of a poet or a writer. Bells holds that title in our group. But I want us all to raise our glasses and toast my beautiful bride to be: Alice, I love you doll. Cheers!"

"Cheers!" We all echoed.

After the toast, the music had begun and people had started dancing. Patrick was definitely enjoying himself, dancing with Alice and Rose while the guys talked. I took the time to clear my head, and holding my champagne flute went to the balcony to get fresh air.

"So your girl Elyse is going out with Jack this weekend, did you know that?"

I turned around to see that Edward had joined me and now leaned over the railing just I was doing so.

"Oh for Pete's sake… I can't believe that, she had been running away from him all night at the gallery! Anyway, who am I to understand Cupid's twisted ways"

As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted the implication of them. I had uttered them quite innocently and thinking only of my friend's incipient love story.

"I know… Of course you and I provided the diversion that got her guard down." He said clinking his own glass to mine.

"It was fun though wasn't it?" I said with a devilish grin at the memory of that night.

"Yeah I have to admit to it." He said mirroring my body language.

I was enjoying the fond memory as well as the cool breeze when something else popped into my head.

"So... I frighten you?" I abruptly asked incapable, once more, to pretend that those words hadn't been said.

"You got it all wrong." He said shaking his head.

"So explain it to me." I pleaded with distraught, as a bitter taste had started forming on the back of my throat.

"Agh… Why do you have to be so difficult?" He said looking away into the light ridden city.

"There was a time when you didn't think of me as difficult... Actually you may have even thought of me as easy..." I said with malice.

"Come on..." He said turning to face me and forcing me to look back.

"What do you want me to say? There isn't anything I could say to that." I said no longer hiding my pent up anger.

"What I meant was... That I have been afraid of seeing you again, because I was afraid things would be different… I was scared shitless that we had nothing else in common, that we had changed… And at the same time petrified if it turned out we were just the same… You can't tell me you haven't thought about it."

I took a moment to swallow what he had told me and realized I felt the same. Though that didn't change the fact that being in the receiving end of that e-mail was a huge blow to me… And incredibly shitty.

"I guess I did… Or I do too… Anyways. I don't want to fight. I promised Alice we would be civil." I said melancholically.

"Is this what we have come down to? Being civil?" I could taste his disbelief and anger. "We can do way better than just being civil. Tell me my best friend is still there somewhere _Izzie._" That last part was definitely anger.

"Lose the attitude Cullen!" I snapped back.

"There's the spirit." He said smiling widely making me laugh at the ludicrousness of the situation.

"See? It isn't that difficult."

"I know." I said. "So… Are you going to introduce me to your lady?"

"Do I have a choice?" He said looking at me with intensity.

"You don't if you intent to have her around on holidays" I replied.

"You are coming around on holidays again?" He asked me.

"It was one and it wasn't about you… Anyways… You missed the one in Paris."

"I'm not the one avoiding the family home."

"That is just some personal stuff." I said brushing the issue off.

"There was a time you told me everything." He said with dissapointment.

"I could say the same thing."

"Let's just drop that, I thought we were making some progress."

"We are." I reassured him.

"If… This thing with Karen gets serious… I promise to introduce her to you. It is just difficult."

"To introduce to family, best friend and ex at the same time? I get it." I said jokingly.

"You just did right?" He asked seriously.

"Ah... Patrick... it's not like that..." I said regretting bringing him but not being ready to settle any misunderstanding yet.

"Not that serious yet?"

"You could say that." I said as I looked back to see him dancing with Alice and Rose"

"So he doesn't know anything about me?"

"He knows we were together. He knows I brought him for that. Alice said you were bringing someone, and forced me to bring a date, apparently the sight of me by my own would have bothered all of you way too much. And I don't know… Compelled the room to hysterical crying or something." I exaggerated.

"Since when you let Alice manipulate you into doing something you don't like? At least without putting up a good fight?"

"I guess I've changed. I've mellowed."

"I think we all have." He said.

"Did you think it was going to be us who didn't make it?" I said looking back at the couples now dancing.

"As a couple, I guess I hoped we made it, with all my heart… As friends, I never doubted it. And that's why it hurts." He said candidly.

"Can we please go back to that? Can we be friends? I can't live like this. Can I be your friend again?" I said now pleading, overrun by my emotions.

That violent regret one feels over spilt milk.

"Oh Bella… You never stopped being my friend." He said reaching over and taking me into his arms. The beat of his heart against my chest was welcomed by mine, slowly finding their perfect harmony.

We held each other for a few minutes until I felt it was friendly appropriate.

"We needed the time off" He finally said.

"Huh?"

"I know why you left… I needed it too. Just to know… To grow… I don't know. "

"To figure out who we were without having the other one's name attached to the definition?" I volunteered.

"Exactly" He said as Emmett's large arms wrapped around our necks propping himself right in between us.

"Oh, please tell me you haven't kissed and made up." Said our brother.

"Rest assured dear brother that we have made up but not made out." I said knowing what he meant with his very inappropriate comment.

"So is everything right with the world again?" He asked us.

"I'd say everything is _wrong_ with the world again." Edward replied in allusion to our devilish friendship.

"It sure was one long cold lonely winter." Emmett noted.

"You quote George Harrison now?" I said surprised.

"Yes, aren't you proud of me?" He said with a grin.

"I'm proud of myself. I raised you right." I replied.

"I'm calling mom, she's going to be so happy." And with that Emmett went back inside pulling his phone from his pocket.

"Okay that is a little too much for one night." I said not ready to share our conversation with Esme or with anyone else for that matter.

"Want to go and make other suffer for a change?" Edward asked me.

"I've been missing that devious mind of yours." I said excited.

"By the way, two times I've seen you and two times you've worn a dress, what's up with that?"

"I'll kill you if you tell Alice anything, but I actually enjoy the girlie thing from time to time."

I regretted my words as I said them, I knew what he could say since I had definitely done the girlie thing for him… God! for this man I had even worn pink. I had been anyone he had wanted me to be. The proof was tucked away useless at the back of my underwear drawer. But of course, he hadn't asked me to be anyone but myself.

Unedited…

…Unadorned…

…Unashamed.

"I won't tell her." He said flatly.

But he didn't go there. He would have before, but I could sense that we no longer felt we could take the same liberties.

There were boundaries now and we were just learning to work around them.

It was just as trying to dance on a minefield.


	5. Chapter 5

_**I couldn't keep my promise, but that happens when I get all of your reviews and get all excited again.**_

_**This chapter is unusually long, so there you go, a treat!**_

_**I don't want to give the story away, but to those who have asked where this is going, all that I can say is read between the lines.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**PS. It is late so my proofreading is probably not that good. I'll try to recheck it tomorrow, but I just want to put this up and go to bed.**_

* * *

Some of the joys of my dazzling job in Publishing included bringing coffee to editors and doing mindless office tasks like photocopying, database keeping, putting together materials and calling subcontractors. Not exactly what I had gone to college for, but it paid the bills and gave me the immense satisfaction of doing something that was related to writing. It gave me the chance of knowing the industry from the very belly of the beast.

But the one thing I truly enjoyed of my job was putting together material packages in the photocopying room, it is large and no one ever comes, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

That was what I was doing when my cell phone rang.

"Hello little Izz, where are you hiding now girl?" A delicious British accent asked.

"Patrick… I'm doing my job, you know? What you should be doing."

"Up in the bell tower again Quasimodo?"

"Very funny. What do you need, coffee?" I asked propping the phone between my ear and shoulder so I could go back at my photocopying, knowing it wasn't going to be a short call.

"I don't need you to bring me coffee love."

"You could ask me for it, all the other editors do. It was my college dream after all."

"Where did you go again? Starbucks College?"

"So, what can I do you for?" I said cutting to the chase.

"Well, I have a little project here… And I thought you'd like to be involved in it… It's very small, so don't get your hopes up, but you can manage it and do the final editing."

"Are you kidding Patrick?"

"No Izzie, I think it's time you start getting your feet wet. But remember, it's eensy weensy."

"I don't mind! Do you really think I'm good enough?"

"You are intelligent and articulate… You spell things wrong, but that is not your fault, it's your country… I think you are ready my dear. So stop hiding in that copy room of yours. If it goes well, and I'm sure it will, I'll request you to be an editorial assistant with my group."

"I don't know what to say." I admitted.

"Oh, that's a first."

"How can a I repay you?"

"Well, no sexual favors Izz, you know those pesky sexual harassment laws."

"When I'm your editorial assistant I'll bring you coffee, pick up your dry cleaning, anything, you name it." I volunteered.

"I'll tell you what you can do to make old Patrick happy."

Oh boy he was preparing me for something big. I was really going to regret offering to do whatever he asked.

"Wear more make-up and blow-dry my hair everyday?"

"That will obviously be a staple requirement in your new contract of course, but no, I didn't mean that."

"So what would that be?" I dared to ask.

"Go out on a date with Neil."

"Are you kidding? Are you pimping me now?"

"Not at all. But what is wrong with you Izzie? He's young, dashing and lives to laugh at your jokes, which I find preposterous. Anyways… He's brilliant for you."

"And also incredibly dull. Your words, not mine." I reminded him.

"Well, he's into sports… Not exactly my thing. And not even good ones like cricket or football, and by that I mean the one where you actually kick the ball the entire time… But listen, I'm not asking you to marry him or to start a book club with the lad. I just want you to go out with him to a film or dinner, whatever you crazy kids do nowadays." Patrick ranted.

"And how do you know he wants to go out with me?"

"Because I have eyes and I can see… And I'm not an idiot!"

"You could have fooled me… What good would that do to me Patrick?"

"You are playing too safe… You haven't gone out in ages… And I saw you last Friday talking to your ex, which by the way you have to tell me all about."

And I had thought I was off the hook.

"You have to remember what it is to have someone excited to be with you." He finalized.

"I'll give it a thought okay?" I said reluctantly.

"I'll tell you what, if he asks you, say yes. You don't even have to ask him out."

"I guess that doesn't sound too bad." I knew it was useless to fight him on that, even if I wasn't thrilled with the idea, I knew I was getting too cozy on my own.

I was immersed of this realization when I noticed that Patrick was still talking.

"…And anyways love, I really think you need a shag. Too much pent-up energy."

"Goodbye Patrick." I said hanging up.

It didn't take more than a minute for my cell phone to ring again.

"What is it Patrick?" I asked identifying the number.

"Izz, I know what I'm talking about."

"This is not funny. I don't have pent-up energy."

"I know sexual frustration when I see it. Anyways, when you are ready to talk about the ex give us a call."

"Fine." I said flipping my phone shut again.

A third ring just flatly annoyed me and I picked up without looking at the number anymore knowing very well knew it was Patrick once more trying to persuade me.

"For the last time Patrick, I'm not sexually frustrated! I'm very self-sufficient and I have the materials at home to take care of all my pent-up energy!" I yelled into the device.

"Ah… I'm glad your needs are being met Swan. But I'm not Patrick." Edward's disturbed voice caused me to blush beet red and bang my head repeatedly onto the Xerox machine.

"Stop banging your head woman… It wasn't that bad… Think about the positive side, it could have been Dad… Or… Nah, I have nothing else." I could picture him grinning as he spoke.

"Sorry about that… I… It was… You know what? You really don't want to know… So… How are you?"

"I'm doing fine."

"What do I owe the pleasure of your call?" I asked intrigued.

"Ah…" He took a long pause. "Sorry… I was just trying to picture your home materials."

"Okay, you had a minute to enjoy the mental image, now get back. You were saying…"

"Ah yes… There is a guitar and other string instruments exhibit at the City's Museum from all over the world and I thought about you. I thought maybe you'd like to come with me, and catch up?"

The idea made me smile. Maybe we could achieve normalcy in a near future.

"That sounds lovely actually. I read about it on the paper. I'm really looking forward to that."

"Okay… Then it's a date… Oh shit… no I didn't mean…"

I was the one laughing now, and I desired with all my heart that he'd be blushing.

"Don't worry… I know… Force of habit… It is actually nice for you to put your foot in your mouth for a change. Gives me a breather."

"Okay then… Do you want me to pick you up?" He offered, but I didn't think that was appropriate.

We were learning as we went.

"I'll meet you at the Museum… buddy." I offered instead.

"Six thirty works for you?"

"Perfect. See you then Cullen."

"Looking forward to it Swan."

As I hang up I noticed that I had probably five bundles of photocopies more than I actually needed… Time to go make more coffee.

I exited the copier room very happy, probably ecstatic. And I was wondering if it was the project with Patrick or the outing with Edward what had done it when I almost bumped into a familiar face.

A familiar face I wasn't really looking forward to see.

"Bella, hi! I'm sorry I wasn't looking."

"Neil… Good to see you."

Fate loved toying with me, but this didn't look like its handiwork.

"Patrick said you were looking for me."

"Ah… I think he misheard me. I… I'm sorry… I need to go drop these off."

I was attempting an act of escapism.

And I reminded myself to settle a score with a certain evil Brit.

"Bella… Before you go… I wanted to ask you if you'd consider going out with me one of these nights."

Shit. I had promised to say yes. And despite my messy life and Patrick's diabolical plans this guy didn't do anything to deserve my rudeness.

"Ah… Sure Neil."

"Are you busy tonight?" He asked.

"As a matter of fact I am. I promised a… friend… I'd go with him to a Museum." I informed him.

"No worries, when are you free?"

"Okay… How about Thursday night?" I said with resignation.

"Perfect." He said breaking such an honest smile that I felt like kicking myself.

Maybe I'd enjoy it.

I never let myself consider Neil, and as far as I knew he was a good guy.

Dull? I really didn't know.

Was he just dull because he hadn't been my best friend and accomplice?

I had gone out with a couple of guys since Edward though, nothing recent, nothing too serious.

And Edward was certainly seeing someone…

I had to really try.

"I'll see you then."

"I'll call you to let you know the plans." He told me.

"Thank you. I really have to go right now, but I look forward to your call."

Time to stop playing it safe.

Even if I didn't like the idea.

* * *

"That was so amazing!" I said when Edward and I reached the exit of the Museum. 

"I thought you'd enjoy it." He said smiling satisfied of his choice of activity.

We started walking aimlessly, not having discussed what we'd be doing next.

"I think the coolest was by far the sitar." I stated.

"I remember you always wanted to learn how to play it. Did you get to do it?" He asked me.

"I went to France not India. And besides I think it's supposed to be a generation to generation kind of thing. Or you have to apprentice with India's equivalent to Mr. Miyagi or something like that?"

He laughed loudly.

"What?"

"I was imagining you doing the whole 'Wax on, wax off'… Bella-san."

"I always considered myself more of a 'grasshopper'." I replied noticing we were now walking closer, and from time to time our sides would touch.

"That was really fun. And somehow we managed not to be thrown out. When that security guy came I could hardly keep my face straight!" Edward commented.

"It was priceless."

"You ran away you big traitor! And it was your witch's cackle that got us in trouble!"

"Hey! I remember you telling me you loved my laughter." I admonished him pointing my finger at him with feigned hurt.

"I also _love_ horror movies but that doesn't make them pretty."

"Yeah? Well, now that we are being honest… It is incredibly annoying how much you clear your throat!"

"You snore." He said deadpanned.

"You too!" I replied opening my eyes wide.

"It always irked me that you are incapable of putting the cap back on the toothpaste. Our sink was disgusting." He said back.

"You have the ugliest toenails I have ever seen." I said remembering how the curled up at the end.

"You have a knack for putting your foot in your mouth."

"That one I've known forever, I think you've ran out of flaws of mine. And that is because I'm awesome!"

"You speak like a teenager… And you majored in English!" That one felt under the belt.

"You… You…" I started having trouble finding something else.

"You got nothing."

"…You always make a stupid face when you come!"

"You… love it." He cracked a smile after what he said.

That did it. We were doubling over ourselves with laughter, with one of those fits that very soon has nothing to do with what was said, and it just fuels with the look of the other person, that very likely mirrors our own.

"Stop it! My stomach hurts!" I said gasping.

"I think… I think that lady thinks we've had too much pot." Edward said pointing at an old lady that had just gone by us with a severe look on her face.

"Ah… You remember how mad we used to make Esme laughing like this? Just cracking up at each other's faces?" I asked him.

"I remember you spitting milk all over my face!"

"You made faces at me while I drank."

"I was trying to get the milk to come out of your nose." He confessed.

"She had to put us in different rooms." I said calming myself.

"Hey! You know what just happened? I think we just achieved a new milestone in our relationship."

"What was that?"

"We stopped pretending we don't have a sexual past. And we laughed about it." He said putting his hand on my arm.

"You think there is a Hallmark card about it?" I said with a grin.

"Something like 'It's great we can laugh now at the fact we have done it and it's not awkward…Well maybe a little'?" Edward offered.

"If it exists I'm so getting it for you."

"You could make a buck pitching it to Hallmark."

We started walking again and I felt the cool breeze on me. It felt delicious.

"I love walking at this time, it just feels nice. By the way, are you still driving the Volvo?"

"God… You don't know… The Volvo died when you were in France." He informed me.

"That's awful! I really liked that car. I have _very_ fond memories of it." I said with a sigh.

"That car surely saw a lot of action." He added smiling.

"Especially when Carlisle tightened the security in the house."

"So you got yourself a new Volvo?"

"No, I couldn't afford one. I got a compact."

"Don't tell me you got a Mini Cooper or a Beetle." I said trying to picture him on something like it.

"I thought you liked Beetles."

"I do, but I couldn't see you in one."

"I got a Honda Fit, I know, it doesn't sound very exciting but it's what I could afford."

"I never cared too much about cars as you know, so I won't think any less of you. I actually love living in a city that doesn't require a car. I enjoy walking a city. It is a great way of getting to know it… I loved walking in Paris." I said prompting good memories of my time abroad.

"So how was that?"

"It was awesome, really… The first couple of weeks I tried so hard to avoid looking like a tourist… I was extremely snobbish about it. But then I gave up and did the whole thing: Eiffel tower, Notre Dame, Louvre, you name it."

"As long as you didn't do Euro Disney." He said.

"Actually… I did it on my last month. Elyse and I went and pretended to be very annoyed about 'les americains'."

"Nice. So what was your favorite part?"

"I loved the Latin Quarter… And Montmartre… Oh! I just remembered one thing. I actually did something special for you in Paris."

"What was that?" He asked intrigued.

"I wrote your name and mine on Jim Morrison's tombstone." I said quite proud of myself, fully aware of it being quite symbolic for him.

"That is really cool! That is probably the coolest thing anyone has done for me."

"Come on… It was something stupid… I'm sure that three days after it was covered by more graffiti and names."

"But I mentioned it once, when we were like fifteen. That was very thoughtful. _And_ we weren't together anymore… That is really nice. Thank you." He said with the clearest most honest smile.

"I just couldn't be there and not do it." I admitted.

"I appreciate it… Hey, talking about Elyse, seems like she and Jack are getting along."

"Ah… yeah… I heard about their date." I said remembering our last conversation.

"So what did you hear?"

"No way I'm telling you before you tell me what he said!"

"Oh come on!" He said frustrated.

"Was this whole outing a plot for you to gather info for your buddy?" I said joking.

"What are we, in middle school?"

"Don't get upset, I know you wouldn't stoop that low… Anyways, I heard it went well, actually very frigging good."

"He is really excited… I think he really cares for her, and that's all you are getting from me."

"Wow, are we really getting those two together?"

"Odd isn't it? Anyways, I mentioned them, because Jack asked if we wanted to come along on Thursday, they're going dancing or something."

"Shouldn't you be asking Karen that?" I asked being forward.

"No. He asked about you… I told him about us."

"You … told him?" This couldn't be good.

"Relax I didn't go into detail, just that we had a relationship and that you are my best friend."

"I think I once heard a song about this situation, something like 'your friend, my friend, you and me'… I don't know… something weird."

"So you up for Thursday night?" He said ignoring my rant.

"Ah… Sorry… I have… plans…"

Damn it Patrick.

"Hot date?" He asked jokingly.

"I wouldn't say hot. But yes, a date."

"Patrick?"

I had completely forgotten I hadn't corrected his assumption.

"No… Wait… Patrick and I are not dating we're just friends."

"You two looked close."

Perceptive he was not.

"You really have not much of a gaydar Cullen."

"Wait… What? I thought he was just European." I could see him trying to remember the night they met.

"He is… A gay one."

"You misled me Swan." He said pointing a finger at me.

"I just had other things in my mind." I said truthfully.

"Now it makes more sense how you greeted me on the phone."

"Whatever."

"So who's the lucky guy?"

"Ah. His name is Neil, and we work together."

Contrary to what I expected he didn't say anything… For a long time.

"Patrick has been pushing me to go out on dates, I haven't done that much lately."

Why was I explaining?

"Am I a tough act to follow?" He said with a grin.

"Not funny dude. So what? You're not happy about me going out on a date? I thought you would. Make sure I'm not a deranged ex and all."

"Bella… At the risk of sounding hypocritical and all… I can only say this: you were my girlfriend, fuck! That word doesn't really begin to describe what you were for me… _And_ you are my best friend…"

He made a pause to gather his thoughts and continued:

"I'm sorry to admit this, but I'm never going to be excited about you seeing other guys… And I'm really sorry, because I know I'm the one seeing someone else… And for my male ego, I really hope that you are not completely unaffected by it… There I've said it, I'm a prick… But I'm being honest."

That curveball I wasn't expecting.

"You are not a prick…" I finally said. "I'll tell you something Edward: It is not easy thinking about you with someone else. To be honest, a part of me, a big part, hopes that she is shitty… And stupid… And not better than me in any way. But another part, the part that really cares about you, well that part wants you to be with someone amazing." I confessed.

"You are a _very_ _very_ tough act to follow Swan." He said reaching for my hand and placing it over the left side of his chest. " There's a part of my heart, your space, that will never be for anyone else. Boarded up, out of commission, not to be used again… I retired your number kid."

Though sad it made me smile.

"So…" He spoke again lightening the mood. "How come I missed Patrick being gay?"

"Well, in your defense he is not very flamboyant… He is very masculine, actually probably the most masculine guy I know." I said without thinking what I was saying, eager to distract me from the connotation of Edward's words.

"Okay you just killed my male ego… May I remind you that we had sex…? A lot…? Losing to the gay guy in masculinity… Quite emasculating."

"Oh shit! Sorry Ed! You are _very_ masculine, I didn't mean that… I meant something else… Boy, how do I fix this? How can I stroke your ego? You were the best lover! You frigging rocked my world! Ah… I came every time…!"

"Leave it… It's unfixable." He was trying to look hurt, but he was smiling.

"You are still my hero."

"Really? I always saw myself more like your sidekick." He replied.

"We were quite a pair, weren't we?"

"We still are."

"You know what? I saw this awesome movie when I was in France that reminded me of us. Of how we pushed each other to the extremes, though it was a little creepy."

"_Jeux d'enfants_?" He asked impressing by guessing right.

"You've seen it?"

"I own it."

"Get out!"

"It's in my apartment, want to go see it?" He asked.

"I'd love to."

We now had a destination.


	6. Chapter 6

_**It is nice to know I have gone from the "babykiller" to the "heartbreaker". **_

_**I promise though there will be some satisfaction soon, and also this story will earn its "M" rating.**_

_**There is also a shout out or two to Ferrin Landry here. Hope you like it!**_

"Welcome to my humble home." He said opening the door and inviting me in.

"It's nice… Not so humble. Mine is a lot smaller." I said after a first glimpse.

"It's not a competition Swan."

"Are you going to give me the grand tour Cullen?" I asked walking further in while Edward threw his keys over the table. 

"Sure. Well as you can see here is the family room, the table here is the closest to a dinning room and there is the kitchen. Now follow me down… Here is the bathroom… This bedroom to the left is where my drawing desk is… And to the right… _la__pièce de résistance_… My bedroom." 

I stepped inside the bedroom giddy and intrigued. The room of the person I knew the best, inside and out, splayed before me like a forbidden city.

"Nice. Tidy. I'm impressed." I said noticing the order and recognizing a few knickknacks.

"You were always the messy one." He said still standing by the doorframe, but interested on my every move as I explored.

"Whatever. Hey, your bed looks nice." I said as I approached it and jumped on it. 

"It's really soft, almost like…" I was trying to recognize the familiar softness, until it clicked. "You cheating bastard!" I yelled incredulous at him.

"What?" He asked with the look of someone who was caught red-handed.

"This is my bed!" 

"No Swan. It is my bed." He informed me straight-faced.

"Okay, if you are going to play the semantics game: This is _our_ bed."

"It was formerly our bed, yes." He admitted looking down and walking towards the bed. "Come on."

"I don't remember you being awarded custody of it." I said as I put my face down on it to feel the softness and scent on it, the sweet and husky scent of Edward went straight into my brain triggering infinite memories. "Oh baby I missed you so much." I said against the mattress.

"I missed you too Swan." I could hear his smiling delighted even if I had my eyes closed, too pleased with himself.

"I am not talking to you… I was talking to _my_ bed… And I never called you baby."

"I can think of a couple of times."

"I think you are mistaking me with somebody else." I pulled at one of the corners of the covers "And you took our sheets?" I patted the pillows looking for more familiarity. "This is my pillow!"

"You are exaggerating now. It is definitely not your pillow. I bought those."

"I think it even smells like me still." I said putting the pillow under my head.

"You took your pillow to France, remember? Emmett made fun of you being a huge baby carrying your pillow to the plane." 

"Whatever. So what else did you take from me? My underwear?" 

"You are being ridiculous now." He said sitting on the bed facing me, still lying down with my legs slightly bent.

"Get off my bed Bella… I'm warning you."

"You cannot force me. We're not ten anymore."

"Actually I can make you do things better now than when we were ten. You could have taken me then, not now."

"Are you proud of yourself threatening violence on a girl?"

"Who said I'd be applying violence?" He said leaning on his hands getting closer to me.

"Have you been desecrating my poor bed doing unspeakable acts on it with random girls?" I asked pushing myself slightly up supporting myself with my elbows.

"I've only done unspeakable acts on my own on it, happy?"

I knew this game: it was about mental dominance: an askew game of chicken.

"Seriously? You haven't brought anyone home? Lost your _mojo_? Or you only have sex if the girl offers herself to you, no strings attached, just for the sake of experimentation?" I asked lifting an eyebrow.

"Who ever told you sex only happens on a bed?"

He was inching towards me.

"Adventurous aren't we? Aren't you happy about all the experience I made you achieve?"

"As a matter of fact I am very proud of all our experience. I can see you remember it fondly. Have you been moaning my name at night?"

"Is that your fantasy Cullen?"

I wasn't done speaking when he was on top of me pinning me down. It made me swallow hard but I wasn't giving in easily.

"Am I supposed to be afraid or excited?" I said holding my gaze and pushing my body up so he was able to feel me. 

I took his surprise to my advantage and curled my left leg around him and managed to turn us, so I would be resting on top of him.

I gave him a satisfied look, which prompted his face to soften and give me his crooked smile.

"What makes you think this move of yours is not to my own advantage?"

The bastard was quick and witty. 

His words caught me off guard and he took the opportunity to regain dominance, flopping us back to the original position, but now he made sure his hands had a good hold of mine and he let his weight rest on me, instead of hovering over.

I acted like a girl.

I was no longer cool and collected, instead of trying to win by wit I dared try to control him by force.

I trashed and pushed and moved every single muscle in my body. I was able to keep him busy but I wasn't strong enough to take control of the situation. 

Exhausted I finally gave up and looked up into his eyes. 

I panicked.

I shimmied my knee in until it rested on his chest and I pushed until my foot was on it and I could force him gently off me.

"Okay… I don't think we're ready enough to wrestle on a bed." I admitted.

Strangely enough, those words seemed to have more effect on him, since he quickly got up and avoided my gaze.

"Yeah… Definitely not without being unaffected… Okay, get up Swan, let's go see about that movie." He said turning around to grab my hand and swiftly get me up to my feet.

We walked back to the family room and I could see him looking through his stack of DVDs. I suddenly became very self-conscious and uncomfortable, not knowing what to do or say. 

I walked to his bookcase and started browsing through the titles. I could see many architectural and art books, and some I had either bought for him or recommended. Suddenly my eyes stopped over a loved and worn book. My fingers quickly went to it and started pulling it out while I heard the familiar sounds of the start of a movie.

"Come on Swan, movie is about to start. Would you just sit down? I thought you wanted to watch this." He yelled as he sat on the couch.

"I know French remember? And I've seen it before so I can snoop around your apartment while we watch it. I want to make sure you didn't keep anything else of mine."

"Can you give it a rest already? There is a statute of limitations on retrieving stuff from an ex, you know?"

"You're not just an ex so it is a special circumstance." I replied as I pulled the book out and started browsing trough it recognizing it.

"I think I'm going to need to go to your place and do some snooping of my own." He said in return.

"This book is mine, what are you doing with it?" I yelled back.

"God woman… You nagged me about reading it forever, so I did, and I liked it. I kept it because I wanted to keep it. Just take it all right?" He said without even looking at me.

"I thought I lost it." I said as I looked through the worn pages and came to an abrupt stop on a bookmarked page: what held it open was a photograph, black and white and a little fuzzy. It took me a few seconds to process the image in my mind.

"Seriously dude, a naked chick as bookmark?" 

I stared at the photograph: the true vampire that had frozen an instant for eternity.

"Wait… Oh my God! This is me! Why do you have a naked picture of me?" My words made him get up and approached me.

"Let me see it." He commanded.

"Do you need to? How many pictures of naked women do you use as bookmarks?" I asked annoyed.

He took the photograph off my hands and looked at it. 

His smile suddenly breaking.

"I had forgotten about this." He said too pleased and smug from my perspective.

"That's all you can say? Why do you have a photo of me sleeping naked?"

"You can't tell is you. You can barely see the face on the side."

"Of course it's me do you think I can't recognize my own body?"

"I know it's you, but it's not such a big deal." I quickly realized he was taking a long time looking at the image.

"Stop! Don't look at it." I said swiping it from his hands.

"I have very good memory. I don't need the picture to remember, you know?" He said.

"Stop it! You lost your rights to think of me like that. When did you take it?" I asked intrigued.

"I don't know… One day you were sleeping and you looked… beautiful so I took it." Was all that he said.

"And you had it developed?" I asked horrified wondering how many people had seen it.

"No, I printed it. Just get over it, no one else has seen it. So from my knowledge, it's still me, and whoever you have shown yourself to, who have seen you nude." He said walking back to the couch.

"Well I'm taking it." I said trying to put it in my back pocket. 

Edward did a quick 180 and took the picture from my hands.

"Oh no you're not. In fact you are not taking anything from this apartment. I changed my mind about the book."

"What?" I could not believe what I was hearing.

"It's my photo."

"But it's me." I pleaded.

"I took it. It is mine."

"You can't keep pictures of me around. Specially not ones where I'm naked." I said.

"You kept stuff of mine." He said placing the photo in his shirt pocket.

"Like what?"

"My pajama bottoms."

"Really? Are you going to compare the two things?" I asked incredulous.

"I bet that if I go to your apartment I'd find a ton of my stuff."

"But you can't keep this here, what about your girlfriend?"  


"In the event of someone moving in, or something getting serious, you can come and get rid of any stuff of yours. That is your best friend God given right. But this stays here." He said patting his pocket. "Unless you want to wrestle me for it." He said daringly.

I may not have liked the situation, but I was not going to wrestle him again. It would have been too risky, and not for the most obvious reason.

"So your girlfriend… It's not that serious?" I asked instead.

"Not enough for her to be spending much time here." He answered.

"Okay then, but you better not be showing this to anyone, or doing any funny stuff with it." I said in defeat.

"Oh no… I got good memories for that. Are you aware I have photographic memory?" He was definitely toying with me.

"You are an ass."

"What can I say?" 

As I started walking back to the couch I noticed something on the wall.

"Hey. What's this?" I asked looking at a framed drawing of a house, with beautiful lines and trees surrounding it.

"Ah… I designed that. That, my good friend… is the house in the suburbs where I plan to be sexually frustrated at." He said referencing something I prophesized long ago.

"I thought you'd stay out of the 'burbs like the plague." I said admiring the traces: I could see his soul on it. 

Every trace showed intention.

"That is what you would do. But, even if it's mainstream hell, I want a beautiful house where my family can live, with a nice back yard… I want the kids and the dog… The whole thing."

"This is news to me." I said turning back and sitting on the couch next to him, pulling my feet up and turning to face him.

"It is definitely not news for you. I've told you. Nice to know you weren't paying attention."

"I paid attention." I defended myself.

"I think that you only pretended to listen just to get your way with me." He said grinning.

"Yeah that is exactly what happened." I replied amused.

"Anyways… Want to know something I've figured out? Something new?" He asked with a sparkle in his eye.

"Always."

"I want to create something beautiful. A house for a family, my own or not, where they can feel comfortable and happy and protected… I want to design buildings and parks… Everything… Things that are beautiful and practical… Places that will outlive me… So I can go feeling like it all made sense. That I left something good behind."

"That is… beautiful." I answered in all honesty. And I realized that this was something else I had been missing: Edward's idealism.

"So anyways… You tell me something you've figured out since we were together. Something new."

"Hmmm Okay… It won't be as deep and meaningful, but I found out that I like cooking. I got tired of take out and instant noodles… And I like doing it, it relaxes me." I confessed.

"So you are going to cook for me? I always liked your sandwiches the best."

"Never… What am I? Your maid? Are _you_ going to build me a house?"

"No. I don't build houses. I _design_ them." He said condescendingly.

"Whatever… Are you going to design me a house?" I tried again.

"Sure… It's not like I never thought about you living in a house I designed." He said almost to himself and I desperately tried to ignore the implications. I wasn't strong enough to go down that train of thought. I'd be sleepless for weeks.

"Okay, I'll cook for you… But I'll warn you, it didn't went very well when I did it for Esme and Carlisle, I'm used to cooking for myself, so it still goes a little funky when I increase the ingredients."

"How about your writing? Tell me about it."

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"Well I know that one of your short stories was published. Mom sent me a copy of the magazine." 

His words made me think back to the feeling of accomplishment and unconditional love from my second set of parents.

"I think she bought all of them."

"She probably did. But what else have you been writing? Am I in any of it?" He wanted to know.

"Any writer would be lying if they pretended there's nothing of them and their lives in their writing. But I can assure you that you're not going to find our life stories in a book… Now… you… you have been too important not to be somewhat present in everything I write. I hope that doesn't bother you." I answered.

"Are you kidding? I feel honored… But I must confess that maybe it would be good to get a book where I can read and finally understand what happened at the end."

"Don't say it… I'm not ready yet to talk about that." I said with dread, feeling a heavy weight over my chest.

"It's okay. Now let's watch this stupid movie."

"Actually, I think I should be going home. I got a project I'm starting on tomorrow. Something big for me… Patrick said that if I do well I could come to his group as an editorial assistant. Actually doing something related to my career."

"That is wonderful. I'm very proud of you. Let me get my keys and I'll drive you home." He said getting up and walking to the table to retrieve his keys.

"You don't have to, I'll walk." I said.

"No you're not. It's getting late and I don't want you to take risks."

"Come on Edward! I've been taking care of myself for a long time. Last time I checked I didn't need you to protect me."

"Think whatever you want Swan. I may not be your boyfriend, but there is no way in hell I'm going to let you walk home. I want you back in one piece. Now, what is it going to be? Am I going to have to throw you over my shoulder? Because I will."

"Okay, if it is so important to you… You big Neanderthal. But don't ask me to be happy about it." I said annoyed.

"Wouldn't dream about it." 

We rode in his car in silence, with an eerie sense of déjà vu. 

Once we were outside my building I turned to him and froze, unable to figure out the etiquette for saying goodbye in our situation.

"Ah… Thank you… I guess I'll see you around."

"Don't be a stranger." I could see that he was confused about how to act as well.

I opened the door and put a foot out when I turned back to say:

"I… You… know how I feel."

He smiled a wide and bittersweet smile.

"I do… Likewise Swan."

I got out and went in without looking back terrified of my feelings.


	7. Chapter 7

Getting walked home after a date is a completely stupid idea.

Are we supposed to be in danger of being attacked in that short trip?

Obviously it is the very last chance for a goodnight kiss, or a desperate hope for a nightcap offer, or maybe just the way a stalker will make sure to get our apartment number right and a scoop on the lighting and security situation.

That was what I thought about as I walked with Neil to my door after our date.

I was thinking that you could probably rate the date given the thoughts that plagued one's mind on the trip from the car to the door, or from the front door to the apartment door.

Mine hadn't been bad… But definitely hadn't been good, or I wouldn't be reflecting on the courting rituals of our generation…

I got myself too wrapped up in that last idea, because otherwise I would have been more perceptive to the fact that Neil was about to kiss me outside of my apartment. But no… I did not see it coming and therefore, I was kissed.

It was sweet and short. And he quickly left afterwards.

Still on the same daze I had been the entire night, I opened my door looking forward plopping myself on the couch to watch late night television and numb me to sleep.

"Well how was the date Izzie?" Patrick greeted me. And I made a mental note to recall the emergency key I had given him.

"Ah… What are you doing here?" I said receiving the glass he offered.

"Here you go love, Papa brought some wine."

"We're here to get the scoop on your date." Said Elyse coming out of the kitchen.

I apparently had to get her key back as well.

"What are you doing here? You were supposed to be out dancing."

"Change of plans. But that is another story. Spill!"

"Those keys were for emergencies."

"What better emergency than you lifting that silly self-imposed celibacy? So tell us Izz, is he a good kisser?" Patrick inquired.

"I cannot believe you! What would you have done if I had invited him in?"

"Were you going to invite him in?" Elise asked taking a sip of her own wine.

"That is besides the point!" I answered.

"You weren't." Patrick responded very sure.

"How do you know?"

"It's not like you were _snogging_ him against the door." He replied.

"Were you listening to us?" I asked in disbelief.

"_Frenchie_ here was listening… I was looking through the peephole."

"I can't believe you… Aren't you supposed to be enemies anyways?"

"Not if we can gang up against the American." Said Patrick.

"Great." I said collapsing onto the couch.

"So how was it? Tell me there was more action than what I just witness." Elyse asked sitting on the couch by moving my legs up and pulling them down on her lap.

"To be honest I had more action a couple of days ago and that wasn't even a date." I answered in all honesty.

"Didn't you go out with your ex?" She asked me in return.

"Bingo. Give her prize please."

"You were _snogging_ your ex? Oh spill the dirt Isabella." Commanded my soon-to-be boss.

"I did not _snog_ Edward, thank you very much… Though I think I got close to taking care of that pent up energy you talked about." I informed him closing my eyes.

"Are you guys getting back together love?"

"I thought he was seeing someone… Jack mentioned…" Elyse added.

"Yes he is, and no, we are not getting back together… And Elyse, please don't tell me anything that Jack may have told you, I don't want to know. I'm trying to do things right with him and part of it is only knowing what he wants me to know. We're best friends, he should be the one telling me whatever is going on with his life."

"I detect tribulation in you." Patrick asked concerned.

"I've been confused lately… I'm no really sure where things are going."

"You want him back?"

"I… don't know… Like you said he's seeing someone."

"But it doesn't sound like it's too serious. When are you going to make a move?" Patrick asked.

"I'm not… I can't…"

"And what?… Wait until he's getting married to let him know you want him back?"

"I'm not going to pull an Elaine on him don't worry." I said grimacing at the pathetic image of me pulling the same stunt as in _The Graduate._

"But we are in agreement that you got something going on for him."

"Of course I have something going on, I loved him… I still love him… I lived with him for three years… he's my best friend… I almost had a kid with him… It's way too complicated…" I had now exploded sitting up and walking towards the window.

"What the…?" They both were in awe.

And with that I realized the information I had just disclosed.

"Oh shit… Yeah… I got pregnant… I lost it… It's all I'm going to say…"

"So what in the name of sweet Jesus are you waiting for?" Patrick asked.

"He's with someone else… And I don't know… I'm not sure if it is all unresolved issues. Maybe we never got closure…" This was definitely the first moment I was allowing myself to put my feelings into words. "I get it… I know how wonderful it can be with him, but I also know what it is for it to die… How do I know it's not going to happen again? How do I know it's not just nostalgia of what we had?"

"How do we know you weren't dropped on your head as a baby? You are in denial." Patrick asked putting his hands on my shoulders and forcing me to turn back to face them.

"I don't think he feels the same way." I admitted.

"Well bloody figure it out! Just go to his flat now and shag his brains out! If he wants you back he won't be letting you get back and you'll fall asleep talking about all the _sprogs_ you're going to pop out. End of story." He said.

"Yeah, I'll go and make an ass of myself when his girlfriend comes to the door wearing nothing but his shirt. I won't be putting myself through that. You guys don't know how things happened… And no… Don't ask me to tell you, I refused to talk to him about it and I'm sure not going to talk to _you_ about it." I said fed up.

"So just wallow on it then." Elyse added.

"Yeah, listen to pincushion right here."

"Hey! I'm going to lose the piercings soon… So stop it Patrick." She admonished him.

"But why? They are so charming!" He responded sarcastically.

"Well, I think some of the parents are getting distracted by them. It was bound to happen anyway, if I got into a Ballet Company…"

"Oh, don't tell me Mr. Conventional wants you to change." I said trying to turn the tables.

"No, Jack actually likes them… I think I may be the freakiest chick he's been with… But it works for me…"

"Okay, Izz if you are not going to dish on Edward. Then tell us about the date with Neil." Patrick said noticing my attempt to change the topic.

"It was nice. He was sweet and a gentleman and-" I was cut off.

"Oh I get you… I hate the gentleman type, I much rather be thrown against the wall and ravished…" Patrick interrupted.

"Stop it. That wasn't the problem. He was nice but…"

"He was no Edward." And now Elyse was the one to cut me off.

"If you are going to put together your own story, by all means leave me and _Law and Order_ to resume our torrid affair." I said exhausted.

"Okay." They responded in unison.

"He asked me about my life and my writing, and the restaurant was nice, but I don't think we have much chemistry. It was like pulling teeth for both of us, the conversation never really got going. I really need someone that keeps me on my toes, someone that has an agile mind and pushes me… I don't know…"

"Okay hit Elyse…" Patrick gave a queue to our friend, to what she said:

"Someone like Edward…"

"You guys are impossible." I said now almost smiling out of frustration.

"How was the actual kiss?" Elyse asked.

"Chaste I have to say…" Patrick quickly answered for me since he had a vantage point to witness it.

"First kisses… You either hit it out of the park or not…"

"Baseball Patrick?" I asked quizzically "What confused American guy have you been _snogging_?" I said raising an eyebrow.

"One that definitely does not give chaste kisses." He answered unashamed.

"So how was Jack's first kiss, did he hit it our of the park Elyse?" I asked my friend in return.

"Oui, bien sur!" She replied with a huge smile.

"Speak English woman!" Patrick commanded in frustration.

"So, how was Edward's first kiss?" Asked Elyse, to what I automatically responded:

"Which one?"

"You are aware you have to tell us the whole story now, right?"

"Fine…" I replied. But I tried to summarize as much as possible "Here it is: I don't know which one qualifies as our first kiss, or by all means my first kiss ever. First one we were kids and we were curious; second he used it to distract me from the pain of being deflowered, Yes! We were having sex because I propositioned being friends with benefits, no romance at all, and then… the first time he romantically kissed me, was when he saved me from high school banishment by letting everyone know he was the one that had knocked me up. So there, dysfunctional enough for you?"

"Izzie… You are a deliciously interesting person… I can't imagine why he would prefer anyone else… He couldn't get bored of you." Patrick said delighted.

"Well you see… That's where you are wrong… He has…" I said as I pulled my cell phone out when I felt it vibrate to announce a text massage.

"Great! And now I have to go bridesmaid shopping with Alice on Saturday. I was probably a shitty womanizer on a previous life to deserve the past two weeks. Okay, you got to get out of here. Go! I have work tomorrow and my new boss is an ass." I said looking directly at Patrick.

"Fine. I have to get to work early to break in the new editorial assistant. I will probably manipulate her love life in order to stop her pointless drama." He hit back at me.

"Out you two." I said pushing them towards the door and looking forward collapsing on my bed.

* * *

"I swear to God Alice you are going to owe me big time for this." I said zipping myself up and coming out to show her the dress I was wearing, while my dressing room was covered in discarded gowns.

"Stop it right there. I happen to know from a good source that you enjoy wearing dresses from time to time." She said with a smile.

"I am so going to murder Edward." I said disgusted of the image the mirror was offering me.

"Who said anything about Edward?" Alice asked looking at yet another wedding gown for her to try on.

"Wasn't him the one who told you that?" I asked.

"Not at all! It was your friend Patrick."

"Okay. I am going to murder Patrick."

"So you really enjoy making my life difficult right?" Alice asked me.

"I just like to be primmed on my own terms. And yes, I enjoy being a pain in the butt." I answered.

"Tell me something new." She commanded rhetorically but my mouth blurted out what had been in my mind lately.

"Edward kept a naked photo of me."

"What!" She said in disbelief.

"You asked for something new."

"He told you?"

"No. I found it." I informed her.

"And?"

"Well, apparently he had forgotten about it. It was stuck in a book of mine that I saw in his apartment."

"So you left a naked picture of yourself for him to find?"

"No Alice. Hence the 'He kept a picture' part. After I found it he didn't let me have it. He wanted to keep it. Anyways, it's black and white, not too revealing, I'm in bed asleep, partially covered by a sheet. He took it, he said that I looked beautiful."

"So he wants you back, or he just plain wants you… Because there isn't a third option there." She let me know.

"I don't know okay? It's just what happened. And by the way… Have you been talking with Patrick lately? I'm detecting a trend here."

"Got him on speed dial. I am going to steal that friend of yours. He is adorable."

"Oh keep him. My wedding present." I said grinning at her.

"So what do you think about this one guys?" Asked Rose coming out of the dressing room with a strapless merlot red gown on.

"Wow!" Alice said. It looked gorgeous on her.

"There is no way in hell I'll wear that dress standing right next to you Rose." I put my foot down.

"It would be cute." Alice tried to plead with me.

"No, no strapless dresses. Give me straps. Please!" I told her.

"Maybe you could have straps and Rose go strapless?" She tried to negotiate.

"But the color doesn't look quite right…" Edward's deep voice got us to turn around "…Or the neckline, you want Bella to pop out? Try that cream colored sleeveless one with the big red flower on the corner of the skirt. The V neck goes all the way up to the shoulders. That will work," He volunteered.

"Edward!" Rose and Alice yelled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Is Jasper here? He knows he can't come, I'm trying on wedding dresses." Alice said worried.

"No he's not, he just wanted you to have your wedding binder, you left it home."

"How did you get in?" Rose asked.

"Oh, I just told them my wife was here. Sorry Bells had to go with you."

"Gee, I'm sorry our fake marriage is something you need to be sorry about." I said with sarcasm.

"But you do have a point on the dress, we should try that one." Alice commanded.

"I can help with the decision making."

"No you won't. You'll go outside like a good husband." I said.

"Alice, Jasper said that you had a lot of errands to run, so I'm free if you want me to do some of them." Edward offered.

"You don't need to since I'm already going to help." I reminded Alice.

"But now that you mention it… It could go way faster if Edward drives you."

"I can do it on my own."

"But I need you to get to those places on time."

"Now you don't want to spend time with me? I'm hurt." It was Edward's attempt at a guilt trip.

"Fine… Whatever."

Soon after trying on more of the dresses Edward and I were driving around finalizing some bookings that Alice needed us to do. She was so organized that we were just getting to places to give further instructions and drop off checks.

"Okay, so Alice's notes say that we only have one more stop and then we are free." I let Edward know.

"After that we could go grab something to eat."

"Not seeing the little lady on a Saturday?" I asked him.

"She was busy."

"Are you sure she exists? I don't remember seeing any pictures in your apartment. Is she _that kind_ of friend? Tell me… Is she with us right now?" I asked to bother him.

"You are _hilarious_ Swan. And Karen does exist. So where are we going now?"

"Jeweler's. To check on the progress of the wedding bands."

"Isn't it early getting everything done just now?" He asked me.

"Well, they only have five months… Correction: less than five months, and you know Alice, she gets so overworked with excitement."

When we arrived at the Jewelry Store, a sharp man in his fifties greeted us.

"Welcome. Can I help you?"

"We're here to check on the Whitlock/Brandon order." I replied.

"Are you the Whitlocks?"

"No… We're the best man and maid of honor." I informed him.

"But we're married." Edward quickly added, making me turn to look at him puzzled.

"I don't see a ring on this lovely lady's hand." He observed.

"You are right. High school sweethearts… Couldn't afford to get her one, but maybe I should now. Come on honey, why don't you look while the good sir looks into the order?" He said.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" I asked when the man went to the back.

"Loads."

"I might as well look for Karen's ring… As your female best friend I'll eventually end up doing it… Even if it's not for Karen."

I walked around looking at the rings with Edward following me close. My hand rested on the glass surface as I moved sliding it over the sparkling stones.

And then I saw one that stood out alienated from its multiple-carat cousins, it had an antique feel to it, and the main stone was not a diamond but a sapphire. I stopped for a fraction of a second to give it a quick look, but continued immediately.

Soon after I stopped and said:

"There you are. That's the one you'll be proposing with." I said pointing to an elegant platinum and diamond ring. The stone wasn't poking out of the ring too much, which I never liked, and it looked of a nice size, not too big, not too small.

"Well thank you for the information. I'm sure I'll forget about it by the time I actually need it."

"You can always bring me back." I offered.

"Okay, the order is in progress and it will be ready by the date I gave miss Brandon. Please let her know that we had no problem incorporating her ideas." Said the man when he came back.

"Okay, thank you."

"Are you sure you don't need help for your own ring?" He asked before we left.

"No thank you, apparently I know exactly what I need." Edward told him.

"Well, if you need anything please let me know."

"Okay Cullen, lets get out of here. I'm starving." I said truly happy of being done with Alice's errands.

We left the store and walked down the boutique strip it was located on, stopping to look at some of the menus of the restaurants. It was a bizarre time to have food, since it was around five, but we had gotten so caught up with everything that we had missed lunch.

"This one looks okay." I said reading the entrees.

"Edward! Hey!"

I turned around to see a slender girl with red/brownish her down her shoulders coming towards us… Or more accurately: towards Edward.

"Karen… I thought you had a family thing…" Edward said reaching for her shoulder.

"I did, but mom canceled." She said planting a quick peck on Edward's lips.

Suddenly I felt very out of place.

"Ah… This is Bella, she is my best friend." Edward introduced me.

"I have heard so much about you!"

'And you still want to know me?' I wondered.

"I… have heard a lot about you as well. It is nice to finally meet you." I said forcing me to be polite.

"So what are you guys doing?" Karen asked.

"Errands for our friend Alice who is getting married. But we were just about to grab something to eat." Edward answered her.

"Great. Do you mind if I join you? I really want to get to know you Bella." She said looking at me.

"Not at all…" I said.

And so another hell began.


	8. Chapter 8

_**I have been rushing to get to this chapter. **_

_**I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. **_

_**I apologized if I haven't replied to your reviews and questions, but I thought you rather have this sooner.**_

* * *

I do not think that the way to share your baggage with a new romantic interest is to invite said baggage to dinner with you. Or in our case: the early bird special. 

The restaurant wasn't full, about only four tables were taken, all of them including senior citizens. 

I prayed for them to have started losing their hearing, since I feared either the trouble my mouth could get me into, or the long and convoluted story that very likely would be disclosed. 

I had asked him to introduce her to me because I wanted to know what she looked like and I wanted to know if she was stupid. 

I regretted that now.

"So I've heard you've been friends for a long time." She said looking to me from across the table and breaking the ice.

"Ah… All our lives really." I said noticing Edward to my right visibly nervous. 

The perks of having slept with him in the past (besides the obvious) was that I knew all his tells.

"That is remarkable. I don't think I'm close to anyone I've known all my life, besides family."

"Yeah… It is certainly unusual to be that close to someone other than family…" I said making Edward cough while drinking his water.

"Are you okay sweetie?" She asked.

"I'm fine." He answered avoiding the looks form both his flanks. Probably wondering when the ghost form Christmas future was to come in and fill the empty seat.

"I bet you know all of Edward's secrets." She said, and for a minute I wondered if she was truly naïve or she was testing me.

"I may know one or two." I replied now making sure Edward could see into my eyes acknowledging all the secrets I held of his.

"We should definitely get together without this one and compare notes." She proposed with a giggle.

"Oh, that would be fab!" I agreed with a huge fake grin, but it went away when I felt a pinch on my leg. Looking sideways I noticed Edward was shooting me a deathly glare, which I avoided by looking at the menu.

"Hello my name is Mark. I'll be your server. Would you like to hear the specials?"

"Yes please, I'm literally famished." Karen said irking me. 

"Really? You look quite alive and rosy-cheeked." I said unable to catch my tongue.

"You are such a joker _Isabella_." He said using my full name, fully aware of my pet peeve of people using 'literally' incorrectly.

"What was that about?" She said from behind her menu.

Great. She was stupid enough to miss it. 

Well… Maybe not stupid… 

But she still missed it. 

"Our special today is duck confit with arugula and almond salad, a mashed potato and beef tenderloin gourmet pizza sprinkled with chili oil and the fish of the day is rainbow trout."

"The duck confit sounds good to me." Edward commented.

"You don't like arugula." I said from my menu. "Oh… Sorry… Force of habit. Get whatever you want. I probably have all your likes and dislikes outdated."

"No. You are right. I don't like arugula. I think I'll have the gourmet pizza." He said instestead.

"Sounds good to me too." I said handing my menu to the waiter.

"I think I'll have the duck instead." Karen said.

"Anything to drink?"

"Diet coke for me. And water." I asked.

"I think I'll have a beer." 

Oh yes Edward… Keep the alcohol coming.

"Glass of the house red please." Karen ordered.

"No problem. I'll be back shortly with your drinks."

"You seem to have your hands full with med school for what I hear." I said trying my best to be cordial.

"Definitely. It's hard. But rewarding."

"I honestly think it's impressive. I toyed with the idea of graduate school, maybe I'll do it at some point." I said thinking that I couldn't hate her… much. I was relieved she wasn't a bimbo, and I knew that she could not be stupid if she was with Edward.

"I didn't know that Swan." He said. It was now my turn to surprise him.

"You don't know many things about me." I told him with an enigmatic smile.

"Did you practice that smile at the Louvre, Mona Lisa?" He asked.

"I wasn't the one practicing smiles in front of the mirror every morning when we were kids."

"Were you peeping on me when I was in the bathroom?" He asked in return.

"Ah… No of course not…" I said suddenly realizing the connotations of our teasing.

"I think I need to go to the lady's room. Excuse me." Karen informed us getting up and walking towards the restroom.

"Cut it out!" I said. 

"You are the one toying with me and enjoying it."

"Whatever." I said noticing someone approaching us. 

Once she was close enough I felt a wave of familiarity. I desperately tried to place her face to no avail.

"Edward and Bella Cullen… I haven't seen you guys since high school."

Great…

I pretty much had erased everybody from high school from my memories. I sincerely thought that anyone I didn't love wasn't really worth keeping a mental record of.

"Ah… Hi…" Edward said going crazy trying to think of her name as well.

"It's me… Abigail… We were in some classes together back then. I'm here with my Nana and Poppa. I saw you and I had to come and say hi."

"Well hi… " I said trying to coax her back to her table.

"I can't believe it's the two of you…"

In my peripheral vision I could see Karen coming back. I had to get this woman back to her table if I didn't want a very awkward introduction added to my torture.

"Looks like your grandparents are waving you to come back…" I said.

"Wow! All these years and you are still together." Maybe my wish was granted and she had started losing her hearing as well.

Edward was upset.

"I think Bella is right, I think your grandparents are calling you."

"You know it's not like that…" I desperately tried to shut her up when I noticed Karen could hear everything she was saying.

"…After the whole baby thing I would have thought you guys wouldn't make it. But it is so good to see you together. Are you married? Did you have more kids? Anyways… It was really nice to see you guys, bye!" She finally said and retreated to her table.

That woman had no sense of timing. 

Or maybe a great comedic one.

"Together?" Karen's distraught voice asked.

"Ah... Yeah. Bella and I were together." Edward admitted.

"Together, as in more than friends?"

Now she had gone with another one of my pet peeves: stating the obvious. 

I was changing my mind about not being able to hate her much.

"Unless you consider that we share a set of parents." I blurted out.

"Are you able to keep your mouth shut ever?" Edward asked me.

"I lose control when I'm in a stressful situation, okay?" I said upset.

"Back to this conversation you too!" Karen commanded.

"My parents are Bella's legal guardians, and we were raised together since we were ten." He informed her.

"But we have been best friends forever." I added.

"So when were you together?" She wasn't going to let that go easily.

We answered at the same time… Unfortunately, we answered differently:

"Senior year in high school we got together." Said Edward.

"We lived together for three years while in college." I replied. 

In horror we realized we had referenced different periods of our romantic relationship.

"We broke up right after graduation almost two years ago." I said trying to appease her.

"Are you two kidding me! What kind of prank is this? Having me meet her and not tell me anything?"

"Technically, this meeting was not planned." I reminded her, further angering her.

"Were you going to ease me into it?" She asked Edward.

"Karen… There wasn't a master plan… I'm sorry it went like this, but I hadn't thought about disclosing some details of my life just yet." Edward said sternly.

"You are aware that our situation is complicated, right?" I said.

"Very complicated." She said giving me an icy glare. "Do you love him?" She asked me.

That was a cheap shot.

I had both their eyes on me and I didn't know how to answer that. 

It was a charged question and every possible answer led to heartache. 

I decided to be true.

"Yes, with all my heart. I love him and I will always love him. But listen, you are missing the picture here."

"Well, do you love her?" She said turning back to Edward.

I couldn't let him answer.

I was scared. Fuck! I was petrified of hearing it right then and there. 

More scared about the answer being no than yes.

"Look, I am oddly happy that you are mad about the situation." I said regaining the attention. "Yeah, you should value him, he's worth it okay. But what you should care about is not what I feel for him, because believe me, we have such a long and convoluted history that it is impossible that I may not have feelings for him, feelings that are very broad and very difficult to analyze even for me…

…But what you should really care is that it is not my intention to steal him from you okay? And I'll tell you something else: if you love him, if you _really_ love him, take him as he is. Love him just like he is, baggage and all. He is definitely worth it." I said putting all my cards on the table.

"And what about the baby? Why did she ask you if you had _other_ kids?" 

"Oh no, don't go there." I said hurt just by the mention of my rawest ache.

"Oh I will go there." She answered daring me.

"Karen drop it." Edward told her upset.

"I deserve to know."

"Okay. We were in high school. I got Bella pregnant. It was an ectopic pregnancy. We lost it, nothing else to add." Edward said fuming now.

Every word of his bleeding me.

"I want her to tell me."

I was visibly pained. 

"What is it to you?" I asked letting the anger tear my throat raw as I spoke. "You are not going to be introduced to a little "niece of nephew" that just happens to look a lot like him okay? Just leave my personal business alone." I said.

"No, I want to hear the whole thing from you. I want to know that this is not something you use on him to make him feel guilty…. Your poor dead baby." She spat out acidly.

"Okay, you went too far." I said getting up. "That is none of your goddamn business! That is no one's business but mine. I know that you are important to him and I know you may be around, so I'm willing to be civil. But you don't talk about it ever again, you hear me? My loss is mine alone and to be honest… I have lost my appetite." I said gathering my stuff and leaving the restaurant. I could feel the tears in my eyes. 

An old wound had been opened. 

When the cool wind hit my face just outside the restaurant I felt a hand pull me gently.

I turned around to see Edward with a concerned look.

"You are chasing the wrong girl…" I said. "Yours is inside." 

And I got myself free and walked home, terrified I'd suffer Lot's wife punishment if I looked back.

* * *

I had been crying in my apartment in the dark. Crying for all the losses that awaited me back home. That was the reason I didn't want to go back: I didn't want to face all the people and things I got in the ground back there.

And at some point the tears had dried. So I just sat on the floor… Remembering.

The knock on the door got me back to my reality.

I knew I looked like a mess, and not precisely because of the t-shirt and pajama bottoms I was wearing, but because of my puffy and tear-stained face.

I thought that compared to how I felt I really didn't care if Patrick or Elyse saw me like that. And I really didn't expect anyone else.

But instead I opened the door to find Edward there. 

"It's not just your goddamn business." He said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"The baby. It wasn't just your loss. So stop fucking erasing me from everything!" He said.

Great. 

"Now, you want to yell at me!" I yelled back.

"You know what I'm talking about it. I'm sick and tired of you not even considering that I suffered it too. That it broke my heart as well." He said coming in without waiting for my invitation, and slamming the door behind him.

"Okay fine! Anything else?" I said defiantly.

"You are wearing my pajama bottoms!" He said looking at me.

I ripped them off and threw them at him

"Happy?" I asked, but suddenly I realized I was standing in front of him wearing just a t-shirt and panties.

"…And now I am aware that I'm half naked, and that I look very silly."

"You do." He said breaking a laugh.

We both started laughing.

"Here. Take these back." He said handing me the pajama bottoms back.

I took them and put them back on.

"You were sitting in the dark."

"Anything else obvious you want to point out?"

"Let me turn the light on and I'll get back at you on that one." He said going for the switch. 

The light hurt my eyes.

"I need to do to splash some water on my face." I said heading for the bathroom. He followed silently, and waited by the door while I tried to make me look slightly less puffy and red, and I brushed my teeth.

I walked back outside, but he went into my bedroom instead.

"I told you I was going to come and look for my stuff."

"Well, I'll make it easier for you, there's a box under my bed with all the stuff."

"Keeping it handy?" He asked looking smug.

"You heard me talk about my home materials, didn't you?" I answered daring him to go further.

He pulled the box out and looked through photos and other mementos.

"You won't find a nude picture if that is what you are looking for."

"I can always show you the real thing Swan." He said still looking through the stuff.

"I think I'm not the only one who avoids the real issues with crass jokes."

"It took you this long to figure that out?" He said pulling something out. "I can't believe you kept this." He said pulling out a t-shirt with black sharpie writing on it.

"Are you kidding?" I said thinking that was probably the most valuable thing that box held.

"It would have been about five now." He said. 

I didn't need clarification for my heart ached with his words.

The thought humbled me to my knees, right next to him.

"Everything would be so different… Weird…" I said.

"I think it would have been lovely."

"Do you think we'd be together? It was better this way… Imagine sharing it, in our current situation…" I dared to ask.

"I think we'd still be together."

I didn't want to play this game anymore.

"I think our story is fresh out of grand gestures." I said putting the shirt back in and pushing it back under the bed.

I got up and started walking towards the living room, turning the switch off as I left.

"I think not." He said pulling me back to his arms and his lips.

I now had another brand new forceful, demanding and yet amazing kiss to add to our collection of firsts.

My lips and my body had no concept of the time past, for they were responding on queue.

My mind, however, had the memory of an elephant… A resentful one.

"Edward… We can't…"

"Why not?" He asked.

"Karen…"

"Karen broke up with me when I told her to never talk to you like that ever again." He said between kisses.

"You are not broken up… You're on a break…"

"Please… I need this… I need you…"

I couldn't say anything else. 

I didn't want to. 

So my hands and my skin decided to smother my mind to death.

Edward pushed me gently to my bed. With only the light from the living room, I could see his face between shadows. I thought that somehow we had achieved time travel, since we were now back in time.

He hungrily kissed and explored my skin with his hands: shifting, pulling, tearing off my body from its wrapping.

I did my share of unwrapping as well, and soon enough we were unencumbered by clothing, feeling our hot skins directly.

I was descending to madness and I liked it.

"I still know your body well. Let me show you."

I didn't say anything but let him shape my every contour and I enjoyed the feeling of his chest against my nipples.

He kneeled on the bed and wrapping his arms around my back he pulled my chest up to taste the tender buds now splayed before him.

Slowly he lowered us back down and gently caressing my thigh he pushed it aside, creating a space for him.

He found his place between my legs, as he kissed my lips some more. 

I boiled in anticipation.

Slowly he teased the flower that now bloomed just for him.

I was open and ready.

He stopped his kissing to look into my eyes and gently eased himself in.

The tightness hurt me and didn't go unnoticed.

"Oh God… Did you grow another hymen Swan?" He asked me surprised.

"Agh… I… Ah…. I haven't been doing this much…" I said trying to accommodate him. 

He repeated the trick that had done it long ago, covering my lips with his and very carefully eased the pain with his lovemaking.

"Just exactly… how little… you have been doing this?" He asked with giddiness. I knew what he wanted to hear. The truth of exactly how much he still affected me.

"Down boy…" I said smiling. Despite everything I had all this power over him. "Not at all since you… Happy?" I said looking into his eyes.

"I'm… aroused…" He admitted.

"Don't gloat on it." I said looking away.

"Did you touch yourself thinking of me?" He asked on my ear, with the huskiest voice. 

He was trying hard.

"Despite… the present situation… you need me to stroke… your ego as well?" I asked turning back to face him.

"Do you think… I'm really sick… if I just remembered… oh god… how much sarcasm and sex… turns me on?... I've been missing that." He confessed. 

Anybody else would have found that weird and offensive. 

But to me it was as good as a promise of eternity.

"You are definitely… a perverted individual." I said unable to conceal my delight.

"Then… you'll be having… a really wonderful night…" He replied.

"Lucky me… Ah… Edward…" I gasped.

"I thought about you… That night… in my apartment… after I took you home… And I didn't need…" It was getting more and more difficult for him to talk as he was pistoning into me. 

"…the stupid picture… Not that I ever used it… before… for those purposes… Just the memory of your body… against mine on the bed… It took all my will… not to take you… right there…"

"I missed you." It was all I was able to say…

"I missed you too baby… I think… we should go to my apartment… and make love on our bed… For old time's sake." He said caressing my cheek and tilting my head to look at him. 

It got me that he so needed me to open my eyes and look at him, acknowledging what he was doing to me.

"Okay… I don't think… I can keep having… a coherent conversation now." He said.

"I'm impressed… You were able to use… the word coherent…" I said as my last witty remark.

Soon enough he gave the stupid face I knew I loved. 

I was fairly certain I had one just like that… 

…And I didn't care.

* * *

_**There you have it.**_

_**I have confidence I won't need to rush another update, since you should be pleased.**_




	9. Chapter 9

I became aware of a certain tingle on my skin while in the middle of a dream. The details of my reverie were very quickly lost as I emerged from my slumber, with that awful feeling of having forgotten something precious. But the tingle remained, and soon enough I realized that it wasn't part of the dream, but it came from the very real man who was by my side, with free reign over my body.

Barely opening my eyes I could make out the outline of his face in the dark. 

"I've had had this dream before… And it leads to heartache." I said as I languidly enjoyed the touch, but the satisfaction of release was slowly giving way to a black cloud.

I might be called a fatalist. 

The man I had just given myself to a few hours ago, might say I am unable to accept facts and be happy.

But I'm no idiot. 

I know he loves me and I know I love him. 

The issue is all the unresolved stuff that lies in between. 

Tonight was a slip-up. 

An incredibly satisfying slip-up, but a slip-up nonetheless.

You see I am an expert now on the consequences of giving in physical temptation while ignoring the pressing issue of dealing with our shit.

Tonight had been special and wonderful. But it was a way of evasion. 

I wasn't going to go that route again.

"Could you feel this on your dream?" He said showing me just how awake he was.

"Put that thing away before you poke someone's eye out." I said dryly. 

"Give me break. It was over a year and a half."

"I sincerely doubt you were a monk in that year and a half." I answered closing my eyes, but not unwelcoming his touch.

"I wasn't one… True. But pretty damn close." 

"What time is it? Can you turn the lamp on?" I asked.

"Sex with the lights on… Nice."

I knew very well the coping mechanism he was using. He learned it from me after all.

"You are… Way too confident."

"You bring that in me." He said as he turned the light on. 

"Three in the morning? You must be really horny." I said when I noticed the time.

I sat up looking around my room, the normalcy and familiarity made more evident the fact that all the previous circumstances of the demise of our relationship still existed, and that a night's holocaust hadn't mutated basic physical laws.

I got up and put on a t-shit from the floor and headed towards the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" he asked me.

"Nothing… Thinking… Brushing my teeth…" 

He came into the bathroom with me.

"Do you mind if I use yours?" He asked when I was done.

"Yes. I don't want your germs on me." I said with a weak smile but handing him my toothbrush.

"Too bad… I think we already exchanged enough secretions."

"I think we definitely did."

We walked back to the bed and he sat against the headboard. I sat crossed legged facing him.

"Do you mind doing your thinking here? I'd prefer it." He said pulling me to his lap.

"Are you _really_ going to let me think?" I asked knowing the answer well.

"If it means that you're going to start regretting what we just did, I won't." He said pushing my hair off my shoulders.

"We'll eventually need to figure out what this means." I said.

"You know what this means."

"No… I know what you want this to mean. And I know what I'm terrified this will mean. I don't regret what we did, but you know it was a mistake. This is going to mess us a lot. We were still trying to be friends again."

"Can't we be friends and lovers? I think we've done that in the past."

"Things didn't work in the past." I refreshed his memory.

"So are you just going to make love to me a couple of times and then leave me?" He asked trying to look cute.

"We only did it once." I pointed out.

"Are you going anywhere right now?" He said with a wicked grin.

"You are an idiot."

"And you are gorgeous. Let's take this off." And with a swift movement he took the shirt off. 

"I'm not looking forward doing the talk right now. But we have to eventually."

"We'll talk about it in the morning, happy?"

"So now can we go to bed?" I asked feeling tired.

"Happy to oblige." He then kissed me rubbing my back with one hand and holding on to my hair with the other. He gently pushed us so I was lying on my back underneath him and our feet touched the headboard. 

He started moving against me when I suddenly realized what was missing between us.

I pushed him off.

"You are such an idiot!" I yelled sitting up.

"I enjoy your sarcasm, but outright offenses are not my idea of foreplay."

"You didn't use a condom! I'm such an idiot! What's the matter with us!" I said punching him lightly on the chest.

"You're not on the pill?" He asked surprised.

"Ah… Remember that conversation about me not having sex in over eighteen months? What's wrong with you? Did you expect me to just stay on it in the rare occurrence you'd wanted to have sex with me? Do you always expect the girl to take care of it?"

"I've been very safe for your information. It's just something about me and you… As a matter of fact, you are the only woman I have not used a condom with…"

"Okay, this cannot happen again… I cannot get pregnant out of this." I said as my head was spinning.

"Would it be so bad to do that with me?" He asked in all honesty.

"That is not the problem so don't twist my words. I've already done this before, complicating things before you and I figure our stuff out and can normally decide what we want. I want to do things right for once."

He chuckled.

"I'm glad to know I make you laugh."

"It's not that… I suddenly remember that I promised you it wasn't going to be the last time you carried my child…"

"That is not funny…"

"You are not going to get pregnant." He reassured me.

"And you know this for a fact?" I asked thinking that maybe we both deserved to be punished.

"I don't… I'm just optimistic… Besides, I vowed next time I was going to mean it. When it's the right time, I want to know what I'm creating."

That stopped me dead on my tracks. Edward had a knack for saying things that melt my insides, at absolutely the worst times.

"I need to get my day planner…" I said getting up and walking outside to find my workbag, which was lying on top of the dining table. I didn't care I was walking around completely naked. 

"Since when do you have a day planner?" He asked walking behind me.

"Since I have a real job. I have dress pants and blazers too. What do you think that I go to work on my Bowie t-shirt and converse sneakers?"

"I actually thought you'd pull that off."

"I don't work at Barnes and Noble." I said getting my day planner form my bag and flipping through the pages looking for the markings of my cycle on the calendar. 

I counted the days as he placed little kisses on my shoulder. 

"We're safe… I'm getting my period in three days."

"That is always good to know…" He commented.

"That's it. I'm getting an IUD as soon as possible." I said while I wrote down 'Call OB/GYN' on my to do list for Monday. 

Looking back I could see a huge grin plastered on his face.

"Oh don't smile!… This isn't for you… I am obviously not trustworthy when it comes to contraception… That sounds familiar… Did Carlisle say that to me at some point?" I asked trying to remember.

"He definitely said that to me." He admitted.

"Well I'm not reliable if you are around. And don't get your hopes up, I'm not promising anything. I just don't want to ever feel like this again."

"We had sex many times without it resulting on me knocking you up. That was only once." He informed me.

"Do you think that night in my room was the only time I've taken a pregnancy test?" I said delighted with his naïveté. 

"This is news to me. Did you do that more than once?" He asked me.

"A couple of times when we were living together." I confessed.

"But I thought we were being careful. Weren't we using like two or three different methods?" 

"We were, but I still had a couple of scares." I said remembering those times. Once you get burned you learn to be very ware of fire. Although, I had just proven, time makes you forget everything.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Edward asked.

"There was no need. And I wasn't going to worry you." I responded.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own."

"It's not a big deal. Just a part of being a woman." 

"And I'm sorry I was an ass and didn't think about being safe." He said apologizing.

"It didn't cross my mind either." I admitted.

"So… We're safe?" He asked as he embraced me.

"Yes, my ovulation passed." 

"Then nothing says we couldn't…"

"It's late… I want to go to sleep." I said pulling myself off him and walking towards my bedroom.

"Hey what is this…" He said touching my lower back. 

I froze remembering what he was referring to. 

"It's nothing…" I said trying to get his attention off of it.

"You got some ink… Let me see." He said pulling me back while he kneeled to see it.

"Ah… I see…" He said tracing the gothic lettering that spelt "Nevermore".

"It's… something symbolic for me… You probably don't understand."

"Of course I do… the baby… When I told you'd make a good mom, and we joked about Poe… It's beautiful." He said kissing the spot.

He got up and turned me around. His face was serious, he wasn't joking anymore. He lifted me up and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his body. And with that he took me to my bed, to make me forget some more.

* * *

"Is it morning yet?" I asked opening my eyes and noticing it wasn't as dark anymore.

"No… Go back to sleep." I was told.

"Avoiding something?"

"I'm just enjoying this."

"What?" I asked.

"You lying on my chest. It's been a long time since you slept with me. And I really mean sleep. I used to have trouble sleeping if you weren't around remember? I had a hard time getting used to sleeping alone." 

I had had that problem as well.

"Humans are adaptable. It's funny how a person could get used to pretty much anything."

"I'd call that incredibly sad." Said Edward.

"Come on. Let's get up. I'll make you breakfast." I said getting up.

"Sex and breakfast. You are a good host Swan."

"Don't get used to it." 

I put on a silk robe Patrick had given me as a present, thinking that it was the perfect opportunity to wear what I had deemed useless before. 

Edward sat on the counter looking at me wearing only his boxers while I cooked.

"So… When are we having that conversation?" I asked while turning an omelet.

"When my stomach is full. You really know how to kill the mood Swan." 

He was avoiding the talk.

"I'm not the villain here Cullen." I finally said resigned to be the one coaxing him to face the facts.

"Stop it. You are talking about it." I heard dread in his words.

"Whatever."

There was a knock on my door and it startled both of us. 

"Are you expecting anyone?" He asked.

"No. Patrick and Elyse sometimes drop by, but they have keys and just barge in. Which reminds me, you should go put some clothes on in case it's them."

"Are you embarrassed about what we did now?" He said smiling.

"No. But Patrick will make some lewd remark regarding your physique, tell me, is your masculinity that secure?" I asked.

"You have a point." He said walking towards my room while I went to the door to open it. 

Surprised didn't begin to describe my feeling when I found Neil outside my apartment.

"Good morning." He said and I could see his surprise to see me in the silk robe.

"Hi… Neil. How are you?" I felt very awkward being dressed like that.

"Good. Sorry I came without calling. I thought about coming by and seeing if you wanted to have breakfast… But I think I should have called first." He said beginning to understand that his presence wasn't as welcomed as he had probably expected.

"Ah… I'm sorry…" I started muttering when I saw surprise form on Neil's face, and I felt a hand settle on my hip.

"Who is it baby?" Edward asked making a claim on me.

I felt awful looking at Neil. Our date had made it very clear to me that I could not find myself attracted to him, but I didn't want to be rude, he hadn't been anything but nice and respectful.

"Ah…" It was all that came out my mouth.

"Hi… I'm Edward…" He said giving Neil a nod. 

"Ah… I'm Neil… I work with Bella… I think I'm intruding… I'm sorry… I'll see myself out." He said retreating. 

I felt numb as I was pulled back and Edward closed the door.

"Let's see about that omelet." He dared say like nothing had just happened.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked looking at him and wondering if I truly knew him.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play the idiot card. I cannot believe you would embarrass me like that."

"Don't give me that crap. You perfectly know what it was. You want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I was jealous."

Whatever tension we had gotten rid of was rapidly reforming.

"Of course I know you were jealous, your behavior is what I don't understand. I'm actually amazed you didn't just pee on me!" I said raising my voice.

"Worried I burned your chances with him?"

"That had nothing to do with it, you big hypocrite. May I remind you are the one in a relationship?"

"I told you it ended last night."

"You told me she broke up with you and then you persuaded me to accept you in my bed because it was what you needed right then. And those were your exact words. Are you sure that it is over? For you? Do you truly believe it was over for her? Don't you think she sees it as just a fight?" 

"I went out with her for two months top. Don't make it sound like we were engaged."

"I was civil and I showed respect to the person you were with because I care about you and because I have manners. I went out with that guy one time, and you became a caveman. You treated me like I was your property. So don't give me shit."

"I have no intention of going back to her… Last night had no meaning for you?"

"It had more than you imagine. But last night was something physical. I'm not stupid, I am very observant of what was said and not said last night." 

"You didn't seem to care about it when I was deep in you."

I knew what he was doing. 

We were both going for blood now.

"You really know where to cut don't you?" I said.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that. But you are very aware of what we feel for each other." 

I wasn't missing the words he was not saying. I had been right about having too much stuff to sort through before pretending we had gotten back together.

"That was never the problem…" I said and I realized that I couldn't hold that any more. I was going to let it out:

"…You know what the problem is… You know what I fear… Everyone blamed me: I was the one who left. But you know very well that you checked out of the relationship well before I left."

He was silent for a while and finally spoke.

"I did."

"Then don't come to me acting like I'm the one afraid. I gave you everything I had to give. I cannot give you anything else. You have already taken it all."

"Things are different now." He pleaded.

"No, they are not. This is not going to work until we deal with them."

"So let's deal with them."

"No. I want you to get out now." I admitted looking down to my floor. And just like in one of my favorite songs, in the middle of the world crumbling down I noticed the dust has collected on the floor. The world was going to continue spinning despite it all.

"Bella."

"Get out of here now." I went to my bedroom and picked up his clothes.

"You are being irrational."

I threw his clothes at him. And he put on his pants.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment." I ordered coldly. 

"You need to calm down and we need to talk about this."

"We do. And we will, but right now I need you to get the fuck out." I ordered him.

"I'm not going to let this go."

"And I appreciate that. But if you care about me you are going to give me space right now."

"You know how I feel Swan."

"Likewise." I said closing the door.

I wasn't going to cry. I had done all my crying the night before. 

The door opened again and I turned ready to yell some more but instead Patrick and Elyse stood in front me. 

"Good Lord woman. It's like Picadilly Circus out there. We saw Neil leave and then we bumped into your scarcely clad ex. Had and orgy and didn't invite us?" Patrick said lightening my moon a bit.

"Not the time for it Patrick. Neil showed up unannounced and Edward pulled the macho card to let him know I'm his."

"So… Are you?"

I grimaced at the comment. But my inner voice mimicked him: 'Was I?'

"I really don't know how to answer that right now. I think you both know that a booty call is not a profession of love." I responded.

"So you banged the lad last night and kick him out? You are quite the praying mantis." Said Patrick.

"Are you okay Bella?" Elyse asked opting to leave all the mockery to our friend.

"I'm fine. Or at least I will be after you fetch the tequila from the cupboard."

"Drinking to forget is never a good idea." She told me.

"I'm not going for oblivion. Just for numbness." I said in honesty.

Patrick proceeded to the kitchen and yelled back:

"Look Elyse! There's food ready and everything… One man's booty call gone bad is someone else's Sunday brunch."

It was just the last straw. It was just ridiculous. 

"I look fondly back to the time when I was the one making jokes at other people's life." I said walking in the kitchen and sitting on the counter, right where Edward was sitting before.

"That's what we are love, your karma. And by the way Izz, go get a shower. You reek of sex." He said patting my leg.

"I love you too Patrick."

"So tell us about your little romp. What possessed you to follow my advice?" He inquired quite surprised I had actually 'shagged his brains out'.

"I didn't plan this Patrick."

"Well I reckon these things are seldom planned." He responded.

"I met his girlfriend yesterday."

"And that explains it all…" Elysed added.

"We ran into someone who knew us from high school and she assumed we were together, made some comments and then Karen reacted like any hot-blooded woman."

"Threw a hissy fit?" Elyse guessed.

"She was overly jealous and threw some low punches." I recalled.

"But of course you beat her senseless." My English friend assumed.

"Not exactly. I didn't let her walk all over me, but I was the one leaving the place in tears." I admitted.

"And then?" Elyse asked.

"He showed up. Apparently she broke up with him and then we had a stroll down memory lane."

"Is that what you crazy kids call it these days?" Patrick asked.

"I was weak."

"What is bothering you so much, hon?" Elyse asked me.

"I'm not going to pretend I didn't want it, or that I didn't enjoy myself, but we still have a lot of stuff that is not resolved. And I know I just messed it up by being physical. This is so not the way of doing things. And I know it from experience." 

"I'm not sure I see why it is so bad?" Patrick wondered.

"Well… If she hadn't said the things she said they'd still be together… The truth is that he can't say shit like: he never stopped loving me or that we are meant to be together… Not that he tried to anyways… The truth is that he wasn't trying to get me back for good. He carried on with another relationship. And I don't care that she was good or not, or the fact that it is now over. I care about him wanting the promise of happiness with someone else. And I know he wanted that, because he knew something was beyond repair with us."

"But he doesn't want her back does he?" Elyse asked me.

"He didn't rush to end it before, and if it hadn't been for a fortuitous meeting and the mention of something that was sacred to both of us, they'd still be together. I don't want him because it's convenient. I want him to want me despite everything else. Not just because we know so much about each other, or because we share this past. Or even because it is great in bed."

"Though that is a perk, right?" Patrick added.

"Sure… Listen… There are some things that only he knows about… And until we deal with that… I can't imagine a happy ever after."

"I think it's not us you should be talking about this with." Elyse wisely commented.

"I know… I just need time to figure out what I feel and what I want. And he definitely needs time as well. But I'm not going to do this for him. This is something he has to do on his own."

"Okay… Well hop on that shower and we can eat this food and do some drinking, but I won't let you get reacquainted with tequila. I'll make some mimosas." Patrick informed me.

"Thank you both." I said walking to the shower not completely happy about having to wash Edward's scent off my skin.

* * *

_**There, I bet my status just changed again. But it isn't over 'til it's over.**_

_**Just think that conflict ensures that this story goes on instead of ending soon. **_

_**The one thing I can tell you is that we will get to see Alice's wedding.**_

_**Thank you to all of you that read and to those who reviewed too: You keep me writing. **_

_**Ah! And to answer about the possibility of EPOV of this story. I don't want to do it. Because I want all of us to feel as confused as Bella. We'll have to take his spoken word for everything.**_

_**Thanks again!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**I got two very good recommendations for music from you. I hadn't heard any of them before but as you mentioned it, they work well with what the characters are living through. So I thought I should share them:**_

_**Interpol's "The New" from Cassieschwartzman**_

_**I thought the lyrics went well with last chapter's fight.**_

_**Rachel Yamagata's "The reason why" from runnergirl30**_

_**I agree with you, this is definitely the soundtrack to Bella leaving for Paris. It's uncanny!**_

* * *

Three weeks had passed since I had so _graciously_ kicked Edward out of my place. My reaction may have been exaggerated but it had been the straw the broke the camel's back. 

And at the end it hadn't been at all about the event that unraveled my wrath. 

It had to be done. 

My period had come painful and bothersome, as I had predicted, and I waited for the appropriate midcycle moment to take care of the business that my immaturity demanded. 

Today my body cramped and ached again, but not naturally anymore. I saw the discomfort and intrusion as a well-deserved penance for past mistakes. 

At last the deed had been done and now I was left once more in the examination room shamefully clad in a paper gown to gather myself and redress. I got my legs off the stirrups and sat up on the table to look at the colorful photographs that cover the walls, with loving babes as diverse as the colors on the rainbow. 

I got myself off the table and collected my garments form a chair, and as I looked back I was surprised to see the deep burgundy color of my blood on the paper cover, soon to be disposed for the next examination. I hadn't expected to bleed for this, it hadn't been excruciatingly painful, but blood had been spilled nonetheless.

Soon enough I was fetched by a nurse and told about the care I was to have with my brand new intrauterine device. Only one thing I expected from it: that it was stupidity-proof contraception. I would be sore for the rest of the day, she told me, but nothing that some ibuprofen and taking it slow wouldn't take care of. I had taken that Friday off from work and had a faithful friend who'd be picking me up. 

So I went outside expecting to find Alice reading one of those magazines with a very plump celebrity, happy and stretch mark free on the cover.

"What are you doing here?" I said to the only man sitting there not accompanying a heavily pregnant woman. 

"I'm your ride." Edward informed me without taking his eyes off the aforementioned pregnant celebrity-covered magazine.

"I thought Alice was coming. I asked _her_."

"She had something to do. But I think it's only fair _I'm_ the one accompanying you. Are you in pain?" He asked setting the magazine aside and getting up to follow me outside the women's health practice.

"I'm crampy, but nothing too bad. I've felt worst before." I responded absentmindedly.

"I imagine. I'm sorry you have to go through it." 

"It's not for you." I said immediately.

"I know… But I have been selfish in the past, and I know that my lack of concern is part of the reason why you are doing this. So I'm here, even if I'm not to enjoy the benefits." Edward mentioned as we approached his car.

"Well, thank you for the ride. I guess it does make sense that you at least get to share my moodiness." 

We sat in the car in silence while he drove. My lack of communication due to my discomfort and the fact that I dreaded that if I were to speak, it would only end in yelling and feeling way worse than I already did. His silence, however, was arcane to me. 

"I don't think this is the way to my place." I said when my thoughts allowed me to notice that we were going somewhere else.

"I'm taking you to mine." He informed me.

"Why are you doing this? This so not the time for it." I told him rapidly getting upset.

"Relax. You are not feeling great, you deserve to have someone take care of you for a change."

"That is why I took a personal day from work." I replied.

"And that is why I'm working from home today. I'm taking you to mine because my drawing desk and my stuff is there. But if it's inconvenient for you, I'll take you to your place, though I will be staying. You should take something for the pain and lay down."

"Your place is fine… But please no jokes about taking this thing for a spin." I warned him.

"I won't joke about it."

"I can't have _the talk_ with you today either. I'm uncomfortable and in pain."

"This is just your friend taking care of you, not the asshole you have sex with sometimes." He said without looking at me.

I squinted my eyes and said: "That still sounds like wishful thinking to me."

"Fine! The asshole you used to have sex with. Better?" He proposed annoyed.

"Much better."

Once we arrived I was able to make Edward desist on the idea of carrying me into his apartment. That would have been ludicrous, to look like loving and horny newlyweds in our present condition. He walked behind me and flinched every time I seemed to grimace due to the dull pain in my womb.

"Okay, do you want to lay down on the couch or on the bed? You could watch TV or a movie."

"Couch is fine, but could you get me a pillow? And something for the pain?" I asked.

"Your wishes are my command."

"Then you take this pain." I joked.

"I wish if I could Swan." He said in a serious manner, completely disregarding the joke I had made.

I watched TV for a long time, going for shows that would keep me interested and free of any thoughts regarding my confusing relationship to the owner of the couch and flat screen I was presently enjoying. From time to time, said owner would check on me and bring me food, drink or a painkiller. And then right away he would go back to his work. The pain, though dull, had me tired and sleepy so I eventually dozed off.

"Bells, Bella… It's about ten and you fell asleep. I want to know if you want me to take you home or if you want to spend the night. You could get our… I mean the bed. I'll sleep out here." He said with a hand on my shoulder shaking me gently, while he kneeled next to the couch.

"Do you mind if I stay here. I don't really feel like going out just now." I said stretching and sitting up on the couch.

"Not at all." Edward responded sitting on the opposite end of the couch facing me. It had been still light out when I fell asleep and now the apartment was dark with only the light from the flickering screen. 

"You don't have to sleep outside. It's ridiculous, taking into account what we've been through already. You can control yourself right?" I asked with a smile.

"It's good to see you back Sarcastic Girl."

"It's been me all along." I noted.

"I'm sorry… For everything… I actually used all this time to think and I think you are right. I think we have a lot of stuff to work through. But I want to try again. We were making so much progress, and suddenly we're back to square one." 

As he said this he was avoiding my gaze.

"I'm… I'm not feeling so great to have us fight right now." I let him know with a fearful voice.

"Don't worry. I don't want to fight either. I know it needs to happen, and I promise you my blood. You can bleed me dry if you want… When you are ready." Edward offered.

"Thank you. I was really enjoying getting my best friend back. I don't want to lose that again… If we yell everything we have bottled down, I'm afraid we'll lose that." I informed him of my theory.

"I agree. Could we give each other a chance to heal before trying anything else?" Edward asked me looking at me humbly.

"That sounds good to me."

"I'd like to spend time with you and have us back, you know? You and me against the world again."

"I'm not going to be your friend with benefits." I blurted out.

He laughed weakly.

"I didn't expect that Swan. I mean, it sounds good and all, but no, I don't expect that. I just want the chance to earn your trust again. I know it always came too easy to me. Just give me the opportunity to win you back."

"Just don't send me cards and flowers. We are a little past that." I said with a faint smile.

"Remind me to cancel the singing telegram then."

"Too bad. That actually sounded like fun."

"Well, I don't think you would have liked your neighbors listening to the lyrics."

I laughed more decidedly this time.

"I'm sorry I was so immature. There is something about you that makes me feel like I'm still the seventeen-year-old that followed you around like a puppy." He said looking away from me.

"You've never been my puppy." I said in return.

"Of the two of us, you have always been the strongest one Swan." He informed me looking back at me.

"I'm pretty sure I haven't been able to take you down since we were ten."

He laughed quietly and smiled. Looking up at me he said: "I may be twice your size, able to pick you up without an effort and… make you come at whim… But believe me… You are the strongest one here…" 

He took a pause and continued:

"In seldom occasions, I've been able to take care of you, and I've treasured those times… That is why I act like a dick and do awful things like proclaim you're mine… I'm deeply sorry." He finally got it out.

"Apology accepted." 

"I know there are words we haven't been able to say… At least without being forced in your part… And I really don't know your reasons… But I want you to know that I'm afraid of saying those words because of the past… We used to say them to each other before getting together, and then when we did, it really seemed like we needed a stronger word to express the change of our feelings."

"I remember that feeling." I agreed.

"And then… They are also the words from before… And I'm afraid they may sound void or hypocritical…"

"They seem to be tainted somehow…" I volunteered. I had felt the same towards _the_ words. 

"And it sounds pathetic… But you know how I feel."

"Likewise." I said with a sad wide grin. "Thank you for saying it."

"I also know that I hurt you by giving it a go with someone else."

"You don't have to." This part I wasn't sure I wanted to hear.

"I do… And please let me say this whole thing… If you interrupt me I won't ever get it out right… 

…Throughout the years I've thought about you as mine… And I really believe that you are… But it's wrong for me to claim you as my property. It implies that I want to have around for whenever I'm ready… It is wrong… And it is not what I mean… You are my woman not because you are my property, but because you are the only possible one for me… I needed to believe that I could go against it… Believe that it was not true and I could make it work with someone else, because it hadn't work with you… If I believed that there were only you for me, and you were gone, then there was nothing else… I know it's not excuse but that was my reasoning."

"You didn't have a commitment to me. I didn't expect fidelity when we broke up."

"Funny thing is that we never actually said the words. We just left each other."

"Maybe that's why we never got closure."

"I'm not forcing your hand here. We have much healing to do, I am well aware that. You are neither my property nor my girlfriend. But you are my best friend, and that is all I need tonight to get by. So please give me that." He pleaded.

"You've had it all along… This is so weird… Sharing so much history with you." I said.

"Well, let's look at the positive side, there are many couples desperately trying to find the friendship we already have."

"That is true. So where do we go from here?" I asked.

"Well, to start we have that thing tomorrow at Jasper and Alice's."

"You know that is not what I asked about… I had forgotten about the dinner party, though. Can we… Can we not tell them everything?" 

"That would be a good idea. I don't think we need their input as well." He agreed with me and we remained silent for a few minutes.

"So… have you heard from Karen?" I asked.

"She has called and left messages that I haven't responded to. That is done for me." He responded.

"But you have to deal with it… You know… a wise guy told me one day that I had to process my shit to move on." I said smiling.

"I think he should follow his own advice then." 

"I think he should."

"So do you want to go to bed? In a totally platonic way?" Edward asked me.

"I slept most of the day… And I dread being horizontal with you to be honest." I confessed.

"See… I actually fear the vertical as well…" He informed me with a smile.

"Ah… great… now I remember that time… Is there anything just friendly we could do?"

"Video games?"

"Now you're talking." I said excited.

* * *

We arrived at Alice and Jasper's dinner for the old gang, now known as the wedding party. More than a casual and friendly reminiscing soirée, it was a tactical meeting commanded by Alice for her upcoming nuptials. We were sitting around the table eating while Alice made furious notes on her wedding binder.

"So Edward how is Karen doing?" Rosalie asked him.

"Ah… That didn't work out. She was definitely not the one for me." He responded giving me a sideway glance.

"So you two?" Alice asked, her finger pointing at the two of us sitting side by side.

We responded awkwardly at the same time:

"Nah… Not at all…"

"Just friends here."

"Are you two sleeping together again? Because I don't believe that for a minute." Alice said knowing something was amiss.

"Oh boy… Are we really going down this path again?" Emmett asked annoyed.

"In all honesty, we only want to mend our friendship." I said calming them down.

"Great then. So then you two are bringing dates." Alice said making notes. "And Bella… You are bringing a _real_ date, not Patrick, he is already invited and will be bringing his own plus one, instead of acting as your security blanket."

"I'm really regretting letting you have that unholy pact with Satan now." I said in return.

"I'm there with you… They call each other all the time." Jasper complained.

"Didn't you go out with someone recently?" Asked Rosalie

"Yeah… What was his name? Niles?" Alice asked.

I felt Edward's hand digging his fingers on my thigh. He was desperately trying to keep his cool. I knew I'd have a bruise by the end of the night.

"Ah… Neil… But no, I don't think he ever wants to see me again."

"Your natural charm little sis?" Asked Emmett. I widened my eyes at him.

"We'll find you someone else if you don't" Alice proposed. Edward fingers were really digging through the thin layer of my pants now.

"Are you okay Edward? You seem a little tense." Rose asked him.

"Well… You are setting up my ex-girlfriend. I'm not going to be jumping up and down."

"Okay… I'll do my best at finding someone." I said before we ended up discussing our relationship further more.

"I don't want your best, I want a real heterosexual man escorting you." Alice ordered me.

"Are you going to ask for Edward to do the same?" I asked her.

"He'd be fabulous with a real heterosexual man escorting him." Jasper offered.

"You are _wicked_." I said grinning.

"Wait, I just remembered something. Are you seeing someone Bella? Because you just got an IUD and unless…" Alice said remembering the personal –emphasis on_personal_– favor I had asked her for that she kindly had left to Edward.

"Jeez… Please share with everyone on the table the status of my sexual life, why don't you? And by the way… You were supposed to pick me up, and instead, you sent… My ex! You're some friend you know?"

"I'm sorry about it sweetie… But I had a ton of things to do… But who's the lucky guy anyways?"

"How is this conversation better than the date one? Are you oblivious Alice?" Edward asked her.

"Alice, I don't want to hear about my little sister's sexual life either." Emmett agreed.

"Alice… There's no one okay?" I tried to defuse the conversation. "It's just precaution."

Ignoring us all Alice said: "So you are planning to then." 

"When I decide to… let's say… take advantage of my new device, believe me I won't be telling any of you morons!" I yelled and pried Edward's fingers off my sore leg.

"Okay fine, on to the next item in the docket.. Alice continued.

"Dude, are you sure about marrying her?" I asked Jasper making him laugh and prompting Alice to shoot me a death glare.

"We need to talk about tasks all of you will have to perform at the wedding. Rose and Bella you are co-maids of honor, so you'll have to choose who does what."

"Why don't we leave everything that is nice and graceful to Rose?" I proposed.

"Bella can do the speech." Rose added.

"Bella could do all the speeches." Emmett said.

"And the vows." Jasper chimed in.

"Do you really want to quote classic rock lyrics as your vows? Because that is what I'll end up doing. How's _Sympathy for the devil_?" I asked them.

"They strike me more of Carpenters' kind of people." Edward commented

"You're right." I agreed with him.

"Whatever. Just take care of your speech." Alice said frustrated.

"Will do. But I'm not doing the best man speech." I warned her.

"I will take care of that one." Edward informed us.

"Okay, so next item is for the ladies. We still have to find you guys a dress."

"What happened to the one I suggested?" Edward asked.

"Didn't work at all, you impress us with the confidence of the speech but you missed." Rose told Edward.

"No worries. To be honest it was the first thing I saw, I was just trying to make a great entrance."

"You are wicked." Rose told him.

"Anyways, so for the sake of fashion: none of us is allowed to get pregnant." Alice ordered the two of us, but all five sets of eyes were on me.

"Hey! How come you mean everyone but everyone looks at me?"

"If the shoe fits…" Jasper said.

"We already discussed how I have taken precautions… I swear… One makes one little mistake… And anyways… Edward got me pregnant, why aren't you all looking at him. This is _so_ sexist." I ranted annoyed.

"Okay… Edward… You cannot impregnate anyone." Alice ordered him.

"Fine… I don't plan to impregnate anyone before your wedding Alice. It's not like it's a possibility." Edward said and his implications were not lost on me.

"Dry spell?" Jasper asked.

"Arid." He replied.

"Are we done with wedding stuff?" I asked tired.

"For tonight and until next meeting." Alice finally said.

"Great… So what about you guys, are we having another wedding coming?" I said shifting the attention to Rose and Emmett.

"Ah… well…" Rose was looking very self-conscious. 

"I know… I should make my move before Rose comes to her senses." Emmett said.

"Don't worry bro, if four years at an all-girl Ivy League school weren't able to make her switch teams, you are pretty much golden." I said.

"And I'm sure those girls were sure easier on the eyes that you." Edward added.

"Make fun Edward. But you, unlike me, are sure not getting any tonight." Emmett said delivering the last shot. 

Bull's eye.

* * *

In the car driving back to my place I vigorously rubbed the tender flesh of my inner thigh.

"You certainly gave me a bruise back there Cullen." I said.

"I'm sorry. I had to hold on to something. Aren't you proud of me though?"

"You were a good boy, but my thigh is sore. Next time hold yourself."

"I can kiss it better." He offered giving me a malicious look.

"Wouldn't you like that?" I answered rising on eyebrow.

"No, Swan, _you_ would definitely like that." He said without peeling his eyes from the road.

"Tempting offer but I'll pass."

"Your loss… And mine." He finalized.

Soon after we had arrived to my building and once again the uncomfortable business of saying our goodbyes came. We sat there in silence for a bit, until he turned to face me and fixated on something on my face.

"Hey… Come here you have something on your face." He said all serious. 

I approached him to have him get rid of it.

Instead… He kissed me.

"There I got it." He said grinning.

I smiled and got out.

"Are you sure you don't want me to walk you in?" He yelled through the window.

"I'll be safer if you don't." I replied.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Okay. Just about now I'm starting to wonder why I started writing this in the first place, but I need to thank you all for investing your time into it. **_

_**It has been very rewarding to read your reviews and your comments to improve my writing. I'll try to respond to all of your questions and comments tonight.**_

_**I have been enhancing my musical knowledge with your suggestions. I got three more and I enjoyed them. Here they are:**_

"_**Great Companion" by Landon Pigg from germanengineering**_

_**"Unusual Way" from the musical "Nine" from Jennacide**_

"_**Gravity" by Sara Bareilles from Brie.3200**_

_**Thank you all.**_

_**And so on to the next one…**_

* * *

The sound of the key turning at the door no longer startled me; for I knew the person at the other side of the door was not an intruder.

Technically, the intruder was I.

"Hey…" Edward said slightly surprised to find me sitting at his couch enjoying the pleasures of his cable programming.

"Do you live here now? Did I miss something? Because if you do, I think I should be getting some sort of perk out of this arrangement." He said as he put his stuff down and took his jacket off.

"You do. I made you dinner. And may I remind you it was you who gave me the key?" I responded without looking away from the screen.

"You are no fun." He said as he collapsed on the couch and got pulled me to rest on his chest.

"That's not what you used to say." I said playing the game.

"My point exactly." He said with a quick kiss to the top of my head.

"Sorry. It's your fault: your TV is great and you get paid channels I cannot afford." I informed him.

"And all this time I thought it was my hot body." He complained.

"Added bonus."

Looking at the screen and letting out a sigh he added:

"I'm exhausted."

"Really dude? Drawing all day can get you exhausted?" I said rising my head up to look at him. "I thought you had more stamina." To be perfectly honest I was tired enough to let the comment go without the accompanying intonation and body language to qualify it as flirting.

"You are the one to talk. Checking grammar exhausts you?" He had perceived my own tiredness.

"You have no idea… Those pesky adverbs… And don't even get me started on homophone confusion." I told him.

"Yeah…your job is… boring." I guess he was even tired enough to give up trying to find a more creative insult.

"Shut up. I made you dinner. When are you building me my house?" I demanded.

"I've already told you woman… I'm not a builder." He replied with a serious look.

"You are _so_ not fun."

"You'll get your house when you live in it with me." He finally said.

"Not going that route with you again." I teased closing my eyes.

"Who said it would be like before? I envision a bright future, you just got to stick with me kid."

"So far the future you have forecasted apparently includes me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen." I said reminding him of his promises.

"Oh, but what a kitchen it will be: gourmet, rustic wooden beams on the ceiling, granite counter tops, dark hardwood floor under your very swollen feet, stainless steel appliances…"

"Sub-zero fridge?" I asked lifting my head from his chest.

"_And_ double convection ovens mounted on the wall." He said sweetening the pot.

"You know how to charm a girl don't you?" I smiled at him.

"I do my best. Let's go see what you made, and if it is as delicious as you look I might throw in a restaurant-grade stove top."

"Are you trying to get into my pants?" I asked getting myself to my feet and walking towards the kitchen.

"Were you doubting that at any point?" He hit it back at me.

"Funny."

"Pathetic actually… Let's eat."

We ate making jokes and decided to watch a movie afterwards.

He had not been lying when he said he was exhausted because he fell asleep pretty soon. When the phone rang I went to get it, trying not to disturb him.

"Hello?"

"Bella?" The voice on the other side greeted.

"Esme?" I said smiling as I recognized her voice.

"Hi honey! It's great to hear you. I have been calling you at home but haven't been able to reach you. I guess you have been spending some time with Edward."

"Ah yeah… Mooching off your son, he's got cable. Why didn't you call me on my cell phone?"

"I figured that if you weren't at home you wouldn't have time for a long chat anyways. So how have you been kiddo? We haven't talked in ages."

There was something about Esme that always made me feel clam and reassured. I thought that maybe that was the effect of unconditional love.

"Oh I'm doing great… Excited about being an editorial assistant. I'm not completely at the bottom of the food chain anymore, just a little above." I informed her.

"That is great, I'm so looking forward to seeing you." I could hear her delight on the other side of the line.

"Well, you will soon." I said remembering about the wedding.

"I know. We received Alice's invitation, Dad says I'm driving him crazy with how excited I am to have all my kids back at the same time."

"I know… I'm sorry if I have disturb things in the past." I said reading too much into her words.

"Nonsense. Life's messy. I'm just glad you are coming. Did you do what you needed to do?"

"I don't know… I guess I've come to few realizations in all this time, and I want to believe I have grown a little… Maybe even matured. But I think it's time to go… I… I think it's time for me to go see mom and dad."

"I'm happy for you kid." She told me.

"I'm still nervous… But I feel like I'm ready." I confessed.

"We are both very proud of you. Of all of you kids."

"So, speaking of your other kids, would you like me to put Edward on? I can wake him up." I asked her.

"Don't worry honey, let him sleep. Just let him know I called."

"Will do." I promised.

"Love you."

"Love you too." I said before hanging up.

I walked back to the couch and kneeled next to the couch.

"Cullen… Go sleep on your bed or you'll be sore tomorrow."

"Only if you stay." He said opening his eyes. "I promise to be good." He said with a smile.

"Okay, but you're driving me to my place first thing in the morning. I won't go to work on the same clothes from today." I told him.

"I told you, you should keep some stuff here." He said getting to his feet.

"No… That is a slippery slope."

"Suit yourself. Let's go." He said pulling me towards the bedroom.

* * *

I was surprised when I heard Emmett's voice on my cell phone, since he only called me sporadically. Instead I would hear from him through e-mail or he would say hi while I was on the phone with Rose. I didn't read too much into it when he asked me to meet him for coffee after work, I just assumed he needed some sort of advice, female advice, that he couldn't get from Rosalie.

I saw more trips to fancy boutiques with puffy taffeta dresses in my future.

"So what do I owe the pleasure to spend time with my big brother?" I asked him when I reached the table where we awaited me.

"Can't a guy catch up with his little sis?" He said getting up and embracing me.

"Oh my God… You are proposing to Rose. Right?" I said sitting down and unable to hide my enthusiasm.

"Ah… Eventually, but no, that is not the reason for asking you out for coffee. I really wanted to spend a little more time with you, hear how your work is been doing. What are you up to?"

"Why do I get the feeling this is anything but spontaneous?" I asked reading through his bluff.

"I'm just worried about you… I wanted to check that you were doing well. You know I love you and care about you." This sounded like the beginning of a big pile of crap.

"Spill the beans Em." I ordered.

"Let's order some coffee first. What do you want?"

"Nonfat cappuccino." I said emotionless.

"Excuse me miss…" He said getting the attention of the waitress. "Can we get a nonfat cappuccino and a black coffee?"

"Right away sir." She responded and heading towards the kitchen.

"Coffee is ordered. Now speak." I reminded him.

"Ah… Okay… Here it goes… I'm worried." He said gathering all his courage to look at me in the eye.

"About?" I asked fidgeting with the little sweetener packages.

"You and Edward."

That got my attention.

"What about us?" I asked putting my defenses on.

"You've been too close lately… You practically live in his place."

"And how would you know this?" I asked daring him.

"I spoke with mom and she mentioned that she has tried to call you at your place and you are not around… And then she finds you at Edward's."

"First of all. It only happened once. And second, we are friends, we spend time together, I don't think I see your concern." I answered.

"I don't think you are just spending time together."

"What are you implying?" I asked bothered by his words.

"I'm not implying. I think you are sleeping together." He finally putting his cards down on the table.

"Emmett…" I breathed deeply trying to control my emotions. "You are getting out of line. It's none of your business what we do or don't."

"I'm worried. I don't want you to make a mistake."

"You as in only me? Like I have in the past?" I asked starting to lose it.

"You were not around to see what happened." He said looking down.

"And what is it that happened? Enlighten me Emmett." I commanded.

"He was lost. He was numb."

"And how do you think I was? Are you telling me to stay away from him?" I was close to yelling now with how offended I felt, but the sight of the waitress with our order calmed me down.

"Here is your cappuccino… And your black coffee… Anything else?" Our waitress asked unaware of the argument we were having.

"No… We're all set, thank you…" Emmett said dismissing her.

"I'm telling you I'm worried because I care about both of you." He continued when she went away.

"Right now it sounds like you are trying to save him from the plague."

"I'm worried about the two of you, not only him." He said taking a sip of his coffee.

"So this is only you talking or this is coming from a united front?"

"We have all noticed you too getting closer." He informed me.

"What now? Are you having get-togethers to discuss our private lives?" I asked shocked with that idea.

"Of course we don't. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone else Bella. And I'm just here because I love you."

"How come this feels like anything but love?" I asked bitterly.

"Believe what you will, but I think you are making a mistake."

"Listen. I don't have to tell you anything about my life, but for your information. There is nothing going on. I am truly trying to save what he had, trying to be his friend."

"You two are acting like you were when you were sneaking around. I'm not blind, I notice."

"You missed it last time."

"Well, I get the perspective now." He said feeding my building rage.

"And now you are our keeper?"

"You two are not the only ones that suffered. We all had to live through the aftermath."

"You have to be frigging kidding me. My relationship died. It didn't work with the person I had been living with and whom I considered the love of my life, not to mention that it meant losing my best friend. And you are worried about how that affects _you_?" I asked fully enraged now.

"You two have never been like the regular boyfriend and girlfriend. It did affect more than the two of you, your friends, and more than that: your family. Do I have to remind you how it was strained? You stopped coming home, mom and dad were worried about you. I had to see my family practically disintegrate."

"Stop exaggerating Em, you sound like a whiny drama queen."

He gave me a daring chuckle and said:

"You can use that tongue of yours all you want but he's not the only one immune to it. I grew up with you too, remember? And you very well know that the two of you lose perspective when you are together."

"I'm sorry not all of us can be so mature like you Emmett." I said sitting back and crossing my arms.

"Real mature Bella… Sulk all your want. You know I'm right."

"Don't you pretend to know anything about my life!" I said almost choking on the bitterness in my throat.

"I used to… When you used to act like my sister. But you two broke up and you forgot we are your family." I could detect anger in his voice as well.

"So it all comes down to how I fucked up. How I damaged this family."

"It was the two of you." He said unapologetically.

"How come are you talking to _me_ then? Are you planning to tell this to him?" I asked guessing there was a reason for me being the chosen one.

"No. I'm talking to you because I care about you. And I know you are the one who could do something about it."

"I'm the cold one, right? Afraid of what he'd say to you? Or do to you? You amaze me Emmett… All this time I've been nothing but a sister to you… And now I'm not good enough for your brother?" I asked truly hurt.

"You are twisting everything… Of course I want you to make it. But you don't do things right."

"You have no idea of what you are talking about Em, so shut up." I warned him.

"Just stay out of his bed. You have gone down that road before and it ended badly."

"Again, you have no fucking idea of what you are talking about!" I no longer cared if anyone heard.

"Well, I sincerely hope you take my advice." He said putting his cup down and leaning back.

"Oh, your words sincerely are going to affect what I do about Edward, don't you worry." I said getting up and leaving him alone.

I walked outside fuming, the nerve of my brother dumbfounding me.

The only thing in my mind right then was how much Emmett's words bothered me. Who did he think he was telling me what to do? I was the one in charge of my life.

I now had an imperative to regain my autonomy.

My feet didn't need to be told where to go and I couldn't afford a minute to ponder on what had been said or on what I had every intention of doing.

Soon enough I was letting myself into Edward's apartment.

I was a woman on a mission.

"Hey… how was your day?" I heard his voice from his office.

He was sitting at his drawing desk and he had pushed himself to the side when he heard me coming. I came me in with all the intention of spiting Emmett.

I took the pencil from his hand and I straddled him.

"Hello." He said amused at my closeness, still unaware of the state of my mind.

I didn't say a word and went for his lips without asking for permission, I was sure he was able to feel my vehemence. My hope was that I could cloud his mind enough so he wouldn't question my motivation.

My hands had been busy while my mouth was doing its task, and my fingers were flying from button to button undoing them.

Edward seemed to be overcoming his initial surprise at my change of heart since we were devouring each other with all the pent up desire of the past few days.

My shirt was open and he got up from his chair carrying me, my arms around his neck holding on to dear life as my legs snaked around his hips.

We stumbled out of the room and crossed the hallway to the bedroom, moving and rubbing against each other.

He set me down against the soft mattress and for the first time since I had attacked him we looked at each other, my chest moving heavily. I was almost sure I could see my own concupiscence through his eyes. And so he slid his hands down my sides to set them at my hips getting hold of my pants and sliding them off.

Coming back up he let his hands linger on my skin kissing me gently on the lips. He was taking his time and it was driving me insane. I needed to lose the ability to think.

His hands found the front clasp of my black cotton bra and undid it, setting me free, letting his hands and lips explore the tender flesh.

I caressed his back under the loose shirt and got my lips to his ear, I nibbled on it for a second and without a second thought I sighed on it. "Fuck me."

I felt my words affect him against my thigh but with a low growl his movement abruptly ceased.

"God Swan… We have to stop." He said against my skin.

"Seriously, you want to stop now? You've been talking about this all the time." I said frustrated.

"What got into you?"

"I was hoping you would." I said, yearning still nesting in my words.

"Shit Swan!" He said looking at me, but his body still on top on mine.

"I'm not completely sure but I think guys are supposed to find this flattering." I said biting my lower lip, trying with all my strength to rekindle his desire.

"This is not the time for sarcasm." He said shooting down my hopes.

"I thought you liked _that_."

"I can't do this." He said in defeat.

"Don't do this to me… Don't leave me like this…" Ardor turned into urgency by now.

"You know we have to." He said.

"Not again… please… Look at me… I'm vulnerable and exposed… I'm ready for you… Please…" I was pleading unashamed.

"There is nothing I want more… But no matter if I leave or if I stay… I'll be making a mistake anyway… I'm just choosing the least heartache." He said, his eyes asking for help.

"Don't…" I said trying to stop him with my legs tightly wrapped around him.

"God… I need to… Let me go." He said trying to set himself free as he grabbed my foot and set it aside.

"But I want you… Look at me… I want you."

"Bella…" He said burying his head on my chest, kissing lightly under my left breast and holding me tight against him for a second, and then letting go. "You are going to have to give me major brownie points for this Swan." And he got up and walked away from me.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Cold shower… And when I get out you better be dressed." He said without looking back at me.

I laid there for a few minutes hearing the water running. I felt hurt and exposed, but still angered. I redress myself in silence trying to figure out what to do next.

One thing I knew for sure: I didn't want to face him when he came out of the shower, so I had very little time to get myself together if I was to be able to escape.

I was almost at the door.

"Where do you think you are going?" He asked from behind me.

"Just let me go." I said unable to look back.

"What happened?" He inquired walking towards me.

"Emmett told me to stay away from your bed." I confessed turning to face him, but keeping my eyes on the floor.

"And that doesn't sound wrong to you?" He asked looking upset.

"I was just incredibly pissed at him for telling me what I should do or not."

"I'm going to punch him in the face." He said putting his arms around me.

"For almost getting you laid? That sounds a bit harsh." I said making a lame joke.

"Let's try to figure this out." He said holding me tight.

And so I gave in, letting him lead.


	12. Chapter 12

_**I'm sorry if I made you think that I'm not going to finish this story. Do not worry, I will. I wouldn't leave it unfinished.**_

_**I guess I started wondering why I was writing it in the first place because it has gone so far away from Twilight that you start wondering what were you thinking, or what the purpose of it was. Anyways, it has been an awesome writing exercise and I think I will probably try writing something completely original in FP. **_

_**The one thing I know for sure is that thanks to this fan fiction I got to meet great people here that had graciously given me pointers and advice to get better. **_

_**I already have an idea for an original story, though I don't know if you will be interested since I'm thinking about something quite dark and completely different (yes, I see these stories here as light. I'm that dark and twisty **__****__** ) Though you can expect sarcasm, since that pretty much comes with me. **_

_**Happy Easter!**_

_**Caracol "the sadist" (Thank you **_**Blush at Twilight**

_**Musical recommendation**_

"_**Best of me" by The starting line from i.wuz.here.today.**_

_**for EPOV, I agree some of the lines are perfect, thanks!**_

* * *

After my attempted escape Edward brought us to the armchair in the living room and placed me on his lap with my head resting on his chest, and the he had me detail my encounter with our brother.

"Emmett is such a dumb fuck." He finally said.

"Don't talk about him like that. He's our brother and we love him." I reminded him.

"Do you feel like you love him right now?" He asked playing with my hair.

"I love him but I want to punch him in the face."

"I think that was my original idea."

"But you won't. I'm not going to be the one driving a wedge between you two. You are brothers." I said referencing their bond.

"And last I heard you are his sister, but that didn't stop him. I can't believe he went to talk to you. Why didn't he talk to me? He knew I'd punch him."

"I don't think he'd be afraid of confronting you." I said thinking of Emmett's size.

"Worse. He thinks that you are the one wearing the pants around here." He said annoyed.

"Seriously? Are you going to turn this into a threat to your masculinity?" Now I was pulling myself up by supporting my body with my hands on his chest.

"No. I am worried about what this is going to do to our relationship." He said looking into my eyes.

"Well it almost made it very satisfying, but you shot that down." I said giving him my most charming smile.

"You very well know that it had to be done." He said pushing the hair on my face behind my ears.

"Or not done, if I recall correctly… Hmm… "I said closing my eyes and doing a quick recon of my sensations. "Yeah… My sexual frustration points to that."

"Contrary to what you may think… It wasn't a walk in the park for me." He said smiling.

"Fine… What do we do now?" I asked.

"I don't know… let this cool off… For what matters… I don't think anything has changed. If anything, I'm proud of us."

"You mean you are proud of _you_. I was all for cheapening our relationship." I admitted.

"That doesn't sound as negative as you may want it to be." He commented amused by my predicament.

"Sure… make fun of me. I'm the immature one."

"You know it's not true. If I recall correctly, about a month ago I was the one making an ass of myself." He said.

"Great so I made an ass of myself now."

"You didn't. I've seen you at your best and at your worst. And believe me, you aroused and barely dressed… not really your worst."

"So you don't hold against me that my idea of spiting Emmett was trying to seduce you?" I asked intrigued.

"As long as it is me you run to when you are this upset… Or excited… I can't complain." He admitted.

"I don't really think that cuddling in your armchair is approved friendly behavior." I said resting my head down again.

"Well Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

"Nope. Trying to jump you kind of changed everything." I said.

"Don't forget the great time we had a month ago. Anyways. I think we're sort of in limbo. And do you know what the best thing about limbo is?"

"That is _super_ fun to play if you are drunk?" I said in my charming usual tone.

"No. Well that is the second best thing. It is that limbo is a temporary stage."

"I think you are thinking about purgatory. Limbo, I believe, is permanent." I corrected him.

"Whatever. Do you want me to make a point here or discuss theology?"

"Sorry about that. So, we are in a temporary stage?" I asked getting back to the point he was making.

"Yes, we are."

"So what is it that we are heading to?" I asked truly piqued by his ideas.

"Ah… Haven't you heard that the journey is more important than the destination?" He said lifting his eyebrows.

"Are you still making a point about us or you're just rambling for the sake of rambling?"

"In all seriousness… I think we are having the normal progression of a relationship that we never had."

"You mean the awkward start of dating that we should have had instead of me giving it up so easily?" I asked him.

"Hey, good times." He said chuckling and making my head bounce with the movement of his chest.

"Do you remember our first time?" I asked thinking about it.

"It was…"

"…awkward." I completed.

"It certainly was… But odd as it was I treasure that memory."

"Do you?" I asked moving up so my head would be nestled in between his head and shoulder.

"I like being your man." He sighed against my cheek.

"Is that what you are?" I teased him.

"I like to think I am…"

"You are…" I reassured him.

"You are worth fighting for."

"But you are not going to fight Em." I said remembering my concerns.

"That is not what I meant." He said tilting my head up, so our noses were almost touching.

"I'm going home. But I'm telling you something Cullen… I won't take a 'no' next time. I don't think I'm even going to put myself out there anymore." I warned.

"I promise you I won't say no. Come here."

I didn't question his command and just kissed him.

"Do you want me any less because I didn't take you?" He asked.

"Oddly enough… I think it takes a fine man to do that. I think it makes me want you even more." I upped the ante.

"Playing hard to get sure works." He added with a grin.

"I wouldn't know about it. I think you've had me every time." I admitted.

"Yeah… Thank you for that again."

"What are we going to do about Emmett?"

"Is the punch on the face out of the question?" He asked.

"I think it should be. I promised Esme that we were all going to be a happy family again."

"I need to talk to him though, I still think that it was shitty that he came to you instead of me."

"Would the outcome have been any different if he had come to you?"

"He would have been punched in the face… or I would have been the one turned down for sex."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" I said guessing that the answer was a yes.

"Anything for my girlfriend."

"Is that what I am now?"

"I think it's time to cut the crap and stop kidding ourselves." He replied.

"But we're doing it right this time right?"

"We are." He answered me. "Come on, let's get you home."

"You're never letting me walk home are you?"

"I've already explained myself on that, so stop asking nonsense."

"Yes sir." I said getting up and saluting.

* * *

I came into Patrick's office early next morning for our scheduled one on one meeting. I had gotten used to the unorthodox methods of my good friend for managing his group, so I didn't find it odd when these times ended up being more of social moments that included work instead of work meetings with one or two allusions to our private lives.

"Good morning love" He greeted me as I came in and sat down in on of the chairs in front of his desk, setting a stack of papers on top of it.

"Top of the morning to you Patrick." I responded with the fakest British accent I managed to pull.

"I find that offensive you know?" He said glaring.

"Really? This you find offensive? And I'm supposed to consider you saying that I need, and I quote, 'a good shag' as a pleasantry?"

"I was just stating the obvious. But we both know you took care of that. But wait… You may be trying hard to be your usual mordacious and dark self but something is different…"

"I don't know what you are talking about you _pom_."

"Australian derogatory names? You've really been doing your research online. What got into you that you are chirper than usual, and by that I mean where did the black thundering cloud that follows you around go?"

"I don't know… Things just look a little rosier today, and by that I mean less crappy." I answered with a commercial fake smile.

"The scarcely clad ex made a comeback?" He said with a wicked smile.

"That is none of your business Pat." I said looking at the papers I had brought with me. "So about the assignment you gave me…"

"Touchy subject… Well, my business includes knowing that my little minions are happy."

"I am quite happy as a matter of fact." I said smiling unwilling to give anything up.

"Any more energy releases lately?" He said leaning over his desk on his forearms.

"I'm pretty sure that this kind of conversation is against company policy." I said looking back at the papers and scribbling down some things.

"I was born in another continent so those things don't affect me the same."

"Convenient. Are you going to play the gay card next? And no… I haven't been releasing anything."

"So what are you doing tonight? Want to come to a bar with good old Patrick?"

"Contrary to popular belief, gay bars, not so much fun for the hag. I'm actually going out with Elyse and Jack." I informed him.

"Are you third wheeling with pincushion and the suit?" He asked looking at the papers I was passing to him.

"She lost the eyebrow ring… And no… I won't be third wheeling."

"The plot thickens! Something I don't know sweetheart?" He said guessing the answer but enjoying too much grilling me.

"No… Edward is coming along." I said knowing I was walking into a trap.

"Has he asked you to go steady yet?" He was mocking me now.

"Grow up Patrick. We're going as friends."

"And I get the hots for the girls." He said in response.

I gave him an annoyed look.

"Okay. Let's get to work then, if you are going to be this charming."

I felt something vibrating on my pocket.

"Hold on one sec Pat, I think I need to take this one" I said as I noticed Rosalie's name flashing on the screen.

"Okay love, but you should be aware that I am your boss."

"You should try acting like one then." I said going out to the copy room to take the call that I wasn't completely sure I wanted to take.

* * *

The call had been rather quick. Rose told me that she had heard from my dear brother what had transpired, and she wanted to meet for lunch, to undo the damage that Emmett had caused. I agreed to meet her in a little diner that was midway from her work and mine.

"Rose. Doing Em's damage control I see. Good thing you are in PR." I said sitting across the booth.

"Glad to see you sweetie. You can see how it was a good career choice given how prone your brother is to opening his mouth and letting the foot in."

"And he doesn't stop… He's your regular bulldozer." I joked.

"And with the same grace. But you know he means well." I could detect intention to spin the situation.

"How do they call that, 'the asshole with a heart of gold'?" I joked again, but for the lack of laughing on her part, I sensed bashing Emmett wasn't going to work with his girlfriend.

"He was out of line telling you what to do Bella, I agree with you on that but…"

"Are you going to defend him?" I asked unable to hide I was upset.

"I do not condone what he did, but I can see why he did it." She said.

"Are you siding with him now?" I asked.

"No. What he said is not what I believe, but when it comes to whom I support, you don't seriously expect it not to be the man I love, right? You of all people should understand that." Rose was brutally honest and I loved her for that, even if I didn't like it this particular day.

"I don't want to put you against him, but I cannot believe the nerve he had." I said.

"I understand that he did what he did out of love, no matter how idiotic his idea was."

"That sure wasn't love." I said bitterly.

"That is where you are wrong Bella. Don't you remember that he was willing to fight his own brother to protect you?" She said making me remember his chivalrous attitude towards my 'honor'.

"I do… But he's messing up something that is already messy. And all I have seriously been trying to do is find a way to heal." I told her being completely honest.

"I understand. What did Edward say when he found out?"

"He wanted to punch him on the face. But don't worry his good looks are secured. I convinced him to give it time. It took a lot of work from my part."

Rosalie lifted a brow.

"Not that kind of work, get your mind out of the gutter please… The funny thing was… If you want to see it as funny instead of pathetic… That Emmett almost accomplished the opposite of what he intended… I tried to jump Edward to prove he couldn't control me."

"That was what I told him he probably accomplished." She admitted.

"But you can tell Em to rest assured, since it was the one opportunity he took to turn me down. My self-esteem is just _so_ damn high right now." I said opening my eyes wide and giving my self-deprecating smile.

"I'm honestly sorry about it honey. So… What is going on with you two now?"

"Are you working with my brother on this? Are you the good cop?" I asked her.

"No. But I'm really hoping that things are working out for you guys."

"I think they are… We are taking everything very very slowly. Actually Emmett couldn't have been more wrong."

"That sounds like Emmett. So what now? Are we supposed to stop them from kicking each other's ass now?" Rosalie asked.

"Well, I've been trying to stop Edward from wanting to punch Emmett in the face, but I think there is no way around it. There needs to be a confrontation, and we need to resolve this because Esme is expecting all her kids to come back home happy and merry for the wedding. After all this time of not everybody coming at the same time, I don't think we can do this to her."

"I'm all for the three of you settling things, but I won't send him in to be bashed." She warned me. I may have been mad at my brother, but I was surely glad my friend was willing to fight me for his sake.

"Have you seen the size of your man?" I asked amused.

"Ah, yeah… But I know that you and Edward are wittier, and I don't look forward you two crushing his spirit."

"We won't crush him. We love him. But he really got close to making it very bad for us… Out of love… I can accept it now. And I don't look forward to have Edward and him fight either"

"So what do you suggest?" She asked.

"Well, I think we have to give them a little time before trying to force them to see each other. I promise you though, that I won't let Edward go confront him."

"Well, that sounds like a good idea. Let's order some food now, I'm really hungry, and let's talk about something more positive."

"Bash Alice?" I asked signaling for the waitress to come.

"Isn't she going crazy with the preparations?" She asked happy to focus on someone else's flaws instead.

qqqq

Later that night I met up with Edward at a low-key bar.

"Hey." I said as he got up and kissed me lightly on the lips.

"What are you doing?" I asked unable to hide my amusement.

"I'm chastely kissing you. You know what? I'm starting to think that we missed something by skipping the whole awkward dating stage." He informed me.

"By awkwardly jumping in the sack?" I asked in response.

"Yeah…"

"So I had a lovely lunch with Rose today"

"How's the lover of the scum of the Earth, formerly known as my brother, doing?"

"Come on… It's not that bad… And she is well, she apologized on behalf of Em and reassured me that even though misguided and exaggerated, our dear brother only worries about us." I summarized for him.

"So what did you say about us?"

"Nothing in particular, just that we are trying to heal our relationship."

"I think we have to stop worrying about what they think." He said.

"Are you ready to come out?"

"I'm not going to discuss our private matters with anyone else, I think that is one mistake I'm not willing to repeat. But let everyone think whatever they want to, I'm not ashamed of anything." He said caressing my cheek.

"Are you willing to put that theory to the test at Alice's next debriefing?"

"Is that the orchestrated 'let's teach Emmett a lesson' event?" He asked.

"Better sooner than never." I said taking a sip from his beer.

"So when is this thing?"

"Week and a half." I replied.

"Hey guys." Elyse's voice got us to turn around and forget our family issues.

"Hey Elyse.… Jack. It's been a while." I said shaking his hand.

"Still making wrong assumptions?" He asked me in response.

"All the time…" I replied.

"Ed, my man. It's only been like a couple of hours." He said patting Edward's back.

"Jack… Elyse, you look lovely."

"Glad to see you wearing more clothes." Elyse made fun of him.

"You know her" He said pointing at me "she loves having me show skin." Edward responded without missing a beat.

"Shut it Cullen, or I'll start revealing your secrets, and they won't be related at all about sex. I have years of material." I said glaring at him.

"You won't reveal the sex ones because I always come up wining in those ones." He said teasing me.

"Are they like this all the time?" Jack asked his girlfriend.

"As far as I know." She replied.

"That explains that whole mating dance they did the night I met you." Jack commented.

"Hey, you got her digits because of our thing." I reminded him.

"Okay, let's go get some food, I'm starving." Elyse proposed.

We were surely in uncharted waters now.

* * *

_**Lots of dialogue today and not much action. But there was a lot more fluff and less conflict. I thought you all deserved it **__****_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Got another musical recommendation for you:**_

"_**Here I stand" and "Adalia" by Madina Lake from fang-is-mysterious**_

_**I have been in a little bit of a funk, I think it's because I started to see the end near. I am aiming for 20 chapters though, so you don't have to panic just yet (that sounded way too cocky of me though). My thing is that I don't want this to become too blah. So as long as I have conflict and excitement I will continue to write. **_

_**Right now though, coming back to my present funk, I'd love to read your comments, thoughts, etc. I tend to respond to questions and specific comments, I love when you guys make me think and get my mind spinning fast, that's what makes me keep writing and updating at this insane speed (and just for you to know I've been kind of in a sabbatical, so I've had the free time, though it seems like my time off is coming to an end.)**_

_**Enough rambling.**_

_**Caracol**_

* * *

Relationships and their progression tend to get to a point where you start experiencing an eerie sense of déjà vu. Repeated offenses even more than just new relationships that seem to repeat a known cycle. It is the safety and familiarity that comfort us, but then, in the back of our minds an idea starts creeping in: are we in the same loop that eventually will take us to an inevitable end?

But then again, finding yourself back in the same known territory: the arms that once held you filling your mind with hopes and dreams, also seems to take so much fear away. There is no need to repeat the same love baggage recollection, since he had been there. No jealousy over past kisses and tender caresses, because he got them all.

You are same people and yet completely different.

What a cliché.

But it works.

The journey is one of recognizance and new discovery.

And we were still on that journey.

Friends, in the other hand, react a lot different on second attempts… and even worse on subsequent ones.

You see… they get an external, sometimes objective and sometimes partial, view of the demise of a relationship, and therefore not always they are the ones cheering for a reunion.

They remain skeptical in a land of believers.

qqqq

"Are you ready to do this?" Edward asked me just outside of Alice and Jasper's place.

My confidence over facing everybody was nowhere to be found.

"Why do I feel we're about to walk into enemy lines?"

"Come on, they are our friends." He responded.

"That's exactly what worries me." I explained as the door opened.

"Hey guys." Alice greeted us with a smile but slightly uncomfortable at the sight of our linked hands.

"Alice." Edward said giving her a light hug.

"How are you doing?" I asked making small talk.

"I'm doing well. Come in."

"Jasper." I said coming in and seeing him sitting at the couch.

"Good to see you guys." He said getting up.

"Are Rose and Em here?" Edward asked.

"In the kitchen" Jasper informed us.

Edward led me to the kitchen still holding my hand and the tension was palpable when Emmett and Rosalie saw us come in, our brother even taking a defensive posture.

"Hey guys. I think I'm going to go with Alice and Jasper so you three can talk." Rosalie said well aware of what needed to be done.

"Thank you Rose." I said honestly grateful for her tact.

I sat on the counter while Edward stood close to me facing Emmet, who was standing by the fridge.

"You guys want a beer?" He asked as he put down his and opened the fridge to retrieve two more.

"Sure." Edward answered.

"Tension and alcohol. This sure is going to be good." I joked rolling my eyes.

"You're unable to pass on the humor, aren't you?" Emmett said only half amused.

"Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear…" I sang the old tune self-mocking.

Emmett handed us a couple of beers and Edward opened mine. We all remained silent for a while taking sips, since waiting was apparently the name of the game.

"Are we really going to pretend nothing happened?" Edward was the first to crack.

"Well…" Emmett said with a sip of his beer, looking at me and ignoring him instead. "It seems like you ignored my advice so I'd say you already started pretending."

Edward went forward visibly upset.

"Don't speak to her like that."

"I'm speaking to my sister, not your girlfriend, so butt out."

Their feathers were ruffling.

"Apparently you like keeping me out of it, it's becoming a trend Emmet. And could you please not talk to her in that tone?"

"I don't need you to defend me Edward." I said upset at the implication that I was defenseless.

"You're going to take it on me now?" He asked in disbelief looking at me.

"I am if you are going to turn me into your damsel in distress you bet your ass I will."

"And you two just made my point." Emmett said shaking his head.

"Shut up Em!" We both yelled in unison.

"Why did you have to talk to her instead of me?"

"Hello? Still here." I said feeling ignored.

"You want me to pay attention to you?" Emmett asked addressing me. "Fine. I don't know why you had to let this escalate. I just went to talk to you to make sure you didn't do anything rash."

"Anything rash? You think this anything rash?" Edward said flabbergasted.

"Actually I think this is the complete opposite of rash. This is actually more like long and tedious." I said correcting him.

"Swan, I appreciate your compulsiveness at using the exact word, but you're missing the point." Edward again scolded me.

"This three way fighting is not working… And I'm sorry to say this to you Bella, but you are like a wild horse: you rush into things… The way you two got together in the first place: case and point. You never stopped to think." By now Emmett was using his half-drunk beer bottle to point at me.

"What do you want me to say Emmett?" I asked rising my tone and using my hands to support my rant. "That I don't care about this family? That I don't care about him? Or you?" I said finally letting him get to me.

"It's not that. It's not like I am against you, but I wonder if you two ever have consider the repercussions of your actions." Emmett tried to calm down.

"Again, you never spoke with me, so don't tell me you are worried about what_ I_ think." Edward really was the one feeling left out this round.

"You two are not going to have a cock fight to prove who's manlier…" I said annoyed by their body language. "And you are definitely not going to keep me out if you argue about my private life." I warned them.

"It is my life as well." Edward said turning back at me.

"Well, it is my family…"

We had reached our first impasse.

"So then what is going on with you?" Emmett asked.

"It's none of your damn business." Edward responded.

"It is if it concerns my family. Are you really looking forward to losing it like you did when she left, _Edward_?" He asked him making me mad at the guilt distribution.

"So that is why you went to talk to her instead of me? Because I am her spineless puppet? I'm getting tired of the two of you thinking that I'm weak because I'm not as strong or as loud." He said looking at Emmett and then at me.

"See? I'm the bitch that left you. I told you that was the consensus." This was indeed a three-way fight.

"What do you want me to say? Make a public announcement of what happened? I'm not sure I know what happened." Once again Edward had turned to face me.

"You very well _know_ what happened." I said shaking my head and looking down.

Edward came to me and placed his palms on my legs.

"That is something between you and me, and we are going to have that conversation, but not now."

"Hello? You are trying to settle things with _me_, but I can go if your stuff is more important… As usual." Emmett even pretended to leave.

"Come on, stop the act! What is there to say Em? We're together… We're trying to do it right this time. You don't possibly expect us to ask for your permission." I said in frustration.

"I don't want you to ask for my permission, but have you ever considered what your actions cause? Damn it! I don't want a play-by-play of what goes on with you, but last time you got together I had to find out by walking on a full on tragedy. And still no one bothered to really explain anything." He said referencing the Shakespeare night debacle.

"Gee Em! I was in the middle of my life crumbling; I'm sorry I couldn't sit down with _you_ and explain to _you_ that your brother and I were in a relationship, oh wait… I wasn't even sure we were in a relationship." I said annoyed.

"My point exactly. Your relationship never develops progressively, it's like a natural disaster."

"You know nothing about it Emmet." Edward informed him.

"Excuse me? Of course I do. I slept in the room next door remember?"

"Listening through the walls doesn't give you a vantage point." I said.

"I was in there and I don't think I had one." Edward remarked.

"Shut it Cullen you're not helping!" I yelled angered by this implication.

"Can you please call him something else, it's confusing." Emmett said upset.

"Bottom line is this Em: I'm not going to apologize." Edward stated. "The heart wants what the heart wants. We don't love you any less. Do we hope this relationship ends like before? You bet your ass we don't. Do we have a crystal ball to know what will happen? Not at all, but I'm going to play it out because I don't have an option, because my happiness depends on it. And I wished you could support me. Support both of us in this."

"Well thanks. I'm sorry you got stuck with me." I said a little hurt by the implication of me being an unwanted and unavoidable twist of fate.

"Swan cut it out." He said annoyed.

"Problems in paradise?" Emmett mocked us, delighted to prove that we were more bad news than good.

"Emmett shut the fuck up! You just don't know anything." I said unable to tolerate him anymore.

"Because I'm stupid right?" He claimed in anger.

"As I am rash and immature?" I asked in response.

"And apparently, I'm invisible." Edward added looking down at the floor and raising his eyebrows.

He was such the Jan Brady of our family.

"Are we going with every stupid stereotype we fill in this family?" Emmett asked, proving that his own stereotype was definitely unfounded.

"I thought we were supposed to fix this." Edward said disappointed.

"So how do we fix this Em? Do you want me to dump him? Do you want us not to talk ever again? Should I just leave all of you and let you be?" I said trying to make him see the irrationality of his reaction.

"That is ridiculous, you are my sister."

"Then help me out here." I pleaded.

"Fine. I never intended for this to get out of hand. I just hope that you think of the consequences that your acts have on this family. I won't give you any more problems, but don't expect me to be jumping up and down right now." He finally conceded.

"We don't need you to be a cheerleader, just stay out of it." I said.

"Okay then, now Bella, give us some time alone please." He calmly asked me.

"You are insane if you think I'll go and let you talk on your own about me." I said, sure that I was going to be supported on that.

"I think Emmett is right." Edward said instead.

"I bet… What? Are you on crack or something? Are you going to try to punch each other on the face?" I asked worried.

"No. Just go okay? There are certain things that guys like to talk in private, you don't need to be in every single conversation." Emmett informed me.

"But it's me." I pleaded.

"And in case you haven't noticed, no matter how much you try to be one of the guys, you are not." Edward said gently taking me from the counter down and giving me a quick peck.

"You probably know about that firsthand Ed…" Emmett mocked.

"Real mature Em." I said glaring.

"Rose! Take Bella away." He yelled.

"Don't you dare." I warned him.

"I just did." He replied with a wide smile.

"Bella I think you should come with us." Rose said pulling me towards Alice. Jasper had given up pretending to be social and was just watching some sport thing on TV.

"No. This concerns me." I said.

"There are other things that we need to talk. Not everything concerns you." Edward said.

"You don't expect me to believe that."

"Believe me or not, but there are other things in the world besides you." Emmett added.

"Fine. But I will be finding out." I said looking into Edward's eyes threatening.

"Sure. Next time you decide to come completely clean with me about everything in your life." He said daring me instead.

"You are so not getting to second tonight." I said trying to bother him.

"Want to bet?" It was all he replied no longer looking at me.

* * *

Once in Alice's room I sat on her bed feeling defeated while she and Rose went through her closet, starting to sort her stuff in preparation for her move.

"Bella, chill out. Is not like it's the first time they talk without you there. They don't need you to referee every time." Alice said.

"But they are talking about my life." I said fuming.

"No. They are probably talking about their own relationship, and yes your relationship may be tangential, but not everything has to center on you." Rose had no problem speaking her mind.

"Sorry to break this to you, but Edward is an individual, and so are you. You two tend to develop a sickish symbiosis." Alice added.

"Well thank you for the vow of confidence."

"It's not that hon. It just takes us a little longer to realize this is a good thing. But I'm sure we'll get there on time." Rose commented.

"Sickish symbiosis Alice?" I said getting back at her comment. "At least we don't dress alike."

"Oh, drop it was _one_ time and Jasper and I wore the same color polo shirt. That is hardly dressing alike."

"Admit it Alice, you coordinate your clothes." I said knowing I had hit a nerve.

"Fine. It's not like it's a kinky sexual practice." She said going through her closet.

"Is that supposed to be a reference to me?" I asked

"Or me? Because that was very vague." Rose inquired as well.

"No. But if the shoe fits… Any of you…"

"Okay, that is one kind of openness that disturbs even me." I finally admitted.

"So, what was that about getting to second?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, you try prying that out of me. We're doing things different this time, so I'm not disclosing any details of our private life."

"Let's just use deduction here Alice. Different from before… And before what did they do…?" Rose said looking at Alice.

"Jump into bed?" She offered.

"So the opposite would be…" Alice started with a grin.

"You two are evil…" I said in defeat.

"So how are you hanging in there? Frustrated much?" Rose said grinning.

"Better that you may be implying."

"How is he doing then?" Alice asked intrigued.

"A lot better than you would expect. And you know what? I don't want you two putting ideas in my head, I am truly trying to do this as unbiased as I can be, so drop it."

"Okay then. I guess you have settled all of your issues." Rose said.

"Yes and no… I don't know, I don't think is something as easy as flicking a switch. We've talked and we're still talking… and at some point I hope everything will be healed. But with a realistic take on our situation, I don't think it can be solved magically."

"So you two have really been celibate all these weeks?" Alice asked turning to face me.

I wasn't going to go down that path, since I knew I'd end up losing.

"Okay enough! Alice when are you going to tell us you're pregnant?" I bluffed just to get their minds on something else.

"Ah… I … What?... No." She said shaking her head much more than needed and burying her face in the closet again.

"Oh my god you are? I was totally bullshitting you." I said getting up and turning to see Rose with equal surprise on her face.

"Alice…" She said.

"No… I'm not pregnant… Not yet anyways." She said from the closet.

I laughed. "Get out of the closet Alice."

"Are you trying to get pregnant then?" Rose asked, and Alice sighed turning to face us.

"No… I'm just… I don't know… considering it. We've been considering it. For after the wedding obviously." She finally confessed.

"Wow! That is a big step." I said collapsing on the bed again.

"I'm speechless." Rose added.

"I don't know… I guess I like the white picket fence fantasy… That is not very feminist and modern of me is it"

"Hey, we have the freedom to choose whatever we prefer." I offered.

"It doesn't have to be right away." She continued. "But the wedding and the move put everything in perspective. Not to mention that it is exciting to imagine a baby growing in you… I guess it probably feels nice to know that you have part of your love inside…"

"It does…" I said absentmindedly.

"Oh… Bella… I'm sorry, I didn't think…"

"Oh… What? Oh don't worry! It's okay, believe me." I said smiling and truly feeling fine about it. "I'm okay remembering… thinking… listening to people talk about pregnancies… it's fine, I'm over that… Now, the negativity I've heard recently… That I have a problem with."

"What?" She asked making me remember she didn't know about that awful memory.

"Nothing… Some idiot with no tact… But… I think it's great, I'm really happy for you… And my situation was very different. You are doing it the way it's supposed. Though despite all the crap… from personal experience… It does feel pretty darn good to feel him growing in you… That I remember fondly, even if it lasted like a minute… It was a cool minute… And I think you'll be a great mom." I said as I got up and got close to hug her.

"For sure?" She asked from my embrace.

"For sure. Me? I'm not so sure, but you without a doubt." I said reassuring her.

"I think so too sweetie." Rose agreed joining our hug.

"So you think they killed each other by now? It's pretty quiet." I said letting go.

"Let's go see." Rose said.

The three of them were drinking beer and watching TV. Edward signaled me to come to him, and I, as a lamb, for some reason obeyed.

"So what was that about?" I asked sitting on his lap.

"Guy stuff." He said avoiding my eyes.

"I thought I used to be in with the guy stuff." I said resentful.

"You developed boobs Bella, so give it up." Emmett interrupted hearing our conversation.

"And when you started noticing boobs existed, you stop thinking Em." I got back at him.

"Mock all you want, you're not figuring it out." He replied.

"You two okay?" I asked instead.

"Yeah… I think we're going to be okay." Edward responded with a reassuring smile. "Ah! And Alice?" He said turning to see her. "Write down in your binder that we're not bringing dates to your wedding."

"I kind of assumed that." She said sitting down.

* * *

"So are you going to tell me what the two of you talked about?" I asked as we drove back from Alice and Jasper's.

"No." He answered dryly.

"Just like that?"

"You keep stuff from me all the time." He reminded me.

"I don't."

"You do, and I don't expect you to tell me every single thing. It's been a while since I came to terms to the fact that it's not about knowing every single bit of information, but having the trust to have the other have their space."

"You just _love_ to pontificate don't you?" I said to bother him.

"It has its perks."

"Fine. Don't tell me." I said thinking that indeed there were some things that, even though didn't require me to be secretive about and hide from him, I was glad to call my own, and just my own. "I'm fine with you having your own stuff, but don't hide stuff about us just to protect me. It's all I'm going to say."

"You're growing up. The old you would have pestered me until I caved. I think I like this new you, unless this is another ploy to get what you want."

"Oh believe me I'm getting used to not getting what I want. And no, it's no ploy."

"So where to?" He asked.

"Home?"

"More specifically?"

"My place."

"I was hoping you would be staying." He said turning to face me.

"I wasn't bluffing when I mentioned that you weren't going to be taking another base."

"I can steal a base at your place just the same." He said smiling and looking back at the road.

"You'll have to prove me wrong."

"Gladly."

He didn't stay the night and this time I let him walk me home. He went home quite proud of himself though, after stealing second.


	14. Chapter 14

_**I had planned to update every other day instead of my usual daily basis from now on, but the feedback on chapter 13 really got me going. You got me out of my funk, and I appreciate it.**_

_**I want you all to know that I'm planning to respond to the reviews, just bear with me.**_

_**I really want to thank you all for reviewing: I respond to the ones that ask me something or make comments that make think something else, but by it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all of them, even if I don't reply to the ones that just tell me to update or say 'good chapter'. **_

_**I want to be very clear that I don't get excited because the review count goes up, I couldn't care less about that. What I love is reading your ideas, and being so touched by you taking your time to write something to me.**_

_**I came out to my significant other, so to speak, I had been somewhat secretive about writing here. My SO reacted very well, and felt proud of me because I'm writing again. , I read some parts out loud but I'm not letting him read it all, since I'm quite embarrassed for him to read the sex and romantic parts. I'm afraid he'll think I'm dropping hints.**_

_**The fight scene last chapter was my ode to siblings. I really wanted to portray how alliances are created and destroyed in matter of seconds. It was a dramatic moment, but written to be found funny in how ludicrous fights become. **_

_**And lastly, I haven't forgotten of the questions you all have about the plot: what made them break-up and the conversation between Edward and Emmett. It will all be revealed with time. I'm brewing something here, and I want to have enough conflict to get me to chapter 20. I don't know about you, but I'm not ready for the happy ending yet.**_

_**Thank you.**_

* * *

"So when do you think we'll be progressing to a… more mature relationship? Not trying to rush anything here, pure curiosity…" Edward asked me as we were lying down on his couch after watching a movie, and we lazily rubbed our bare feet together. "I was wondering if we had a time table or if we were playing this by ear."

"Well, I guess we're just trying to do this in a more normal way." I replied with my eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the proximity.

"Which means?" He asked against my hair.

"I have no idea, my only basis of comparison is us and well… that was quite abnormal. But you are Mr. Experience, so let's hear about your past dating experiences."

"Is this your way to asked me about my baggage?"

"Yeah, because I have a thing for masochism." I said with sarcasm.

"You are the one asking about it."

"Purely for a basis for comparison." I explained myself.

"Okay, but you asked for it." I was warned.

I got myself ungracefully to a sitting position.

"Ouch! Watch it! I'm kind of tender there." He complained.

" 'Fess up man."

Edward pushed me off to the other end of the couch and sat up grimacing slightly.

"I didn't hurt you… there. Anyways, start talking." I said as he reached for my hips and moved me his lap.

"You're bony." He complained some more. "And I don't think you are going to find it as helpful as you think."

"It has to be more helpful than mine." I said shrugging.

"Then I'm interested to hear what you were romantically doing in our time apart." He proposed expecting me to have a problem with it.

"You know what I was doing." I said confidently.

"No. I know what you were _not_ doing. I'm interested in what you _were_ doing. Don't think I haven't noticed some new kissing technique. I'd even dare to say it seems a little… foreign?" He said trying to read my reaction.

"Ha…" I laughed. "Fine, I'll tell you mine after you tell me yours. I just wonder if we'll regret this afterwards."

"Interesting that you are worried only after the possibility of _your_ stuff coming out." He pointed out to my annoyance.

"You're stalling Cullen, speak."

"Can you blame me?" He asked placing his hands to the sides of my face tilting it up to look at him, just inches away from me.

"You're the one that wants a timetable, so you don't have to, if you don't want to." I said trying to sound nonchalant about it.

"If I recall correctly you been… _eager_ as well at times." He was now openly teasing, as he sighed his words dangerously close to my lips.

"That was just my immaturity reacting to certain contingencies." I said trying to ignore him by closing my eyes.

"Right… Your hormones had nothing to do with it. So if I tried something on you now, you wouldn't respond right?"

That last part got my eyes to open.

"Don't look at me like that." I said just by the intent in his eyes.

"Am I making you nervous?" He said curving his lips into a wicked smile.

"Very." I conceded unwilling to feel defeated: if I owned to it, it couldn't be considered a loss right?

"Just admit it." He commanded.

"To what?" I asked in an equal breathy voice.

"That you have desires as well… for me…"

"Do you have desires for yourself?" I said in the same tone knowing I was annoying him.

"Chicken." He said pulling away.

"Fine. I desire you, this is just as difficult, happy?" I said in my normal tone.

"Very."

"Tell me about your ladies then." I prompted returning to our conversation.

"Okay… I've been with three women in my life. You included." He admitted.

"Really? In eighteen months only two?" I asked surprised.

"You are one to talk." He said moving his hands over my thighs.

"Yeah, the difference is that you are ecstatic about my celibacy."

"I thought you'd feel flattered."

"I am… Wait, why should I feel flattered?" I asked confused.

"Because it was difficult… to decide to do something like that, our history was too heavy."

"But you managed." I reminded him.

"I'm not very proud of the first." He said avoiding my eyes.

This was going to be good, so instead of giving him an easy way out I went in full force.

"What happened?"

"I went to a party, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol, woke up with a girl I met there, with a terrible hangover, both physical and moral, and not a lot of recollection of the event…" He said trying to breeze his way through the memory of his less than proud moment.

"That is a crappy memory…" I agreed.

"I felt really shitty about it, for a long time." He said rolling his eyes and shaking his head. I ran my fingers through his hair trying to reassure him.

"So you went to the party looking to score?" I asked unable to contain my humor.

"No. I have to admit, she kind of pursued me."

"You were right. So far your experiences are not helping at all. You have a thing for girls proposing sex right?" I was very amused.

"Laugh all you want. You may have come up with the idea, but it blew up in your face. I like to think _I _took charge soon enough."

And now ladies and gentleman: the moment when one's boyfriend asks for some reassurance as a little boy asks for a cookie.

"I know your male ego needs a boost now, so I'll give it to you. Yes, you certainly took charge. You were the man. Happy?"

My charming self made jokes and feigned annoyance on a daily basis, but lots of times it was to cover how truthful I really was.

"Not really when you say it like it."

"I'll make sure to moan it next time we're biblical." I said instead.

"Thank you." He responded satisfied and then kissed me, action I welcomed gladly.

"And then I guess we get to… Karen." I said when the kiss broke.

"Yeah… Karen… As you probably know, it took me a while to start that."

"Where did you meet her?" I asked intrigued.

"Coffee place."

"Wow! That actually impresses me, so you totally started from scratch there. No friend introducing you or anything."

"No. I started the conversation on my own."

"So you can totally start relationships with women you haven't known your whole life. I'm proud of you Cullen."

"That sounds like you wanting me to do it again." He said fishing for an admission from me.

"No… Let's just say not in the immediate future."

"Sounds like you're keeping something."

"Agh… Okay then, right now I feel like I don't want you to meet any other women… at all… not now… not ever."

"Thank you. It felt nice to feel appreciated."

"Then tell me more." I ordered him.

"Well, we started dating for a while before getting physical."

"How long? Should I take notes?"

"I don't know, a few weeks… anyways… One day we ran into Emmett and Rose and they invited us for dinner. I don't think I would have suggested her meeting friends of mine quite so early, let alone family. I don't think I was quite ready. And then it all snowballed from there."

"Alice's party?" I asked knowing what he was attempting to explain.

"Yeah… When Jasper called to invite me I was having dinner with her, it was awkward, he heard her voice and told me she could come, before I knew it she was coming."

"Is this you trying to apologize?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What for? My mental anguish? It's funny that I was kind of forced to bring someone and it was you the one alone."

"I was relieved that she wasn't able to go. I liked her… a lot… but I wasn't ready for her to meet everyone… not ready for her to meet you at all."

"I don't think it would have gone like the time we actually met. I mean with everyone there."

"I'm sorry that happened the way it did. Though… The aftermath was nice." He said skipping to the enjoyable part of that night.

"Pig." I said pushing his face to the side.

"You liked it too. Admit it."

"I did. So how was it with Karen?" I asked the forbidden question.

"Oh, you are not asking that."

"How come I am?"

"Listen, I'm just going to say this to get you off my back. It happened about three times. And it was… different. I didn't know her like I know you, so it could have never been like it is with us." He said rubbing his fingers over the small of my back, right over the place where my tattoo was I presumed.

"Even at the beginning?"

"Even at the beginning I knew you like I can't know anyone else. So you can't compare."

"Flatterer."

"I'm just being honest."

"I'm that good huh?" I said smugly.

"No. I said _we_ are that good. Okay your turn."

"What is there to say?" I asked actually embarrassed by the boredom of my romantic life on our time apart.

"You're not getting out of this. Let's start with why you didn't get… more experience… I would have thought that France had plenty of opportunities for you."

"Oh, that would have been unpatriotic." I said making a joke.

"Come on, you are the first one to criticize the government."

"Yeah, I don't think that was the reason… I guess at first everything felt too recent. I didn't even have the romantic drive. I wasn't interested at all… At the end of my stay I went to a few of dates, nothing that I could see progressing, maybe because I knew I was coming back, or maybe because they weren't you… I can't really say. I did my fair share of kissing though, and I guess I pick up on a couple of things."

"Are you trying to make me jealous?" He asked.

"I listened to your story." I reminded him.

"You asked for it."

"Fine, so coming back it was the same thing. I just caught up with work, having fun with Elyse and Patrick. And then, of course, there are not a lot of opportunities to meet guys when you go to gay bars."

"Remind me to send a case of wine to Patrick." He said amused.

"And then I went out with Neil, and you know about that."

"Yeah… Not my proudest moment." He said looking down.

"So where are we in terms of a timetable?" I asked trying to see if that little exchange had had a point after all.

"I think we are at the same point. But we've been good the last what? Month and a half?"

"We didn't see each other for the first three weeks after the time… at my place." I said thinking back.

"Then about a month. But we've seen each other about every night ever since. Spending the night together many times in a completely platonic way." He mentioned as one does a great accomplishment.

"I don't know if platonic, but yes, I get your point."

"I think we've proven each other that we want a relationship, that it is not just us being nostalgic about the past, or the break-up sex we didn't have." He said making a point.

"I agree."

"I'm not trying to rush things, but I think we should feel happy to let things… progress."

"Then we agree on that… My only request is that we don't do a super production when it actually happens." I said dreading putting too much pressure on it.

"Yeah, I kind of liked how the first time wasn't overstated at all, it took a lot of the pressure off."

I smiled at the memory; in its weirdness it had been nice. He must have read my thoughts in my smile because he covered my mouth with his and we alternated kissing with laughing, collapsing back on the couch with me underneath this time. I was enjoying the sensations when he sighed on my ear. "I like you like this, unable to escape." At first the idea made me smile, but then it got me thinking about the rather negative implication of it.

I was the one that fled: the escapist.

"Despite what you believe I wanted the whole thing with you." I said trying to fight with the voice in my head that hissed my guiltiness at me.

"What do you mean?" Edward asked about the line uttered half for the voice and half for him.

"I mean the house and the dog and everything." I said unraveling the bitterness I had buried inside.

"Really?"

His incredulity harmed me.

I pushed him up so his weight was not resting on me, and he had to push against the back of the couch and the seat to hover above.

"Don't sound so surprised… You well know I was in it for the long haul."

"I can see how exciting it sounded." He said defensively, harmed in turn by my choice of words.

"With you the conventional path wasn't scary, or even boring, it was what I wanted." I said with disbelief that he was finding this a novelty. "Actually, it wasn't a possibility for me. We just were, I had no option. Nothing else I wanted."

"What are you trying to say?" He asked in turn.

"That you didn't have to leave me because of that." I admitted bitterly.

"I didn't leave you." He said coldly pushing back to sit on his legs.

"I went away, but _I _didn't leave you… You didn't leave but you where not there." I said finally putting the words out, amazed at the realization that they hurt still.

"How come we got here?" He asked bothered.

"I don't know, but this is the big one isn't it?" I asked shocked at the rawness of the memory.

"I didn't withdraw because I thought you didn't want a future with me." He admitted.

"Then what happened?" I asked sitting up.

"I don't know. Nothing happened I guess."

"You were not there. I left because I was alone anyways." I said unhappy with his response.

"So you did that instead of talking to me?" He asked and I could detect he felt hurt as well.

"Excuse me! I tried to talk plenty of times."

"I don't think I can explain what was going on with me then, I was just not in a good place."

"And you lock me out of whatever it was." I said sadness evident in my tone.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? I am sorry, I truly am, but I didn't know it was going to end up splitting us up. I didn't know I was going to push you away." He said getting up.

"I wasn't planning on leaving. The opportunity came and when I mentioned it, you couldn't care less." I said feeling my eyes welling up.

"I cared." He said looking away from me.

"Not enough to ask me to stay."

There, I had said the words.

"I guess we both have a lot of bitterness stored."

The ring of the phone startled us and ended the first round, pushing us back to our corners.

Edward picked it up and I could hear his side of the opportune conversation.

"Hey mom! Yes, I'm excited too… I haven't but I will do tonight… Okay, okay, I know I should do it… I don't know what her plans are yet… She's here if you want to ask her yourself… Yes she is, and no I won't give you any details… Fine, here she is…"

I had a good idea of what had transpired in that conversation.

"Hey Esme." I said thinking that the voice on the other side had an astounding balsamic effect in any situation.

"Hey honey! I guess there are exciting news to tell me." She said in a cheerful tone.

"Yes, I think Emmett is thinking about proposing to Rose." I said dodging her implication.

"Oh, sweet child of mine… You know what I mean." She said unaffected by my attempt.

"We're giving it a go… And we're being mature this time, so spare me the sermon, Emmett already did." I said in resignation.

"I won't honey, I already had that talk with you once. You're an adult and I trust you. But expect Dad to have something to say." She warned.

"I wouldn't love him any other way." I said thinking fondly of Carlisle, and being interrupted by a depression on the couch cushion I was sitting on, soon enough startled by a hand brushing my hair off my neck and causing my skin to tingle with the dance of his lips.

It was here that I realized that he was only listening to my side of the conversation, as I had before, and I could see his confusion at my words.

I didn't have the heart to settle it straight. Not to mention that his attention was making me forget we had just been about to tear each other's heads off, metaphorically speaking.

"So what are you guys doing?" Esme forced me to open my eyes, which I hadn't realized had closed.

"Ah… fighting right when you called." I responded honestly being punished for it by a light bite.

"Should I worry?" She asked as I felt hands exploring under my top freely.

"No, not at all…" I said now actively conscious of my tone, worried it would reveal what my silent partner in crime was doing.

"I was telling my boy there that I was wondering if you knew when you were coming, you know the wedding is just around the corner."

"I don't have my tickets yet." I informed her in the least amount of words I was able.

"Seems like you two haven't talked about those plans."

"We haven't, but I guess we will tonight."

His mouth had traveled from my neck to my jaw, and suddenly I realized that my bra was still on me, but now hung laxly from my shoulders as he kneaded me.

"How long were you thinking of staying?"

At that question I forced my brain to settle and I responded:

"I think I'll stay a little longer. I haven't been there in a while, I already asked Patrick about taking vacation time. So I think I'll come the weekend before and stay until a day or two after the wedding."

I sincerely doubted I was going to feel coherent enough to say something that long any time soon.

"I didn't know you were planning to do that." Edward commented against my skin, his voice muffled.

"Well you never asked." I said turning my face to him ignoring Esme for a second.

"I'll get the time off then." He said.

"I'm still here hon." Esme's voice was audible to both of us since the phone was no longer pressed against my ear.

"I know." I said putting it back.

"Is he trying to seduce you?" She asked putting two and two together.

"He is trying to distract me I can tell you that." I admitted.

"Put me on speaker phone." She said and I obeyed.

"Hands off young man!" Esme's loud voice came stopping and frustrating him.

"Fine mom… Swan you are in _so_ much trouble."

"Hey Esme, do you have a key to the Jack and Jill bathroom?" I said threatening to lock him out when we went back home.

"If we had a key kiddo, you two wouldn't have gotten in trouble in the first place. Do you want me to call a locksmith? Or do you want to trade rooms with Em?" Esme asked.

"I think we'll be fine." I said as he now just held me tight against him.

"Okay kids I'm going to bed, and please don't let me know if you will as well. But please call and tell me about your plans for coming as soon as you have them."

"Will do mom. Love you." Edward said.

"Love you Esme." I added.

"Love you two, be safe." She said before hanging up.

"You have some nerve!" I said turning my head to face him.

"You're the one to talk." He said resuming his labor.

"So, are you going to come with me on the holy pilgrimage to the land of my people?" I asked.

"It is that sort of epic trip huh?"

"I haven't been there in what? Three years?" I guessed.

"What was that about anyway? I don't think it can be completely blamed on me."

"It wasn't… It had something to do with my parents. But I don't want to talk about it just now. I want to go see them." I confessed.

"That's big, you haven't gone to the cemetery in years."

"I know… I think it's time. I don't know if I'm ready, but I know I need to."

"I'd love to be there the entire time. I'll get the time off." He offered.

"Thank you."

"So should we look for tickets?" He offered, but I suspected he didn't mean right in that second, since once again his fingers had found the tender flesh of my breasts.

"I'm worried about that but I don't want to ask Esme and Carlisle for help."

"I can help you, I mean, I'm not swimming in money, but I could."

"Thanks for the offer, if I have problems, I might take it, but I rather not." I admitted.

"Has it been tight?"

"A little." I confessed.

"Maybe we should start thinking about getting a place together, there is no point of keeping two apartments if we're staying in one all the time."

He was right, but the idea seemed dangerous, it was a path we had followed before.

"Ah… That would be the ultimate kiss of death."

"I'm just thinking practically. You can get your own room." He said barely laughing.

"Well, from the economical point of view it does make sense. I'm not keen on paying my rent when I barely stay at my place." I said weighing our options.

"I bet it'll be different this time."

"Famous last words." It was I the one laughing now.

"Come on, we've grown and learned."

"But you are aware that we'll have to hire movers. I don't really think our good friends will be very happy to help us move in again… after having to move us out. Which reminds me… Alice asked us for help helping them pack." I said.

"Great. We don't get them to help us but they do."

"That is what happens when you break up and get back together: you lose credibility." I explained.

"Fine. We'll get movers. We can think about that after the wedding. Does that make sense?" He asked unwilling to rush into it as I was.

"It does." I said done with the conversation and willing to enjoy the current stage of our relationship.

Aware that good things happen, so they say, to those who wait.

* * *

_**There you go, a lot longer than usual, I just couldn't cut any dialogue out.**_

_**Thank you once more.**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**This one took a lot longer since the dialogue wasn't flowing quite as I wanted. I think from now on the updates may take a little longer, since conflict is going to start resolving and I don't want to be repetitive or sappy. **_

_**To answer a question, I didn't model Bella after me. Her sarcasm, as other character's sarcasm is definitely mine, I'll give you that, but Edward's idealism and poetical side are mine as well. In a way they all are me, but they are their own people.**_

_**Thank you once again.**_

* * *

What is the name for the phenomenon that seems to affect our perception of time passing?

When I was little, the concept of a week, a month or an eternity had exactly the same weight: endless-like tedious waiting until a new TV show or an exciting trip arrived.

And then suddenly, I realized with violence that time was linear and therefore finite. Just as the olden folk that feared reaching the edge of the Earth, I found out that time was flat and its edge actually reached you, giving way to a bottomless pit.

That was the tragic romantic speaking by the way.

And I mean 'romantic' as in a young Werther, not Celine Dion.

I pondered on these high concepts of time and how much I hated 'Titanic' looking down through the window as I flew home.

Traveling always made me think like this. Because traveling pulls you out of your reality and places you where is neither here not there, and even if your body is strapped down, your mind is running at the same speed as the metal bird taking you away.

Funny: People down there were probably looking up and seeing the passing jet as one tiny unity, not a thought for the number of lives and intricacies belonging to the passengers on board.

So here I was, weeks had passed and we were still doing this rather bizarre dance. It amazed and frustrated me all at the same time.

But slow and steady win the race right?

Before I knew it strong fingers squeezed my tight fist and I realized we had touched ground.

I wondered, as I gathered my stuff, if my past was impatiently waiting on the other side of the security check point, holding a home-made banner that read: 'Welcome back.'

"Excited?" He asked and I deducted his words were more of an incantation than actually a question, since my face was probably giving away the answer.

"Terrified."

"What for?"

I wanted to know that one as well.

"Guiltiness I suppose. I'm the traitor that leaves and never wants to come back. I think my past is going to try to get me."

"Jeez you're gloomy today." He said, probably as annoyed at me as he was at people taking forever to get their bags from the overhead compartments.

"I hate flying." I used as my only excuse.

"So what's the plan Swan?" He said proud of his alliteration.

I rolled my eyes.

Yes. I was that clichéd.

"I don't know… I thought it would come to me when we arrived, but so far I got nothing." I accepted as we emerged from the tunnel to the terminal.

"Oh, don't tell me we traveled this far only to end up doing the same: fighting and making out. We could have just continued doing that back home."

"We're here for Alice." I reminded him.

"But we took the extra time so you could find yourself and shit."

"Thank you for the support." I responded bitterly.

"I'm here ain't I? We've been having previews of the big one for days now, seems like we figure things out and then something else comes along."

I wondered how many more rounds until a knockout.

And who would be the one to bite the dust?

"When you say such wonderfully romantic things like that, what girl can stop herself from throwing herself at you… to claw your eyes out?"

"Call me paranoid, but something tells me this is not your usual sarcastic code for 'I'm head over hills for you Edward'."

We were walking towards baggage claim. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we could do the sarcastic fighting dance on the move.

"Is that what you've been hearing all these years? No wonder why I drive you crazy."

"You do… though sometimes not in the way you'd wish."

"Okay now we're going to need to set some ground rules." I said stopping abruptly.

"What for?" Edward asked.

"Well… how much do you want people participating in our relationship?"

"Good point." He conceded.

"I told you it was worthwhile to keep me around." I said resuming our brisk walk.

"I can think of a couple of perks… And they're probably not the ones you're thinking about."

That made me smile.

We had been riding that violent tide the past few weeks, going through every possible human emotion, and I feared we were getting closer and closer to a boiling point.

After a rented-car trip back home and warm embraces of the parental figures, I was standing in the middle of my old room, with every old possession staring back at me.

"Done unpacking?" Edward asked coming through our shared bathroom as if it were a time portal.

"Nope… Procrastinating… Big time."

"I've always loved your way with words." He said smiling and planting a kiss on the top of my head.

I looked up trying to come up with a sarcastic response but my mind didn't work at its normal speed… It was probably jetlagged.

"I…You… how… Nah… I got nothing." I finally admitted.

"That'd be a first. So… How does it feel to be here… in your room?" Edward asked walking over picking up stuff here and there amused. It looked exactly as before, so much that I even wondered if I'd wake up in the morning thinking I had to make it to school on time.

"Creepy. It's like the museum of my immaturity." I responded feeling part of a tableau.

"I can give you the tour if you've forgotten it. Right now, you are standing in the same spot you were when you changed my life." He said taking me into his arms.

"I don't think I'm up for reliving all our greatest hits, or the worst anyway." I confessed accepting the kiss he was offering.

"Yes… But I wouldn't trade them for anything." He informed me before recapturing my lips.

"Me either… It's funny… I used to think that the worst thing about memories was thinking about the places of your past that no longer exist, or that you cannot access anymore, like my parents' house… It used to drive me crazy to think that my room was no longer my room… And now… I'm not sure if it's worse than places that remain unchanged. It's like going back in time."

"I get that… I keep thinking I'm going to run into the old us." He agreed with me.

"We were so naïve… We didn't know where we were heading." I said eyes closed savoring his taste.

But apparently my words had a negative effect on him since he pulled away making me open my eyes.

"Do you mean to say you didn't know how I was going to break your heart?"

Was this round 23rd or 24th?

"I… not in that way… but… yeah… it makes you wonder…" I said truthfully. "It wasn't your fault… not completely… and yet… I'm mad at me… I'm mad at both."

"Are you ever going to forgive me for that?" He said in frustration. "Are we ever going to figure our past out? Because I'm starting to think maybe not, maybe we should just focus on the future."

"Don't you think I want to find the right thing to say and get it over with? We're together, what else do you want?" I asked raising my voice, annoyed at the idea that it was me who anchored us to a failed past.

"Jeez, you could start by feeling happy to be back together."

"I'm happy! Why do you think I'm not?"

"You're never going to let go of your feelings of abandonment… Sometimes I wonder if we're going to get past that… I wonder if in thirty years we're going to fight about the mortgage, or who took whose medication… and you'll pull out the 'you distanced yourself from me' card."

"Do you realize the idiocy of that? If we're fighting in thirty years then we made it and there's no point for this stupid fight!"

"Thirty years? That's the cap you put on a successful relationship? So should I start planning on restarting my life in my mid fifties?" He asked raising his arms.

"This conversation is getting ridiculous."

"Has it not been ridiculous at any moment? And for your information I checked out of the relationship, but you went along quite easily."

"You think I wanted that?" I asked shocked.

"Well, I may not have asked you to stay, but you have to admit that it was convenient for you."

That accusation enraged me.

"It wasn't anything close to convenient… It was the opposite of convenient."

"Inconvenient?" He offered upsetting me.

"I know the word!"

"It was a great opportunity for you, and you didn't have to worry about the depressed boyfriend back home." He said turning away from me.

"You think it was all hunky-dory? Wait! You were depressed?" I asked noticing his choice of words.

"I… don't know… something was going on with me." He said shaking his head and trying to sweep those words under the rug.

"Whatever it was… you never told me… You never let me in… And it was definitely not convenient for me to leave like that."

"Neither for me." He said turning back to face me.

"That's not what I heard." I said with a low blow.

"You asked about my past! I knew you couldn't take it that easily." He said with an upset smile.

"I'm not mad about what you did. It was over and you were free to do as you pleased, and even if I'm not ecstatic about it, I don't care... What I care about is that you didn't need me anymore, before I left… You didn't want to be with me."

"What makes you say that?" He asked with a face that I wasn't sure spelled shock or anger.

"You didn't want me anymore… In any way… You left me… That night." I was now the one trying to hide my face from him.

"I don't know what night you're talking about."

"How sad that I could never forget it and you don't even remember any more…" I knew that later that night I'd have to be on my own licking my wounds. Right now was the time to bleed though. "You came in… It was late… you lied next to me and I tried to hold you… and you… you got up and left."

Had I already given a name to a tumor that had been eating me away?

"After that you started working late at night. We hardly saw each other any more… You were avoiding me… You didn't want me in your bed anymore… I saw you a couple of times sleeping in the couch, you preferred that to come to me… That really does a number to a girl's self-esteem you know?"

He was now pacing around the room, with his hands on his head in frustration.

"You got it all wrong!" He yelled turning back to face me.

"Keep your voice down." I ordered, now worried that Esme and Carlisle might hear us.

"All this time it was about that?" I could see in his face that he was processing the information I had just shared. "I never wanted you out."

"But you didn't want me to be there… What was the point of being that lonely when you were there? That is why I left. I couldn't bear it anymore."

"I had… some issues. A crisis of becoming an adult, I don't know… Things just weren't working out for me."

In the middle of that I heard Esme's voice from downstairs.

"Guys! It would be good to spend some time with you."

It was now a stare down; both too worried to be the one to break the silence, afraid to say the wrong thing.

"You never cared about confiding in me…" I was the one to finally cave. And so I let it all out: "It hurt me as a woman, your woman, to not be wanted anymore… But I would have survived it… As your best friend… being kept out… I couldn't take it…"

I saw him sigh and every muscle in his body give up and relax. But he said nothing.

"I think I'm going downstairs to help Esme." I informed him and, as my usual, I fled trying to salvage whatever was left of my dignity.

* * *

"It's so nice to have you kids here." Esme said looking at us, but I wasn't sure if she meant it in a sarcastic way, given our palpable tension.

"It must be good to have your two favorite kids home." Edward said trying to lighten our moods, sitting to my right in the little kitchen table during dinner.

"It must be good to have _me_ here." I said to bother him, looking across to Carlisle and Esme instead.

"I love you _all_ the same." Esme said in a perfect motherly tone.

"I'll be honest and say I prefer Bella." Carlisle accepted immediately.

"Dad!" Edward yelled sitting up.

"Sorry Ed, she's the smartest of you three, and even if she's not the fruit of my loins, I want to think I had something to do with it." He said smiling from my left and holding my hand briefly.

"I love you too Carlisle… Even though the whole fruit of your loins thing is quite disgusting."

"So how are you two kids doing?" Esme asked, her eyes dancing from one to the other inquisitively.

"Oh lord… This is going to be weird right?" I asked.

"What? Now we can't talk about the elephant in the room? Also known as the sorry glances sonny boy here is giving you?" Carlisle pointed out. "What did you do? Or didn't do?" He interrogated him pointing at him with a skewered piece of steak on his fork.

"Why does it have to be my fault every time?" He looked at me and smiled to spite me as he said: "You have plenty of flaws _sweetheart_."

We only used conventional terms of endearment when mocking each other… Or when overcome with passion… This time was definitely not passion.

I frown in a perfect 'annoyed overreacting teenage girl' fashion and turned back to Carlisle and said:

"So… yeah… I guess I like to suffer… Coming back for more of _that_ honey…"

"Thank you Swan I _love_ you too." He said throwing his charming smile along with his napkin at me.

"Love is in the air." Carlisle mocked amused.

"Dad!" Edward yelled once more while I repeated my annoyed look.

"If you two break up again we're keeping Bella this time." Esme added without peeling her attention from her vegetables.

"You never lost me, you know? Even if _he_ stuck around." I let her know.

"But you hardly came anymore." She explained.

"Aha! And I have been exonerated of being the cause." Edward informed them proudly.

I sighed and turned to face him.

His goofy face made me smile against my will and he noticed, I knew this because of the smug grin he gave back.

Who I was kidding? I still wanted him around.

"Ah… I'm not getting rid of this guy just yet… But I'll keep you posted." I said reaching for his hand. "So anyways… When is Em coming?" I asked diverting the conversation.

"In a couple of days." Carlisle responded.

"I think he's about to propose." I shared my theory with my family.

"Well, it's going to be good to even out the numbers here, and then it won't be an unfair fight for us girls anymore." Esme said raising her eyebrows.

"Please, like the two of you need help." Edward commented.

"Why don't you tell us what you and Em talked in private a few weeks ago?" I asked him fully aware I was using the extra attention of our parents as a coercive method.

"What was that about?" Esme asked intrigued.

"I thought you were going to be an adult and give us our privacy." Edward told me.

"I can't be an adult in this house. It's like there is an immaturity vortex or something." I said with a smile.

"That would have explained all the gray hair you three gave me growing up." Carlisle said feigning how he has just had an epiphany. "To think Esme, we could have avoided all the headaches by moving."

"No, I think we just got lousy kids." Esme responded with a deadpan look.

"I love this family! Have I mentioned that before?" I said thinking that loins or not, I was definitely the fruit of those trees.

"So what was that about Em then?" Carlisle asked piqued by my information.

"You are so nosy. I'm not going to defend you from Emmett anymore." Edward threatened me.

"Like I've ever needed it."

"Okay, now I am sure you too still love each other. This sounds way too familiar. Doesn't it Dad?" Esme said looking at Carlisle, who grinned in complicity.

As teenagers we looked at each other aware of the words spoken, words not yet said this time around directly and without any sarcasm, and blushed.

"I'm not going to betray Em's trust, we have a bond." Edward added once in control of his emotions again.

"Please! You and I had a better bond that the two of you, and we didn't share a womb." I reminded him.

"Thank god for that." Esme said.

"And _that_ was part of our conversation." Edward added ignoring his mother.

"What was that hon?" Esme asked now more interested.

"We had a heart to heart, about life, love, us as brothers, Bella, Rose, our family, etc. And that is all I'm going to say."

"So is he proposing?" Esme asked as Carlisle shook his head disapprovingly at our female curiosity.

"There was… a talk about rings… but you're not getting anything else, so drop it." Edward commanded both of us.

"I'll make you pay." I warned him with my most serious face.

"I know you are completely capable." He answered mirroring me.

"So about that locksmith… Do you think he'd make a visit at this time? I feel like sleeping alone tonight." I asked Esme without taking my eyes from my dear boyfriend.

"How come I don't believe that one?" Esme asked her husband instead of responding me.

"Good to know you have this much faith in me." I told them turning to them.

"Kids, just keep it down tonight. Anything else, we don't want to know." Carlisle finalized with a knowing look.

I went to sleep on my own after a reassuring kiss to prove I wasn't punishing him at all. I was trying to avoid resuming our previous argument, instead, though I didn't say that.

However, I woke up to find myself bolted down by his limbs, a discovery I made when I pushed myself up just to come back right away. I turned and, planting my foot firm on his chest, I literally kicked him out of my bed. He woke up in panic when he felt himself propelled, only to hold on to the aforementioned foot, making me come down on top of him as we landed with a thud on the hardwood floor.

"What the fuck was that?" He angrily said inches away from my face.

"What are _you_ doing here? I thought you went to your room." I hit it the blame right back at him.

"I missed you." He responded with a smile.

"So do you hold me down so I can't leave? Because that was no spooning. What's next? Tying me down?" I asked still upset.

"Would you like me to?" He flirted in his foolproof seductive tone.

"That is such a clichéd joke… It's beneath you, really… I think you're losing it…" I said trying to bother him.

"Sue me. I like holding on to you at night."

"Can't you hold on to a pillow? Or a teddy bear in case you get scared? Why it has to be me?… How many more scars do you want me to sport because of you? I'm a map as it is… Was that for old time's sake?" I scolded him as I playfully punched him on the chest.

"It's these damn beds!" He explained hitting the bed next to us. "They're too small."

"You didn't use to complain about them." I reminded him.

"I used to do _other_ stuff on them. Let's call it a better usage of space… Anyway… Get off me, you're heavy."

"I guess you're not as strong as you used to. You're not a seventeen year old anymore." I was really trying to annoy him.

"You're not 110 lb either… And for your information, I just didn't complain back then."

"Come on. Accept that I'm as light as a feather."

"You're are... heavy… and a pain on my butt."

"And you are an idiot." I said annoyed.

"Real smart. Now get off me before you regret it." Edward threatened me.

"What are you going to do?"

"Why do girls always have to ask when they know damn sure what's coming? It's taunting, like you're asking for it."

"You're on to something." I said with an obvious fake amazement. "Guess what? When we say no, we really mean yes."

Suddenly I was on my back.

"Is it just me, or this is very déjà vu? Don't you have any other moves?" I asked in response to his little stunt.

"Oh I can show you some moves." He said pressing himself to me to make me nervous.

"I'll yell." I warned.

"I'm sure you will." He said huskily gracing my lips.

"Why do you play with me?" I asked breaking away from the game we were playing.

"Because it's fun?"

"Be serious… You play with me…" I was unable to avoid where my heart wanted to take us now.

"Since you just revealed a huge guarded secret I'll reciprocate with one of my own." He offered.

"What is that?"

"I never wanted you out of my bed."

Those words did not have the effect on me that I theorized he had intended. They still left me stranded out in the cold in nowhere land.

"Don't joke with that." I said bitterly.

"I'm not."

This time, it was me leaving him for other sleeping accommodations. Downstairs, away from him in a less than comfy couch, I cried once more my desperation: the tears of that fateful and still unexplained night.


	16. Chapter 16

_**I have lost track of musical recommendations, so forgive me if I didn't mention any of them. Here is one I had neglected to mention:**_

_**"Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy from AthenaVolturi**_

* * *

The strong smell of coffee roused me to very confusing surroundings, and it took me a couple of seconds to recognize where I was. I remembered where I had gone to sleep in the middle of the night and the circumstances that prompted me to do so.

Thinking about our situation had consumed me until complete exhaustion.

So many questions confused my mind:

How had we ended up in that endless loop of sorrow?

How long would we continue on it?

What had happened to Edward to make him grow apart?

Had he been depressed?

That one worried me.

I had not really considered that possibility then, and even though it could explain what happened, the fact that he couldn't confide in me still hurt.

But the key question here had started to make itself more and more present in my mind: Would I ever get the answer I was so desperately seeking?

It scared me.

Since it had happened, I had tried to figure out what had prompted him to shut me out and not knowing had nearly driven me insane.

And I finally had let it go. Coming back I had made peace with not knowing. As long as I didn't think about it, it was, as it had never happened.

But then he was back, and the question had come back as well, with each one of our fights it grew stronger and stronger.

My obsession had slowly started to change with a new idea entering my mind: It no longer was the fear that I may never figure it out, but something new:

What if I learned the truth but it no longer satisfied me?

What if it didn't make sense at all?

What if it didn't heal the wound I had been carrying inside?

What if there just wasn't an answer at all?

What if he told me, but it was what he thought I wanted to hear?

This was going to make me insane.

And it was going to be the end of us once again.

My sight had been clouded: I'd never be able to see the future if I concentrated so much on the past.

What if I let him slip off my hands?

Didn't we deserve a real shot?

What was I willing to sacrifice?

Maybe the solution was on proposing a truce.

But would I be able to offer a brand new beginning, no questions asked?

Would I be able to make peace with everything and promise not ever to think about it?

Could I forgive and forget?

Could he?

I didn't know the answer to that.

But one thing I knew for sure: I was willing to try.

He was worth it.

And so I have told Karen.

If I loved him I had to take him as he was, past and all.

A past that included me.

I had to take him despite myself.

I touched my eyelids and I feared they were puffy. I rushed to the bathroom to assess the damages and think how I was going to cover for them to avoid explanations. My face wasn't as bad as I expected, so I splashed some water and redid my ponytail, until I deemed myself presentable enough to face other people.

But I had my answer.

I knew what I was going to do:

I was going to woman up.

And so I followed the path the aromatic Colombian beans lead.

In the kitchen Esme was rushing through her breakfast when she saw me, obviously under the spell of the smell.

"Good morning kiddo. Slept well?" That question was undoubtedly charged.

"Ah… Couldn't sleep, came downstairs to watch TV and fell asleep on the couch." I said in a lame excuse.

"Yeah… I can see your eyelids are puffy from lack of sleep." She said following my 'official' story.

"Exactly."

She shot me a knowing look.

"You are a really great mother… I don't think I've ever really said it, but I'm very grateful I got you, after losing mom. You always seem to know what is going on in my mind."

"It comes with being a mom kiddo." She said with a smile after taking the final sip of her coffee. "One day you'll inherit my superpowers."

"I don't know about that." I said without giving it much thought.

"You will." She predicted with a knowing smile that gave me hope.

"Are you going out?" I asked noticing she was in a rush.

"Yes, I have a few errands I need to run, but you two will be okay right?"

"Don't worry. I think Alice has a bunch of things for us to do." I said pouring some coffee in a mug and sitting on a stool at the counter.

"Great, tell her I say hi. I'm going upstairs to get my purse and then I'll be heading out." She grabbed a croissant from the bread basket and put it in front of me.  
"Here, eat this or the bitterness is going to burn a hole on your stomach."

I loved Esme's capacity to speak in two semantic levels and I smiled at her subtlety.

I nibbled at my croissant and sipped from the aromatic coffee when I felt a hand on my left shoulder and a kiss on the back of my head. I recognized the sweetness of the gesture. I didn't have to turn to look at his face to know that as a chastised puppy he was asking for forgiveness.

As a response I extended my right hand back until I reached the back of his neck and pulled him closer, he leaned in between my head and my shoulder and looked for my lips, and his left hand slid to the front to rest on the top of my chest. I welcomed his kiss and just savored the proximity.

It was an understanding that did not require words.

"Don't let me interrupt you my lovelies, I'm heading out, love you two very much." Esme said going past us.

We laughed and separated. Edward came to sit across from me with a cup of coffee and another piece of bread.

We stared at each other for a while until he finally spoke.

"So… Am I out of the doghouse now?" He said throwing out the toothpaste-advertising smile.

"I was the one sleeping on the couch." I replied drawing attention to the irony.

"And I don't understand that. You could have just kicked me out, or taken my perfectly good bed next door."

I remained silent.

"Right… It was about getting away from me… I'm sorry." He said interpreting my silence.

"Don't say sorry when you don't know what you've done wrong, or if you doubt you did anything wrong at all… Don't say what you think I want to hear… I want you to be yourself." It saddened me to think I had become _that_ woman.

"Okay." He granted with another sip of coffee.

I knew what I had to say, but the words didn't come out as easily as they normally did.

"I was thinking…"

"Nothing good can follow that lead in…" He interrupted me.

"Please listen, because it's good and you are making me reconsider." He was not making it easier for me.

"Okay."

"I thought for a while."

"I can see that." He pointed at their puffiness making me feel too conscious about it.

"You're really trying my patience. Anyways… I decided that… you were right."

The effort of that admittance forced me to give up the tension and sit back.

"Okay I'm worried now. This has never happened before." He replied stunned.

"Don't make jokes. I say a lot of crap and swallowing my words, I'm finding, it's not an easy or enjoyable task."

"Sorry, I'll let you speak."

"I think you were right about not looking towards the future, and that I have to stop being so hung up with the past. So I decided… that I'm not going to look back anymore… I think we deserve a clean slate."

"I'm… dumbfounded." I could see his mind making the necessary connections and assessing what to do next.

"I'll take whatever you want to give me. But I'm done feeling like shit. And anyways, I'm not even sure what is it that I want to hear."

Internally I was praying that I would be able to keep that promise.

"I like that." He said getting up and coming to me. He placed a hand under my knees and another on my back and held me up.

"What are you doing?" I asked surprised.

"Taking you upstairs." Edward responded with a smile.

"What for?"

"I think we just had a breakthrough and I'm taking advantage of it." He answered as he started going up the stairs.

"That's real mature." I said amused but rolling my eyes to seem annoyed.

"I don't look at a gift horse in the mouth." He said in turn unaffected.

Very soon we were in his room and he placed me on his bed underneath him.

Our hands were everywhere and we shared coffee-flavored kisses.

Amidst our explorations I heard my cell phone rang from the other room.

I was not sure if Edward could hear it, but I could swear he was trying harder to distract me.

And then his cell phone rang.

"Ignore it." He commanded.

But then the home phone started ringing.

I only knew one person that insistent.

"Don't answer it." Edward ordered probably hinting at the caller as well. I smiled and got myself free. I walked towards the table in the hall where the phone was, adjusting my pajamas as I walked.

"You are such a tease!" He yelled from behind making me smile.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Bells, it's Alice, I'm picking you up in thirty minutes." I was told.

"And good morning to you Alice." I said as I came back to his room and sat next to him. "I haven't showered yet, but I think I can make it in thirty."

"No… Please?" He said kissing my arm.

I looked at him and as I grinned wickedly I said:

"I'll be ready in thirty. See you then."

"You are mean."

"And we're now even. I'm going to get a shower." I said getting up and heading to the bathroom feeling victorious.

"Mind if I join you?" He asked as he took his t-shirt off.

"Ah… yeah. I mind."

"I'll be good, I promise. Boy scout's honor." He promised making the gesture.

"You were never a boy scout." I reminded him.

"Okay, then. I'll help you wash your back and fondle you lightly. That at least is an honest promise." He tried to negotiate.

"Funny." I said trying to push him out of the bathroom.

"Come on, I've seen you naked many times before, I can control myself. And if you're going to spend the day with Alice I might as well spend it with Jasper, so then I need to get ready as well."

"Alice is picking me up an she has no problem coming in if I'm late, so if you don't want her to see you in all your naked glory go shower in Emmett's bathroom." I said pointing outside.

"I always knew you thought I looked glorious naked." He responded grinning and taking off his pajama bottoms.

"Why do you think I keep you around?" I replied unwilling to be defeated.

I took off my clothes without peeling my eyes from him, and took advantage of his distraction to push him out and close the door.

"You never play fair Swan." He said from behind the door.

"I learned from the master Cullen!" I yelled as I turned on the water and walked under it.

I was almost done when I opened my eyes to see him sitting on the counter staring at me, smiling wide.

"You're such a class act." I said realizing he had been watching me, fully aware that the locks of our bathroom doors were extremely easy to pick.

"Count your lucky stars that I didn't got in." He responded smiling proudly.

* * *

"I'm so happy you're here to help me." Alice said as we drove away.

"That's what I live for Alice."

"And you think you could hold the sarcasm for my wedding." Alice commented knowing me too well.

"It's not your wedding yet. I've been practicing holding the sarcasm, but it kind of comes naturally to me."

"I don't know how Edward deals with it. Do you keep that up in bed?" She asked trying to bother me.

"What do you think keeps him satisfied?" I said nonchalantly.

"You live for shock, don't you?" She asked amused.

"I can't resist the opportunity. So anyway what's in the agenda today?" I asked changing the topic.

"You're coming with me to my last fitting, then we're going to the stylist to help me decide on make-up and hair-"

I interrupted her right there.

"I think you got the wrong bridesmaid for that. Rosalie should be doing that with you."

"But she's not here and you are and that works with me… Anyways, after that we're going to check on the cake and finally we're meeting with the boys… At my house."

"Great, I look forward seeing your mom, haven't seen her in ages." I commented.

"No silly. _My_ house."

"You mean?" I asked unable to catch up.

"We bought a house!" She announced excited.

"Wow… That is a big step."

"Bella… We're getting married, I don't think anything is bigger than that." She reminded me.

"No, I mean, it's amazing."

Why did I always have trouble getting the natural instinctive reaction?

"It's nothing big, and of course it's a fixer-upper, code name for a lot of work, and we wanted Edward to take a look and hear his ideas on it." She informed me.

"I think that is wonderful." I said with a smile, remembering all his sketches.

"Okay so let's get going." She said heading for the tailor.

* * *

"You ready?" Alice asked from the dressing room. I was almost sure she was confusing me with Rose by now.

"Yes, bring on the meringue." I said amused at how excited she was: you would think she was going to come out looking like a Disney princess, glass slippers and all.

"What do you think?" She asked shutting my thoughts up. She looked beautiful: her dress had modern lines, but it was very elegant and sophisticated. Not a meringue at all.

"Alice… you… you…"

"That bad?" She asked worried.

"You look amazing. If Jasper doesn't marry you I will." I said.

"Creepy… but thank you." She responded amused.

"It's … perfect." I was not one to ponder over bridal fashion, but I could only think that it was just perfect. If I got married I would let her dress me, no questions asked. But I wasn't going to tell her that just yet.

"You think he'll like it?" She asked timidly.

"He'll love it… I think is cute how after what is it? Seven years? You still get nervous about him liking how you look." I noted.

"It's not all wine and roses you know? So now, you go try on your dress." She ordered me.

I obeyed and came back out seeking help.

"Alice, can you help me with the zipper?" I asked.

"What's this?" She asked from behind me.

"A tattoo Alice… what does it look like?" I replied knowing what she referred to.

"I didn't know you got one. What is it about?"

"Nothing… something about Edward and me." I said unwilling to go into details.

"Well… I'm glad it's not in a place it'll be showing. Thank you." Her concern made me laugh.

"That's exactly what I told the tattoo artist 'Just not anywhere where it'll show and I end up ruining Alice's wedding.'"

"Wow… Have I been such a bridezilla?" She asked worried.

"No… a little obsessed maybe… but I can see how it's your wedding and you just want it to be perfect." I said trying to fix what my big mouth had done.

"Ah… I don't know… I got into the whole thing because it was the thing to do… And yes… maybe I got too caught up in it. But you know what? I want the marriage… I want a marriage with Jasper and I don't care if the cake is from Walmart or if I mess up my vows. I rather everything is perfect and nice, but at the end of the day, I want him to be my husband and I want to be his wife." She said sitting down on the little couch and looking up to see me.

"I … think I'm a little less cynical just now… That was really nice… I hope you say that in your vows." I said humbled by my friend.

"So that means you'll marry Edward?" She asked, and I had to think for a bit before answering.

"I think we have ruined each other for anyone else." I admitted.

"Just don't say that in _your_ vows." She said chuckling.

"I know… not too romantic. I guess I don't see a future without him… and yes… I'd marry him, but we've been so close and shared so much that I feel somehow tied to him for life. I think tough, that he thinks I never want to get married."

And I very well knew I was the one to blame for that.

"Why you say that?"

"Because for him I'm this wild horse that is untamable. And because of my bravado, and all the shit I say… But let's stop talking about me, when we should be talking about you."

I remembered I had just vowed that very morning to stop over thinking and lived for once, and so I needed to change the topic:

"So, when am I supposed to ask you if you're sure about this thing and say it's not too late to flee?"

"Bachelorette party?" She offered.

"Are you having one of those?" I asked stupidly.

"Did you forget about it? You're supposed to plan it! I swear if you and Rose forgot, you'll really see a bridezilla."

"I'm kidding of course we have planned it." And inside I prayed for Rose to be more intelligent than me. "But seriously if you're not sure, I'll drive, we'll head for the border, and if the police catches up we can jump off a cliff holding hands."

"Only if I get to be Thelma… Love you hon." She said getting up to hug me.

"Love you Alice. And… with that, the touchy feely part of the day is taken care of. Let's go see about that cake."

"It's hair and make-up." She reminded me.

"Damn, I was hoping you had forgotten about that one." I said in all honesty.

Soon we had taken care of everything, though Alice wasn't very amused by my suggestions for make-up: either going the KISS route or glam Bowie. I knew I was useless for the errands we were doing, but I also knew my presence was required for support.

What I was really excited about was meeting the guys to see Alice and Jasper's house. That, to me, spoke marriage more than the whole ceremony.

When we arrived they were already waiting for us outside, sitting on the steps of the tiny porch.

"Hey Jasper, are you all excited about becoming Mr. Alice?" I asked as I approached him, and he got up to give me a hug.

"Bella!" Alice scowled at me.

"Leave her alone, I've been Mr. Alice for a while. This time I'm making you a Whitlock." Jasper said amused to Alice. "It's great seeing you Bells." He told me.

"Alice, you look gorgeous." Edward said to my friend instead, wrapping his arms around her.

"Edward, if things don't work with him, I'll give you a call." She said trying to bother Jasper and me.

"You're some friend!" I yelled feigning hurt.

"I'm not letting you go little girl." Jasper said letting go of me and taking her from Edward, dipping her and giving her a Hollywood worthy kiss.

"Mr. Whitlock!" She said in her best Marilyn Monroe impersonation.

"So you're fighting her for me?" Edward asked me.

"You bet your ass. I'm not done with you yet." I responded.

"You know how to make a guy all gooey inside." He said amused by our different romantic styles. "Okay… Let's go see this house."

Jasper and Alice unlocked the door and opened it for us

"So welcome to our very humble, very unfurnished abode." Jasper said inviting us in.

"It's nice." I commented.

"It's small and horribly wallpapered, but it will be nice." Alice added, trying to make up for what she thought were the place's obvious flaws. I could see its past, it was worn yes, but someone had lived there before and I hoped they had been very happy.

"It's solid, looks like a very good structure. I think you guys did good." Edward said inspecting the walls and beams.

I felt proud.

"So you think it has potential?" Jasper asked.

"I think you can do a lot with it, you can open it up, and instead of these narrow doors, you can have archways."

"Let's go upstairs and we'll show you the bedrooms." Alice invited us.

"So this one is the master bedroom and that way there are two small ones." Jasper directed us.

"I'm impressed. I can't believe you guys have a house. I still feel like a little girl." I said in all honesty.

"That's because you're short _and_ immature." Edward said joking. Alice and Jasper looked at us amused, knowing our secret love code.

"Whatever." I said with a smile.

We heard the doorbell ring.

"Seems like someone is at the door. It's probably the neighbors. Alice you mind coming with me? See you in a bit guys." Jasper informed us.

"This is amazing, isn't it? I love this view." I said looking out of the bay window.

"I certainly love my view." He said from behind me.

"What are you doing?" I said turning back to fell him take me in his arms.

"If you don't know, you're going to have a real eye opener tonight." He threatened.

"And now, who's the tease?"

"So what do you think of this?"

"It's remarkable." I said.

"Do you see us doing this?" He said letting go and looking around.

"Well, if I'm going to be fighting you about the mortgage in thirty years, you better build me a worthwhile house."

"Do I really need to remind you I don't build houses?" He smiled at my annoying inside joke.

"Well, I'm not going to live in a piece of paper, you so better find the way to build it."

My silliness amused him.

"But will you want the whole thing?"

I knew what he was really asking. And for once I chose not to be difficult.

"Again, if I'll be fighting you over the mortgage, I want the house, the backyard, the kids, the dog, the sexual frustration and even the stupid Volvo in the driveway. Happy?"

"Yeah… I'll try for everything, but the sexual frustration." He replied coming back to hold me.

"What are you going to do to avoid that?" I asked.

"I'll have to give you a preview tonight."

"So you want to marry me now?" I asked instead.

"It's not a proposal Swan, don't get your panties in a bunch."

"Who said I'm wearing any?" I hinted, very aware I was lying.

But everything was fair in love and war right?

"Now you are really going to regret saying those words." He warned me as he kissed me.

But I highly doubted it.

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

It hadn't been an eye opener.

It hadn't even been mind-blowing.

It had been sweet.

As in 'I was here last night and I will be here tomorrow' type of sweet.

No need to rush, no need to make a statement.

"I like waking up like this." He said against my shoulder.

I knew what he meant.

There was nothing in between.

When you are unencumbered by clothes, there is no place to hide. No way to keep anything a secret.

And yet, I knew we were keeping things form each other, no skeletons in the closet, but things still left unsaid.

"A penny for your thoughts." He proposed a deal.

"How do you know I'm thinking?"

"You are always thinking." Just by the sound of his voice I knew he smiled.

"And you don't do that often do you?" I teased.

"I don't dwell on things."

"I see… I wasn't really thinking anything important." I lied.

"I only have one thought in my mind right now." He informed me.

"And what is that?"

"That you are mine."

"Possessive much?" I mocked.

"I guess this would be the wrong time then, to ask what you guys are doing for the bachelorette party."

"Yes that would be a mistake." I said knowing where his mind was going.

"Just be careful, okay?"

"Always… But I have no idea what we're doing. Rose arranged everything. Now, to continue with the double standard, may I ask where are you going? Do I even want to know?"

"I'll just put it this way: do you think I'd do something bad in the company of _your_ jealous brother?" He asked, the reference not lost on me.

"He's probably more jealous of you than he is of me."

"The number of times he's wanted to kick my ass for hurting you begs to differ."

"Anyways, when is Em arriving?" I asked.

"I believe they were arriving first thing in the morning, so they may have even landed already."

"Alright then, I'm going to shower." I said forcing me to leave the warmth of the bed to get going with a day that was undoubtedly going to be long.

"You need it, you smell like me… And I think I like it." Edward teased smelling my skin.

"Edward…" I called his name once I had sat up and I turned to face him for the first time that morning, making sure he'd see only the insinuation of my bare breasts.

"Yes?"

"Just don't come home covered in glitter." I warned him with my most seductive smile as I got up and walked to the bathroom.

"I won't." He promised and I felt his eyes on me.

After showering, getting ready and having breakfast, I was getting impatient for Emmett and Rosalie to arrive. I was more than grateful that Rose had already planned something special for Alice since I had completely forgotten about it. The only real thing I had put any real effort in for the wedding was my speech, and nothing else.

A little later Emmett and Rose had arrived and also Jasper and Alice. The boys had already left to do God only knows what, and in turn Rose was informing us of our own plans.

"So what are we going to be doing?" I asked as we sat around in the kitchen.

"I love that you have no idea Bella, since you were supposed to be planning it." Alice scolded me making me feel a little guilty.

"Sorry Alice, but I'm sure Rose did a far better job."

"We'll spend the day being pampered at a day spa, then we'll get all dolled up and a driver will come to get us. And for the main event I have a surprise… nothing for you two to worry about." Rose informed us.

"But we're not going to do the clichéd bachelorette bar crawl right? I'd hate to be one of those drunk and sluttish girls…" I said remembering my bad experiences encountering such girl groups in the past.

"Are you going to be the prude one?" Alice asked completely shocked.

"No. I just don't want to get shit faced. You see, right now I am in a point in my life that if I get wasted, I'll make sure to hate myself for all the stuff I've done wrong in the past five years." I answered in all honesty since I feared my capacity for self-loathe. That plus a hangover spelled misery.

"I just hope I don't end up drunk dialing." Alice said thinking of her own common drunken mistake.

"Really? After seven years you have someone to drunk-dial who is not your fiancé? Who is it? Your junior high boyfriend?" Rose mocked her.

"Be nice Rose, it's supposed to be my day." She reminded her.

"So, what about you Rose, what do you fear the most about drunken Rosalie?" I asked tickled by the mental image.

"Well… Not that it happens often but… I like dancing… a lot… and it's not always pretty."

"This is going to be an interesting night." I said grinning. "So who is going to make sure we don't do anything we might regret?"

"Well deal with that later, let's hit the spa now." Rose said getting the ball rolling.

Even though it wasn't something I'd normally do, I really enjoyed the treatments and the relaxation at the spa, I hadn't noticed just how tense I had been until I had been massaged and all the knots in my body eased away.

"This definitely feels good. My muscles were so achy." I declared.

We were lying side by side wrapped in some earthly material with a pompous name; our faces taut by a hardening exfoliating concoction and cucumber slices covering our eyes.

"What have _you_ been doing Isabella Swan?" Alice snickered.

"They're sore from tension, please get your mind out of the gutter." I scolded her.

"So what's got you all tense?" Rose asked then, they were really ganging up on me.

"Stuff…" I said, and I realized I should have had them joke about it being from some acrobatic sexual act, than actually sharing the reason why I had been stressing.

"Care to elaborate?" Alice doubled her efforts.

"Not really… you know Alice? This is supposed to be about you. Your day to be the center of attention."

"Wrong. It's a day for our bonding and I detect you are not very willing to share." Alice pointed out at my hesitation.

"It is because we are not her _best friend_…" Rose pretended to explain something very important to Alice. "The one she's been sleeping with, you know?... And therefore not talking to…"

"_You_ are my _best friends_. Thank you very much Rose." I said in turn.

"Second only to the mighty Edward." Alice pointed out.

"You are _hilarious_." I responded.

"Not so exciting when you're not the one taunting right?" Rose called attention to how badly I was taking their mockery.

"I know… The mighty karma coming to bite me in the ass." I was always happy to point out my own flaws, and laugh at them before anyone could hurt me. This time, however, I wasn't really being hurt, but I was definitely bothered.

"So you're not going to tell us? We have relationships too you know… We might even know a thing or two." Rose reminded me.

"Getting married here." Alice announced, and even though I wasn't looking, I could swear she was pointing at herself despite the fact that we all were blindfolded with cucumber. It was just an Alice thing to do.

"And contrary to the object of your desire _and_ frustration, we are women, therefore on your side." Rose added.

"You have a point… Okay then, I have a question for you. What has been the biggest thing you have been willing to sacrifice for the sake of your relationship?" I asked.

"Oh dear grasshopper!" Alice said quite loudly, making me smile when I heard an unknown voice shush her, evidently bothered by her disruption of the tranquility of the spa.

"Are you sure you don't want to tell us about a _friend_ of yours that has a _certain_ problem?" Rose joked.

"Just answer the question." I said exasperated.

"I have to think about it… I have sat through a number of long and boring sport events." Alice said.

"That's not really what I meant… I think… something more along the lines of letting something slide… even when you're not sure you want to do that." It was getting really difficult to explain myself without actually saying what I meant.

"Bella… I'm sorry to burst your bubble honey, but every relationship entails compromise. I really can't think of something in particular because there are so many things that both parts compromise on, that it becomes irrelevant. I'm sure if you ask Emmett he'll tell you a number of things he's had to renounce to, for the sake of our relationship, just as I have." Rose had no trouble letting me know how it was. "Your problem is that the two of you are so alike in many ways, that you haven't really compromised much. And now that you are starting it feels like it's a lot."

"Why don't you just let us know what it is you are going through?" Alice asked me.

"I decided to let bygones be bygones, but there still things about our past that I can't let go of." I admitted.

"Why did you make the decision to let that go, if you are not convinced then?" Rose asked pointing out the incoherence between my decisions and my actions.

"Because I don't want to sabotage my relationship." I confessed.

"Just don't cheat yourself as well. Being willing to sacrifice something is a sign of a certain level of maturity, but you can't give up on everything that makes you who you are, or the principles that are important to you." Rose said.

"Listen honey, sometimes it is okay to act like a girlfriend instead of a friend." Alice said knowing what the big issue was with us.

"I know… we have a very vicious relationship. I appreciate that… Now let's get to the fun part of today, okay?" I asked unwilling to let myself feel down.

"That sounds good." Alice agreed.

Later that day when we were rubbed, massaged, steamed, detoxified, exfoliated, plucked, waxed, rinsed, moisturized, styled and made up; we were then ready to drink until we had beer bellies, dance our feet to blisters, flirt to embarrassment, yell until we lost our voices, gossip and mock unashamedly, sweat 'til we stank and stay awake until all the work at the spa was rendered useless.

In the limo I was actually in good spirits willing, not to drink my worries to oblivion, but definitely to sing and dance my heart out.

"Okay, so were are we heading now?" I asked.

"We just have to pick up one more partygoer and then I'll tell you where we're going." Rose informed us.

The limo stopped at the hotel where Alice wedding was to take place and the door opened to a dashing Patrick.

"No fucking way!" I yelled.

"Patrick!" Alice squealed.

"Ladies…" He said hoping in.

"This is such a cool surprise Rose!" Alice was really excited.

"It feels so good to be this appreciated. You are all looking fab, all dressed up to the nines, even you dear Quasimodo." Patrick declared taking a good look at the three of us and making fun of me with one of his usual nicknames.

"Always a pleasure Pats." I replied.

"How's the PG-rated romance?" He asked me.

"Going well Patrick." I responded unwilling to give him more information.

"You little minx! I can see it in your eyes." He said smiling sardonically.

"I'm not going to honor that with a reply."

"Okay, so where are we going?" Alice asked.

"Patrick, want to do the honors?" Rosalie asked him.

"In what sort of place, the four of us can have the most delicious looking men with renaissance-like sculpted bodies dance to our amusement? Where can we dance until we drop and drink yummy colorful drinks? And where can you, dear Alice, fall through the rabbit hole to a wonderland where you are the life of the party and people can't wait to hear about your fabulous wedding?"

"I know where this is going." I said shaking my head.

"I know, I know!" Alice tried to answered with excitement "What is a gay bar?!"

"You are indeed correct little lady. Izzie tell her what she's won."

"You get to see Patrick stick his tongue down a stranger's throat, while you are ignored… Though I must admit, sometimes the scene is surprisingly arousing." I said recalling a few nights of debauchery with Patrick.

"Oh, shut up… Tonight is Alice's night. I wouldn't do that… in front of you guys." He said putting his arms around Alice and me, while Rose sat across amused.

"And of course you'll sacrifice yourself coming with us, right Pats?" Rose asked.

"It's a dirty old job, but who better than me to escort these lovely girls?" He said.

"Let's hit it then." Alice said with decision.

Once inside of the bar the music was so rhythmic it was almost impossible not to dance as we walked in.

"Oh look at all these scrumptiously chiseled bodies twirl." Patrick pointed out to us.

"Let's get you some bevvies for everybody." He said walking over to the bar.

Soon enough we were all holding exotic and colorful fruity martinis.

"Here's looking at you!" Patrick said holding his drink up towards Alice.

"Cheers." We all toasted.

"Alice" I said "you are and amazing person, and I know you'll be making Jasper a very happy man… But I expect him to make you a very happy woman or I will be kicking his ass."

After a few rounds of toasts we were ready to let our hair down.

"Okay, let's boogie." Patrick announced leading us to the dance floor.

Hours later we were all back in the limo, buzzed and, even though exhausted, still quite enthusiastic.

"That was seriously an amazing night." Alice said. "Thank you guys."

"I can't feel my feet anymore." Rose informed us.

"Patrick I'm amazed you are not staying with all those beddable blokes here." I said making fun of him.

"I got to keep the a respectful aura when I'm socializing with an employee." He commented.

"Give me a break, I've seen you grinding your pelvis against everything that moves in the dance floor more times that I'd like." I reminded him.

"And I've seen almost all of your bits and pieces. But you don't see me blabbing about it."

"That is because you and Elyse keep barging in my house unannounced." I said.

"Are we drunk enough to play truth or dare?" Alice asked.

"I'm not playing truth or dare, someone always ends up crying." I declared.

"You are so not fun, you old fuddy duddy." Patrick said pointing his finger at me.

"Fine. I'm buzzed enough." I said.

"And not to let the buzz die, we have here a lovely bubbly." He said pouring a few glasses and passing them along.

Receiving her glass, Alice asked:

"Okay, what's the kinkiest thing you have all done?"

"You mean hottest or most embarrassing?" I asked very aware of the difference.

"Take your pick." Alice replied.

"Patrick, you go first." Rose commanded him.

"I'm not going to get into details because a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell… but what the hell, my chest is not a vault… It included a mildly famous footballer _and_ his wife… I think that qualifies as the hottest and the most embarrassing."

"Alice?" Rose asked.

"We taped ourselves." She responded quite nonchalantly.

"Oh shit there's an Alice sex tape?" I asked really wondering if I was really the prudish one there.

"No… we taped over it… it was quite the disappointment of a life time." She confessed.

"Rosie?" Patrick asked her.

"I don't think I want to hear this, it's my brother…" I said covering my ears.

"Well, it didn't stop you bedding the other guy you grew up with." Rose said making me wince.

"Okay, hit me." I said.

"Okay… Role-playing… Your brother has quite a thing for… acting." She said looking out the window.

"Great, thanks for the mental image." I said wondering if the whole Shakespeare scenes they did in high school had anything to do with it.

"Izzie dear?" Patrick asked me.

"You want the most embarrassing? I'll tell you." I said, decided to get it over with as fast as I could. "I bought the girliest and pinkest lingerie set I could find… matching heels and everything, for Edward's birthday a few years ago… And I fell, badly, on my butt… It was the most embarrassing moment of my life… The bruising lasted for weeks. Edward laughed his ass off. Not really the reaction I was going for."

"And the hottest?" Rose was the only one who was able to control her laughter to ask.

"Who said the outfit didn't do the trick?" I admitted with a wicked smile.

"Okay ladies, this is my stop." Patrick announced when we reached the hotel. "Alice, Rose, it was a pleasure. Izzie, I expect none of this to make it back to work."

"What happens in my hometown stays in my mind to haunt you." I said grinning.

"You cheeky little monkey." He responded wagging his finger at me.

He headed then for my house, and it turned out I was the soberest of the three, so I made sure of putting them both to bed in mine and Emmett's room. Esme and Carlisle had gone to bed and the guys were not yet back. I looked at my watch and noticed it was past four, so I changed my clothes for one of Edward's t-shirts and sweat pants, and decided to go to the upper deck to wait for sunrise.

I had been there for a while when the door opened and I turned to see Emmett coming out.

"Do you mind if I join you?" He asked me as standing next to me.

"Are you going to tell me how much my life is fucked up?" I asked smiling.

"No." He said looking down making me feel guilty for joking about it.

"Then by all means sit down." I told him as I pulled his arm down.

"You're still mad at me?" He asked.

"No. Are you mad at me?" I asked in return.

"No. And I'm sorry, I didn't handle things right." He admitted.

"I understand where you were coming from… I still think you were an ass… but I understand… And thank you…"

"What for?" Emmett asked.

"Because I know that whatever prompted you to act like that was purely out of love."

"You don't need to thank me… And yes, I did what I did because I love you." He said rubbing my back a little.

"Are you okay? You don't need to go to bed?" I asked remembering he had just flown in earlier that day… Or was it the day before?

"I'm fine. I slept in the plane, and I didn't do a lot of drinking. Jasper did most of it."

"Do I want to know where you guys were?" I asked in apprehension.

"Your boy was good." He replied with a smile.

"I trust him. Where is he anyway?"

"He went to drop Jasper off, he's really going to have a hangover."

"Em… I wanted to tell you something… you are not stupid, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way… I think I tend to do that to people." I apologized finally getting a weight off me.

"It's okay. I know that at times I've been jealous of how close you guys are… though not now that you are _that_ close." He said. "I mean in the brotherly way."

"I love you too." I told him amused of how much he over explained himself.

"And I don't think you are immature and rash. You are spontaneous, but I don't think that is a bad thing." It was his turn to apologize.

"Well, I have managed to drag Edward along with me." I said still acknowledging what he had implied that fateful afternoon at the coffee shop.

"He's a grown man, he's made his choices." Emmett said.

"Em… how was him … when I left?" I asked braving myself to finally hear about it.

"He withdrew a lot… Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Yes" I admitted.

"Well, he rarely spoke to me, kept to himself a lot… rarely went out."

"That sounds like how he was before I left." I said looking forward now.

"I always thought that it was because of the breakup."

"He pulled away from me long before that Em. He shut me out." I couldn't believe I was letting that out, but that moment, with Emmett seemed like the right moment, he made me feel like I could finally share it with someone.

"What made him do that?"

"I wish I knew." I said feeling my eyes well a bit, but I let the cool air push the emotion back in.

"Have you asked him?"

"A lot, but we only end up fighting. I can't force him to tell me. I don't want him with me because I force him to, or to trust me just because he is supposed to tell me everything, because we're supposed to be best friends. I decided to let go and wait to see if he wants to tell me."

"You want me to kick his ass?" Emmett asked and I could see he was only half joking.

"No. But I'll keep you posted." I said turning to give him a half smile.

"He can really be an ass."

"I'm sorry I left and hurt him." I said.

"Hey, I cared about you too, but you went away."

"I left him, not you." I said turning and placing my hand on his arm.

"But it wasn't the same. I know you kept in touch but you withdrew as well. And it hurt me a lot to lose you both." He said covering my hand with his.

"I'm sorry about all that."

We smiled at each other and acknowledged silently a lot of unresolved feelings and misunderstandings.

"Was my baby good tonight?" Emmett asked changing the subject and letting go of my hand.

"She was really good. She talked about you a lot… more than I wanted to know actually… I hear you are quite the thespian."

"Do I want to know what you mean?" He asked.

"Not really… I actually wish I didn't know." I smiled at the memory.

"She's the one Bells… I feel like I'm in a pivotal moment of my life." I must have raised my eyebrow because he continued: "Yes, I can say words like 'pivotal'"

"Sorry. I don't mean to look down on you. If anything, I look up… So you got a ring?"

"Ring? Ah… no, not yet." He admitted.

"I thought you talked about it with Edward."

"He told you that?"

"I've tried to get him to tell me but he hasn't really." I admitted.

"And it is eating you up not knowing what we talked about." He declared nodding.

"A little, but I rather him talk about the other stuff. That one I can live without knowing."

"Sometimes it's better to let things come to you, you know?"

"He did say rings were mentioned." I commented trying to fish for more information.

"Ah… yeah…" It was all he said about it though.

"I'll help you pick Rose's out." I promised.

"Excuse me, but _I_ will pick out the ring for _my woman_."

"You Cullen guys are real cave men." I said tickled at the reaction: one that I knew well.

"I beg you pardon? I was brought up well."

"You were, you are quite a gentleman. One that can be the man when it's needed, better?"

"Mom did a good job raising us."

He started laughing uncontrollably confusing me.

"What's so funny? I thought you weren't drunk."

"I just remember something Mom used to tell us to avoid us thinking of girls as objects."

"What was that?" I asked intrigued.

"She used to say 'Be the men you'd like your sister to date.'… And… and… I think he took it rather literal." He said losing it again.

We were both laughing hysterically.

Edward came then to join us.

"What's wrong with you two?" He asked probably suspecting he was the butt of our jokes.

"Nothing…" Emmett said as Edward came to sit behind me, pulling me in between his legs and wrapping me in his arms.

"Hey there baby." He said on my ear.

"Hello _handsome_." I said uninhibited by my buzz.

"You're drunk?" He asked.

"Nah… Just slightly buzzed." I replied.

"Go me." Edward added.

"Would you two want some space? I can always go find Rose." Emmett said jokingly.

"She's out like a light on your bed by the way." I let him know. "But don't leave, it'll be nice seeing the sunrise all three together."

"Like old times." Edward added.

"Like old times. Plus you cuddling." Emmet said.

"We can all cuddle." I said pulling him to us.

And we were there pushing each other and laughing like we used to when were ten.


	18. Chapter 18

_**I'm leaving your music recommendations for next chapter, for this one I'm only giving you one poetry recommendation instead. I believe it will help understand what was going through Bella's mind when their relationship was not working. It is "I'm too close for him" by Wislawa Szymborska.**_

_**You can easily find it online.**_

* * *

I took my place at the entrance of the flower-saturated church waiting for the moment we'd walk down the aisle. Rosalie stood behind me and after her an ecstatic Alice held on to her father's arm.

After having ushered a number of important people to their seats Emmet took his place next to Rose and Edward came to stand next to me.

"You're not half bad when done properly." I said looking at him.

"You're one to talk." He replied checking me out.

"You don't like how snazzy I look?" I said looking myself down to my burgundy dress and matching color high heel sandals. As we had decided, mine had very thin straps while Rose's was strapless.

"You look really nice. How did you manage to get that necklace out of the Tower of London by the way?" He said pointing at my over the top faux pearl necklace. It started as a choker and continued in multiple rows until it hanged over my chest.

"Do you like it? Alice told me that I was allowed to show my whimsical personality through accessories only. So I decided to match Rose's choice of pearls with this one, I think it's a nice compromise." I said quite proud.

"Your concept of compromise amazes me every time." He commented with a devious smile.

"Hey… You just don't know how much I have been willing to compromise lately."

"Are you trying to tell me something?" He said frowning slightly.

"No. The new and improved me is not petty." I said looking at the yellow calla lily bouquet I held.

"Have I been introduced to the new and improved you yet?" He asked looking forward.

"Who do you think has been letting you win arguments lately?" I said looking up to him.

"I have been wining arguments?"

"Are we even capable of having conversations that are not just a series of questions?" I asked.

"You do realize the irony of you stating that in question form right?" He asked in turn.

"Stop it!" I yelled to stop him and myself.

"I can't. It's way too ingrained in my head." He chuckled.

"Maybe we should focus on other things for now." I said.

"Guys, we're ready to start walking." Rose said from behind us.

"You better not make faces at me Cullen." I warned Edward. "Or you Em!" I said turning back and pointing at him.

"It's not ladylike to point Bella. So match your outfit and behave today please." My brother told me. I would have had a comeback but the processional music had started. We walked down the aisle to meet a very nervous but very smiley Jasper, his eyes fixated on his prize, just behind us.

I've never been one to enjoy weddings, and yet this one the first one where I was so close to the couple getting married… And I meant it figuratively and literally. It was almost voyeuristic how close we were to them, I could see the little gestures and glances. I was even able to see the little push when the ring caught on Jasper's knuckle.

The scene unraveling before my eyes humbled me deeply, it felt almost wrong to have the whole church watching their every move.

This was a ritual for two.

And very quickly it had ended, and Jasper kissed his bride and lifted a fist in sign of victory.

After walking back to the front of the church we all congratulated the newlyweds, just before forming a line to greet guests.

"Hey Alice, now that you are married. Is the pregnancy ban over?" Edward joked about.

"I guess it has been lifted, I wonder if we should take bets." Alice responded.

"You are not getting me pregnant, so don't get ideas." I warned Edward.

"Not tonight." He replied with a grin.

Once we were at the reception hall, I was blown away by the size of the party. I guess that if you get married in your hometown is more likely that you end up inviting every person you came in contact throughout your life.

"I can't believe how many people got invited. I think probably everyone from high school is here. Not that I remember names anyway." Edward noted.

"Is that Sean Lake?" I asked.

"I guess he peaked in high school. Looks like he got married, or he is into pregnant chicks, given his date's condition. Is she that girl he went out back in school?" Edward commented pointing at a guy who looked like he had aged five to ten more years than we had since graduation.

"Could be, she looks familiar, though there were so many of them… By the way, guess who I saw in the ladies room?" I asked.

"Eddie Vedder?" He guessed amused.

"Really? In the ladies room?" I asked annoyed but also considering how that meeting could have gone.

"It was a wild guess." He used as a defense. "Besides, that is the kind of idiotic question people ask instead of just coming out and saying what they are thinking."

"I saw Abigail." I said cutting him off.

"Who?"

"Please… I can't believe you forgot her. Remember the Karen debacle?" I said refreshing his memory.

"Oh, that Abigail!"

"Yes, _that_ Abigail."

"You know what? I'll go get Emmett, Lake and Abigail, and then I could buy a drink to every person that has gotten me laid."

"You're funny… First, Emmett _almost_ got your laid. Second it's an open bar. And third _I_ have gotten you laid almost every frigging time!"

"I guess you deserve a drink then. Champagne?" he said fishing one glass from a passing server.

"Smooth." I said accepting it and taking a sip.

"I'll get you another one tonight if you get me laid once more." And his line actually got me to smile. "Hold that thought while I go get myself something to drink. You need anything else?"

"No. I think I'll go try to find Patrick to say hi." I said scanning the room.

"I think I saw him before, who's his date?"

"I'm not sure, but it looked like someone he met during the bachelorette party."

"I'm going to try not to picture it."

"You asked." I reminded him.

"Okay, I'll see you in a moment."

While I continued scanning the crowd I suddenly found myself facing Sean Lake, and he was too close for my comfort.

"Look at you Swan, you really grew into your looks, and you don't look quite as freakish anymore." He said with a grin that repulsed me.

"Watch it Lake, I still have the same charming personality." I warned.

"I always thought you were a firecracker." Sean said as he reached for the strand of faux pearls that hanged loose from my neck.

"This is pretty." He said faking interest on my choice of accessories.

"Hands off my _wife_ Lake." Edward said with decision, shocking Lake and me in he process, but I had learned to improvise and follow his lead.

"So you married her after all. I would have thought you had dodged that bullet." He said trying to bother us both.

"And I thought you would have grown a brain… I guess life's a bitch ain't it Lake?" I got back at him.

"You still let her fight your battles Cullen?" He told Edward completely ignoring me. I could see he got to him, since his hands were tight in fists.

"Why don't you introduce us to the Mrs., Sean? I can see you went ahead and decided to pollute the gene pool after all." I asked trying to divert the attention.

"You got hot but you are just as bitchy." He said annoyed.

"Don't talk to her like that." Edward said fuming.

"Lake, your wife is approaching, so you may want to go back to your best behavior." I said noticing the heavily pregnant woman getting closer.

"I can see you still get mental when someone even approaches Swan." He said to Edward. "I would have made you quite happy _honey_ if he hadn't interfered." He said turning to me.

"Like I would have liked it. Guess what? I like freaky sex with him. Now who do you think got luckier?" I asked trying to bother him. He would have kept trying to offend me, but suddenly his wife was getting hold of his arm, I felt bad for her having to live with someone as vile as Sean Lake. I wonder if he was completely different at home.

"Honey? Let me introduce you to some _friends_ from high school." He said to his wife.

I mouthed the word 'friends?' in shock prompting Edward to mouth back 'I know!'

"Hi, I'm Edward and this is my wife Bella." He said putting a hand around my waist.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Laura. So you were friends with Sean?" She asked and even though she looked tired and worn by the pregnancy, I thought that she was beautiful. No matter the fact that she was married to Lake and carried his devil seed, she was surely a woman in love.

"The best." Edward answered continuing the charade.

"Do you have any children?" She asked.

"Yes, little Poe is at home with the sitter." I answered.

"And another one in the way." Edward said placing his palm on my abdomen. "How far along are you _honey_? Four months?" He threw me a curveball with that one, and it took me a little to recover.

"Wow, you look amazing then! I was already huge by four." She said looking at me.

"I guess I'm lucky…" It was all I could come up with. "When are you due?"

"In a month or so."

"Wow! Congratulations. It must be exciting." I said recognizing the superhuman effort this woman was performing that was obviously being overlook by everybody else.

"Well, you probably know about it." She said, and it took me a second to realize my mistake.

"Ah… of course, you tend to forget, _preggo_ brain you know?" I commented trying to cover my error.

"Tell me about it." She said thinking she had found a kindred spirit in me.

"Which reminds me, you probably shouldn't be drinking." Edward said snatching the champagne from my hand.

"Okay, it was nice to see you." Sean said taking his wife again, probably afraid of us breaking his marital fantasy.

"That was cruel." I said getting my glass back.

"You almost dropped the ball right there _honey_." He complained.

"I didn't have time to prepare." I responded bothered by the criticism.

"I thought you were always ready for me." He said with a smile.

At the time for us to give our speeches, Edward did a good job delivering one with the perfect mix of humor and sappiness. I worried that mine wasn't going to be good and appropriate, but I reminded myself that what I had written had been for Alice and Jasper only. I wasn't going to care about the crowd. I got up when my name was announced and grabbed the mike with my right hand.

"I've been thinking about these two here ever since Alice asked me to write this. I thought long and hard about their history and it really makes you wonder how they knew that they'd make it here… But just a few days ago I realized just how much Alice loves Jasper when she asked me, dressed in her beautiful wedding gown, if I thought he'd like it… So do you like it man?" I asked turning to Jasper.

"Hell yeah!" He yelled back at me raising his glass, and making Alice giggle like a teenager.

"That's what I thought… Well, Alice asked me with such excitement and nervousness that I couldn't believe that after the number of years they've been together she could look like a teenager excited about going on a first date with her crush.

She may make fun of having a crystal ball, and I _hate_ that she is so confident about things always working out in the end… but don't let that fool you… I'm in awe, not because their love is so stable and their past is so intricate, but because they are not afraid of going forward and of have faith in their relationship. They amaze me not because they have proof of the outcome, but because they are willing to fly blindly.

Alice told me that same day that she didn't care if the cake was from Walmart… it's not don't worry." I smiled reassuring the guests. "Or if she messed up her vows, which she did, but we all know that Jasper is not her _awful_ wedded husband. But she wanted a marriage, a life alongside him.

Guys…" I said turning to them "I love you so much and I don't need to wish you happiness… I wish for me to have the perseverance and the faith you have in each other… And the only thing I can really tell you, the only advice I have is for you to celebrate your love… Just celebrate each other…" I took a second to breath and prepare for my ending. "Tonight… Celebrate… Have a big old celebration…" As I had expected five people in the room started laughing. "Celebrate like there is no tomorrow…" By now I could hear Emmett losing it as I saw both Jasper and Alice blushing as they laughed. "Just celebrate yourselves over and over…" By now more people had joined in the laughing, getting the meaning of my words. "And every day and every night… Just don't let a day go uncelebrated… Thank you!" I said and sat down as glasses were being raised to drink to the "celebration".

* * *

"You look beautiful honey." Carlisle said to me as we danced to a slow song.

"Thank you, you don't look bad either Dr. Cullen." I replied happy.

"Looking at Alice come down the aisle, I couldn't avoid thinking about walking you down the aisle one day. I'll be honored if you let me do it on behalf of Charlie."

His words got to me.

"I wouldn't have it any other way… Though I don't know if you'll have to wait a long time for it." I said trying to lighten the conversation.

"Sweetheart, you are an amazing young woman and it has been a pleasure to be around to help you grow up. And I think I know a guy who'd be more than happy to make sure I get to give you away." The last part he said looking over to where Edward danced with Esme.

"But don't worry, you won't be losing me. If the aforementioned guy wants to marry me, you won't lose a daughter, you'll win a daughter." I said with a joke.

"You can joke dear, but I think it is more near future than hypothetical… I think he's quite crazy about you… I think he's always been."

"Oh, you know how it is… You take a guy's innocence and let him knock you up and then he wants to build you a house." I said unaware that Esme and Edward were now dancing quite close to us.

"For the last time Swan… I'm not a builder, you want one? Marry one." Edward said as they stopped dancing.

"Honey." Carlisle said taking over his wife. "Let's dance a little now, I think the kids have things to settle. And anyways, I suspect we'll be doing some 'celebrating' of our own tonight." He said taking a very amused and giggly Esme away.

"Okay, _that_ is disturbing." Edward said wrapping his arms around me.

The party had been beautiful and it lasted long, but as everything it had to end. As it winded down I noticed Edward had slowly became silent, in particular when Sean Lake had left, shooting a snickering look at us.

In the elevator, going up to our room, Edward was still silent, and even though he held my hand, I couldn't avoid thinking that it felt a little dead.

"What is wrong with you? You've been quiet." I asked.

"Nothing." He said swiping our key card and going inside.

"Did I do anything to bother you?" I dared to ask as I saw him take off his jacket and tie.

"No you didn't. It's fine. Just let it go." He said untucking his shirt and taking off his shoes and socks. I got off my heels, suddenly becoming very aware of how numb my feet were.

"I just don't understand why the sudden change." I said as I reached for the clasp of my necklace, taking it off and setting it on the table.

"You really don't understand the concept of letting go." He said turning to face me.

"I'm just concerned." I said as I took out the number of pins that kept my hair up. Soon my hair cascaded down to my shoulders.

"And I thought you were going to get off my back when I din't feel like talking."

"No you jerk, I gave up on asking about our past for the sake of our relationship." I was getting mad. "That doesn't mean that I'm not going to worry about you." I said lifting my chain unwilling to back down.

"And I'm telling you I'm fine, I don't know why you just can't drop it." He declared defiantly.

"Because it doesn't work the way you'd want it to work… I can't be at your disposal whenever you need me and then go away when it's not convenient anymore… I'm sorry but you have to decide what is it that I am to you, because right now, I'm not your girlfriend not your friend, and I won't be until you let me in."

"You want to know what got me like this? It bothered me what Lake said."

"Why? He mainly made fun at me." I asked.

"It's just the implication, it's the same stupid implication." He said looking away. The way he was acting gave me a hint of what had bothered him.

"What, that you are whipped? Really? In case you haven't been in this relationship, it's not like it. If anything, it's the complete opposite." I replied flabbergasted that he could let that implication bother him so.

"I know… But it got me thinking."

"About what?"

"About before. About what I was going through before you left." He said. I couldn't believe he was going to finally share that with me.

"Really? You won't open up to me, but that asshole comes along and then you are willing to talk?"

"I didn't share it with him, okay? You are the one pestering me to tell you what's going on in my head."

"I'm not pestering you about that. I'm concerned about you being so affected. In case that you don't realize it, that is a normal loving reaction of someone that cares for you. So are you going to finally tell me then?"

"And you are not pushing me right?" The coldness of his words hurt.

"You are bringing it up."

"Is that important to you? Why can't you just be happy?" He asked crossing his arms, his jaw visibly tense.

"I can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. And I'm sorry but let me explain something to you: if you decide to share your life with someone, that actually implies sharing whatever you are going through."

"You are the person I've opened myself the most." He said.

"Then it makes me very sad." I replied.

"What do you want? What else can you possible want? I love you! What else do you want?" I could see him saying whatever he thought I wanted to hear, but my reaction was not the expected one.

"It doesn't mean the same when you say it with hatred you know?" I said controlling my tone, but my anger evident.

That did the trick, and he exploded walking around flailing his arms as he yelled at me.

"You want to share? You want me to tell you that I was depressed? That one day I just couldn't get that awful feeling to go away? That I had no desire to get out of bed? That I just couldn't get the thoughts out of my head?"

"Yes!" I yelled in return. "I wished you could have told me that. I wasn't some girl you were casually dating! For Pete's sake we shared a bed! You were the love of my life! Of course I wanted you to tell me know you were hurting."

"I _was,_ huh?" It really bothered me the word he chose to hear of all I had just said.

"Don't even go there right now. Why wouldn't you let me in?"

"Because I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone to you. Because if I named it then it became real. Because it's not what men do… What do I know? There just was a little pesky idea that got into my head one day and it grew and grew, and suddenly I was analyzing my whole life, and the future seemed so damn heavy." With that he look out of the window into the dark city.

"That's what growing up is like… becoming an adult… I went through it as well, we all did."

"It was more than that. And it eventually blew away… but you were gone by then."

I finally let myself breath deeply, and in that second my heart caught up with the implication of what had just been revealed.

And it ached.

"I wished I had been there with you. I should have stayed, I should have tried harder."

"You did what you needed to do." He said turning back. "Listen, I'm not proud of this, but I started thinking that it all came too easy to me. You came too easy to me."

"I've joked about it Cullen. But really telling a girl she was easy is not considered a good move." I said weakly.

"Just let me speak."

"Fine. I'll give you a recap: I was easy."

"I swear to god. If I didn't feel the way I feel…" He said frustrated once more.

"I'll be good."

"Answer me this: Why did you give yourself to me in the first place?" He asked looking at me with intent eyes.

"What are you talking about? You were there." I said unsure.

"Please humor me. Why did you let me have you?"

"Because…" I really didn't know how to answer that.

"I'll tell you why: one day you thought that the best way to end your fears was just to throw yourself at them… and you chose me… you chose me to give yourself to, to live everything, to experiment everything. You chose me."

"And?" I asked confused.

"And? And I wasn't supposed to stay!" He was pacing again. "I wasn't supposed to be your last, just your first. I was just the means to an end. Don't you see? You never expected it to last, back then at the beginning. If I hadn't gotten you…"

"And why did it matter?" I asked cutting him off.

"It came too easy for me… And I love that you did… But I didn't earn it… I didn't win you over, I didn't fight for you."

"You were my best friend." I said.

"Exactly!" He yelled extending a hand to me. "The one thing I did was be your best friend… but what earned me the title? The joke of my life is the randomness of it all… I kept thinking that one small change and you could have ended up being best friends with Emmett, or with someone else altogether. I'm the disposable part of this relationship."

"That is ridiculous… You never stop to think that I fell in love with you?" I asked, my anger renewed.

"You did… because I was there… because it is me that holds every memory, every secret… because I have always been next to you." He laughed quietly; with that sad laughter people have when they are resigned to their misfortune. "My very first memory already includes you, we were so close… And then we grew and I knew one day it had to change, we couldn't hold on to it forever… we already were each other's security blankets… You have the most amazing personality… I always loved that… You go and you throw yourself head first and think about it later… and you punish yourself later… and I enable you somehow. But the joke is that I was always supposed to be the friend you remembered fondly… You were supposed to keep on going and leave me behind."

"Is this what you believe? I have no say in this? I was so stupid that I couldn't even had made that decision?"

"If I hadn't gotten you pregnant, you wouldn't have ended up with me." He finally said.

"And you never stopped to consider my feelings, did you? It didn't matter that I loved you? You just made the decision for me."

"I'm not saying I was right. You wanted to know what was going in my mind!"

"So I've always been too loud, I've always emasculated you? Is that what you are saying? You couldn't live with me… I was too damn close wasn't I? I was too close for you to miss me. I'm sorry I've always pushed you, I'm sorry you got stuck with me." I could feel my sorrow starting to pool in my eyes.

"Don't you get it? How could I not be your friend? How could I not love you? But me? Me? Have you ever noticed how I make love to you? How I always try to dominate you?

"I actually thought it was because I'm too lazy to do the work." I replied with a weak joke.

"Have you wondered the reasoning behind the stupid territorial shit I pull?" He asked trying to make it evident to me. "I needed to know that you wanted me, because of me, not because I was always around, not because I was the non-threatening male around. I needed to feel that I was your man."

"You are a fucking idiot." I said full of bitterness and I went for the door, hurt by what I finally found out.

How could he not realize what he meant to me? How could he not know how irremediably in love I was with him? How could he doubt I wasn't his? I had given myself to him inside and out.

"No, you are not leaving now." He said reaching for me and grabbing on to my arm forcing me to face him again.

"I think we said enough. I don't want to talk to you right now. Let me go." I said trying to pull myself free.

"No." He replied.

"Let me go damn it!" I said pushing on to his chest.

He pushed me to the wall and kissed me hard instead. This wasn't love, this was all the pent up rage in us. I was mad as hell and I punched him in the chest, but he caught my wrist and pushed it against the wall, and my legs instinctively wrapped themselves around his hips. They knew what to do and were not going to deny the sensations that were brewing in me.

We were both hungry and greedy…

And what we were about to do was everything but love.


	19. Chapter 19

_**I know I took a lot longer to write this one, but I have been busy. On top of that I really wanted to do a good job with it, I out a lot of effort in trying to get it to be what I had planned: poetical and edgy. I wanted it to move you guys and excite you, but without falling into sappiness or vulgarity. You'll let me know if I hit my mark or completely missed it.**_

_**To be honest, I'm not quite happy with it yet, but I feel that if I keep working on it, it will actually get worse and worse.**_

_**I want to thank everyone that has read this and everyone that has reviewed; I cannot believe I've got more than a thousand reviews already. I'm way behind with reviews, I promise I will tonight, but given the list is long, I will reply to those who had a question or commented on something that makes me think something else. To everyone else that just wrote something nice and encouraging, even if it was just the order to go and write more, here I want to say 'thank you thank you thank you'. **_

_**I am not sure if next one is the last one. I guess by now I just want it to end naturally, so it may be next one or the next. I just want it to flow naturally, I won't keep it alive by artificial means, I guess you can call it a DNR.**_

_**Lastly, bear with me, I just didn't want this to make me sick from how many times I've read it trying to get it to be good, so actually the final proofreading may have been a lot sloppier. If you want to point out obvious mistakes I'll be happy to fix them, but right now I just want to get this up to stop feeling like such a procrastinator.**_

_**Music recommendations:**_

'_**All Fall Down' by One Republic from **_**tu es mo name**

_**'Never let this go' and 'Brighter' by Paramore from **_**likeadoll**

_**ps. feel free to PM me if I missed a recommendation or something important. It's getting difficult to keep track with so many reviews. But I'm not complaining :)**_

* * *

On the most awful day (let's say I have horrible cramps, work has been going bad and I find in the morning that I forgot to buy milk) I find that I still smile to the cranky cashier that barks the total and rudely asks if I want cash back.

I get angry when the barista at the snobby coffee shop messes up my order and gives me a macchiato when I wanted a latté, but I'll still smile and say "no problem" when he apologizes.

On rare occasions I'll flip someone off if they have been remarkably nasty, but still, it will take something really bad for me to react in that way, instead of just finding something witty to say.

All those people I don't know and I couldn't care less about their lives, and yet again, I will treat all of them a whole lot better than the man I love.

Him… I can really cut deep.

And he reciprocates just as well…

That night, the one when he didn't let me leave, we both had a thirst for blood.

The explosion of everything unsaid swept us over and I gladly ran with it… wildly and selfishly.

It was the momentum… the product of the mass and velocity of a body in motion.

I had the urge to feel satiated, to rip away from him what I didn't think he'd be willing to offer. I found out that he must have been an extension of my own skin, for my self-destructiveness reached him just as well: I could hate him exactly the way I could hate myself.

Pinned against the wall I decided I was not going to be a butterfly spread and speared for his amusement… Even if falling off from the cliff was our certain destiny, I was going to be the one jumping off.

And so I pushed my chest off the wall to come crashing against him, he let go of my wrists to stabilize me, but soon his left hand crept under my skirt finding tender flesh where to clamp his strong fingers, marking me in pain and tiny broken blood vessels.

I whimpered from the dull pain and felt the warmth starting to spread, surprising and embarrassing me from the easiness it took him to call for rain. But my body knew enchanting dances as well: I was a hypnotizing snake. An ancient growl from within him announced the success of my body's spell.

While its partner explored the mounds of my south, his right hand wandered north: it rested on the plain of my back, oscillating until it found the burgundy straps that swiftly were peeled off.

My mouth and his never rested, but probed other secret places: specific nervous points pressed correctly to make a chord… a harmony.

And my hands had wandered as well, seeking his warm skin, they tugged at his shirt undoing and ripping buttons here and there. I ran my fingers everywhere, grazing and teasing explosive points, curling my fingertips around the hairy niche of his chest. But he wasn't going to let me play freely.

No, his right hand went to my front and violently pulled my dress down, forcing a slight breeze to contract the roused peaks. He knew the effect it would have on me, for he pushed to have me crash, as the tide on the rock of his chest.

I did not look at him and he did not looked at me. Did I fear what his eyes would say? Or was I afraid of finding my own judging image in their reflection?

I found myself in a time-perfected maneuver that planted me on my back, ready for his attention, but I refused to let him win, and so I gyrated and attacked until I was the predator and not the prey.

He was not one to be defeated, and so we started an endless battle, wrestling for control, pride pushing us to never let go. Once again on top I gloated on my victory, but he had other war tactics for conquering, he hacked my skirt up and removed swiftly the last veil of my modesty.

I reached down to bring him freedom, but he locked my hands over my head, both of them on one big one of his, he let go of my mouth to look down and fumble one-handed with his belt, he needed to make a statement, despite my eagerness for his intrusion, despite the destructiveness of the stolen pleasure to come, he needed to feel it was him setting things in motion.

Soon, unencumbered, he let his eyes rest on mine and I held his gaze along with my breath, I knew and I craved what was to come next.

I had to close my eyes.

And for a moment I forgot if there ever existed a border between pleasure and pain.

We had never been fused quite like this, and yet, we had never been so far apart. It's so odd when we find ourselves making love looking to hurt.

He may have come to me uninvited, but I wrapped myself around and constricted, viperous, marking him in my own baptism of fire. With all the strength in my body I met him in every thrust and ripped away every one of his moans.

He buried himself deep, deeper than ever before, both of us looking for something, to feel, pleasure or pain, own or foreign… whatever needed to keep the numbness at bay, petrified to be swallowed whole.

His hands clamped themselves on my shoulders forcing me back, afraid I'd slip away and escape once more, and in my frenzy I bit, scratched and tensed. I knew I had done my part: He'd have the bruises and scars to tell the tale.

If it was true that in order to rebuild you have to destroy all the ruins first, doing what we were doing, we were making sure nothing was still standing at the end.

It seemed that the world had stopped its dance on its own axis furtively taking a peak at the spectacle we were producing.

All the rage and adrenaline and disappointment and frustration and madness were the coal we used to feed the fire. The fire that was drawing us closer and closer like a bug to the light. My body was so ready to combust, so willingly. My eyes were clamped shut, but in my darkness I could feel him everywhere at once.

We had reached the edge of the Earth. I didn't even need to prepare a jump, for we never stopped running and soon we both plummeted down.

The hedonistic banquet had finally ended: the sounds of it quieted down, hunger and thirst satiated, wine spilt over a once immaculate tablecloth. The cloud was finally lifted from our minds, heartbeats fighting to calm down, and the labor of counting the casualties of war had already started; but I did not open my eyes, for there is something about a pulled up skirt and pants dropped to the floor… something about dress straps pulled down to rest flaccidly, and a shirt whose buttons have popped off, that makes the vision a lot more sordid than nudity.

And so I pushed his spent body off, I rolled to my side and let slumber claim me. I rode the wave of my orgasm into oblivion; scared to analyze, to let myself blush and feel ashamed of this ancient drive, the animal awakened in me. I settle myself down thinking that in the morning I'd had enough resentment to chastise me.

I slept a dreamless night.

I woke up and got up slowly, my muscles reminding me of my destructive activities from the prior night. I went to the bathroom to change into clean clothes. I craved a shower with my thighs showed the traces of our battle, but I didn't want to wake him… not yet… I had things I needed to take care first.

I took off my dress and stared at my bare body on the mirror, covered in marks and small bruises, a map of the route of his fingers and of his lips, every trace of our only and unusual silent union.

I left before the sun was out, before his eyes opened. I had something I needed to do, a place where I needed to be to sort through my emotions, through all the revelations. I slipped out of the room like last night's one night stand, eager to get my walk of shame over with, but then again, if it had been just a one night stand, maybe I would have showed all the kindness I reserve for strangers, but not for the love of my life.

My body sang its achiness. Soreness reminded me clearly of the places he'd been, the places he owned, that I had willingly given as sacred offers. But soreness reminded me too well of pleasure used as a weapon, of the way I had used him as he had used me in return.

The night before we had burned the place to the ground. Maybe we'd be finally ready to replant.

* * *

I never drive, I avoid it as much as I possibly can, and maybe because I get so much into my thoughts that I lose attention to my surroundings. But this time I needed the mobility of a car, and in a way, to leave Edward stranded for a while.

I drove around town in preparation for what was to come. I drove by all the important places of my childhood and early youth, I wished I could say that I was coming full circle, but the truth is that I was buying time, I knew what I had to do, but I wasn't sure I was ready for it.

But soon enough I ran out of nostalgic places to visit.

I had never driven to that place before, and I had seldom visited, but there was not confusion on to the route to follow until I was at the gate of the eerie holy land.

I parked and walked among the granite and marble plaques; unsure I'd be able to find the ones I had come to visit. There were so many identical rows with the same perfect spacing between one and the next. I walked for a while, looking at names, until I could match it to my own, and a part in me feared that in some bizarre joke I wasn't going to find them, but then, there they were.

I sat on the grass in front of the twin tombstones and I opened my mouth, but there were no words. This was not the way it was supposed to be, I was supposed to know exactly what to say, something inside was supposed to let me know that the spell had been broken, or some sort of enlightenment was to fall on me. It is the logical and expected end of an epic quest. But then maybe, I was neither the hero nor the villain I had expected.

I sat there for a while feeling empty, the cold stone as foreign to my touch as the names on the neighboring plaques. But I had come all the way there and something had to be said, if not for their sake, for mine. This was a rite that needed to be performed, no matter how unoriginal, how predictable, maybe I could just get it over with, and free myself from the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I opened my mouth and forced words out. I knew that in any spell incantation words need to be spoken aloud for them to have any power:

"Hey… It's been a while…" My voice was rather uneven, the way it feels after a long time of silence. It reminded me that it had indeed been long the last time I had spoken, and those last words hadn't been nice.

I forced myself a little more:

"I'm sorry I haven't come…but… I guess I'm not entirely sure there's anything besides dirt and worms underneath my feet… But then again, I also guess that I'm probably not here at all because of you… but because of me."

My fingers twirled around the grass and idly plucked some here and there.

"This is not the only place I've been avoiding. I actually hadn't flown back home in over three years… and even though people seem to think they know my reasons, the truth is… it's something I haven't let myself think about consciously. I wasn't ready to revisit a bunch of things… This place though… it is so hard to be at… so hard not to think about you… about what I lost… And it scares me that you don't know what I've been up to… I have faith you do… but what if you don't?

Maybe… maybe I should let you know what has been going on with me…

I've grown… changed a lot, and yet, I'm the same…

Ah… Let's see… I can play the guitar… And speak French… and I can really be mean…" I swallowed at the confession; I knew just how much my words could hurt.

"Ah… I never joined a circus, I think that was the last dream of mine you heard, but I'm not too sad about it, I'm cool… I'm happy… I like to think that, I know that I complicate my life for no reason, but mostly I'm happy, so don't worry, I am happy… But I miss you…"

Little by little words came out and my body relaxed.

"I guess I was mad… In a way I was mad at you, for leaving me behind. I know you didn't choose to, but it took me time… The Cullens are great, they really took me in, so… excellent choice…" I said with an awkward smile.

"I don't know what I would have done without them… Carlisle and Esme see nothing but a daughter in me… Emmett is a big brother, he gets jealous and everything, and he loves to nag me…" My smile started to faint when I knew who I needed to talk about next.

"I'm still friends with Edward… most of the time… and… Dad you probably don't want to hear this, but… we… got together… and… you almost had a grandkid, I know… I messed up…"

My memory was doing an inventory of past experiences, kept fondly or dreadfully. _The one_ falling heavy from my heart, piercing the same spot in my stomach and welling up my eyes.

"I needed you so much then, Mom…" I said the words I had never said aloud, but that I had cried out instead.

"I really needed you…" Tears were slowly running down my face. "Esme was great… I can't believe she went through it too… But it was hard… I still feel this void in me from time to time… And… I'm afraid, of doing it again, without you…" My tears were now flowing freely and feeding the same grass I was plucking.

I breathed deeply, closing my eyes to collect myself. Y rubbed my face with my hand, somehow we tend to think that the action of wiping away tears makes us just a tad stronger.

"I guess Edward is lucky you weren't around…" I said trying to lighten my mood and smiling at the crazy thought in my mind, letting myself feel amused.

"I think you would have chased him with your gun, right Dad? But then again, I'm not sure what would have happened if you didn't go… But don't be mad at him, I've done my fair share of getting him in trouble…"

Those words quickly reminded me of his insecurity, the one carefully guarded from me. I knew how wrong he was and it had hurt so much that I lashed at him, but now, I wanted to cry for him, for what I had made him feel and for my absence.

"He thinks he hasn't influenced me as much as I did him, but he can be a royal idiot sometimes… I'm… him… so much… I even drink my coffee the way he likes it… and I use words of his… I find myself talking with people and suddenly something he's told me comes out of my mouth… we were apart for a while, a long while… and I found myself having conversations with him on my head… he didn't know that I took him with me…

I guess that what I am saying is that I love him… I really do…

This doesn't explain why I haven't come… here to see you… well this place has never been one I particularly like… I don't think you are here, under the dirt… I always thought you were with me… but then, one day I realized something… that I didn't remember quite as much…"

I knew what I needed to say next, an idea too hurtful to put into words, to make it real. Something I had tried so hard to push back inside, in a part of my mind where I kept all my demons.

"I stop flying into town… because one day… I realized that I had lived with them for as long as I did with you… and then it hit me… time was only going to keep moving forward and I'd be further and further away from our past, from our life together… You were turning into an anecdote.

It hurts me... It hurts me so much that you don't know me anymore… And it makes me mad, that you don't know the person I've become… that it had to take you dying and leaving me to be the person I am now… And I hate myself because I don't think I'd want to be anyone else." Those words came out with all the poison that had been pooling inside me, with all the shame I had for myself.

"I feel guilty because I don't wish to be someone else, and if you hadn't died… I'd be somebody else… just like if I hadn't left him… I wouldn't be the one I am today…"

I chuckled lightly and pathetically.

"Some catch-22 right? I needed to escape my home and my love to be here today… I want you to know that I love you and I miss you and I wonder what would have been… but I'm okay, I think I turned out okay… And it hurts like a son of a bitch to know that there are no cells in my body that still keep your touch, that your voice is getting fainter and fainter in my memories… And that sometimes I hate you for leaving me… But I am still your child, and I love you… And I sincerely hope you're somewhere looking at me, and that I am not a stranger to you… that some day you'll recognize me… I'm going to go now… And I'm sorry if I don't come back soon, or ever… but I want to believe that you are truly not here… but with me…"

I got up to shaky legs and took a moment to look the engravings of names and numbers on the stones. I could read them time after time and still they wouldn't make any sense to me. I finally turned around, ready to rejoin the land of the living, wondering if I'd be ready to finally and truly be alive.

And he was there, stoic like another one of the marble angels of the cemetery.

I walked to him and instinctively came to rest on his chest, fitting perfectly under his chin. I listened for his heartbeat, wondering if it would tell me the truth I've been seeking, but instead he said: "I love you too… And this time I really mean it in the way it's supposed to be."

"How long?" I asked and he knew what I meant.

"Long enough… I didn't know you felt like this. I'm sorry I never asked about how you felt, I've always been so used to you being one of us, I took for granted what you had to go through for you to belong to us… to me…" He answered while wrapping my body in his arms.

"Am I horrible if I like where I am?"

"No… I am happy about where I am as well… regardless… I'm sorry what I had to do to you to get here."

"Should we call it a lost weekend… all that time apart?" I asked.

"I like that idea." He said pulling me closer but I winced a little when I moved.

"I hurt you." He said realizing I was sore. "I'm really sorry… I…"

I knew the shame he had for I had an identical one.

"It's okay… I'm not proud of it either… Do you think we can look at each others eyes after it?" I asked blushing at my actions the night before.

"Let's try that…" He said as he tilted my head to check. "I'm feeling quite small and ashamed of myself… but I think we are going to be okay."

"I love you. It feels right now." I informed him.

"I love you too Swan."

"I can tell you something else too… You are not random, I chose _you_… because of you… and you have fought for me… Do you think it was nothing having to fight me? I'm the chicken shit here…"

He smiled and kissed me so gently as if he feared I was going to break.

It was sweet, but I wanted him to remember who I was, so I joked:

"I'll tell you one thing… given last night… I don't think you can _ever_ feel inadequate."

"You're not so bad yourself, you know? There were some pretty _rad_ moves…" He said raising an eyebrow. "Now… I think we still need to talk… but what do you think if we go somewhere else? Unless you want to raise the dead."

"I think we've done enough of that." I said.


	20. Chapter 20

**_I know I have taken long for this one, but last one was really like going through childbirth. _**

**_I have to admit I can't think of another time when I have, allegedly, made so many people cry. Thank you all for making me believe I have that superpower._**

**_I was going to take longer to post the very last chapter, but decided instead to split it and post the part that I have ready, and then I won't torture anyone longer._**

**_And I hope I won't take longer than a week to post the next one (since it's halfway done), which will definitely be the very last chapter._**

**_I want to thank you all, because you managed to do something amazing: you have taught me to think of writing as work. I actually have been waking up every day for a couple of months, thinking that, not only I want to write but also I _need_ to do it._**

**_And lastly, I actually reread the whole thing, since the prequel; to make sure I stayed within 'cannon'. I have to apologize, because I realized all the typos, particularly in the first chapters of 'A rite…', I have to admit that at the beginning I was still quite conscious of what I was doing, so I posted a lot as soon as I finished the chapters, before I could lose the courage. And then of course, I do proofread, but sometimes I don't have the time or the drive to do it._**

**_And so, this time, for a change, a music recommendation from me: _**

**"_Perfect drug" by Nine Inch Nails._**

**_I was listening to it and I thought it was good background for the violent first part of last chapter._**

* * *

He opened the door to me and I stepped back to the room I had escaped just a few hours before like a shameful thief. I could feel the uneasiness on his hand holding on to mine, barely pulling me into the battleground where we had fought so fiercely the night before.

Maybe he was as full of shame and embarrassment as I was, for the pregnant silence seemed to threaten choking us, in complicity with the telltale signs scattered around.

"What I would have given for the maid to come while we were out." I confessed.

"And spare us from this very humbling moment?" He asked looking at me and I could swear he sported the hint of a blush on his face.

"I guess there is a god after all…" I said kicking my conveniently placed underwear to the side.

"Could this room be any more sordid?" He said with a chuckle.

"There could be a camera on a tripod." I said trying to picture a way, in which the scene before us, in addition to the sensorial memory of our bodies, could be lessened and dismissed in comparison.

"Ah… I guess we're lucky then. No permanent record of it… Besides a few scars." Edward pointed out.

"Maybe we should go with the 'what happened here stays here' thing?" I proposed.

"You are not going to run to your friends and talk about it over cosmos?" He asked making a joke.

"Let's see…" I said sitting down on the bed and pulling him down, and then placing a leg on either side of him. "You are _not_ going to believe what happened!" I said with an over the top excitement.

"What?" He said with a crooked smile, knowing where I was going with it.

"Edward and I had the fight of a century and then he proceeded to _fuck_ my brains out…" I got a raise of his eyebrows by my choice of words. "Okay… done with the blabbing about it with my best friend."

"You have a potty mouth." He said smiling more and placing an ever so gently kiss on my lips.

"Do you really believe we did anything different? I believe it was a perfect use of the profanity. Anyways… if that wasn't it, I don't know what is…" I said in my defense.

"Ah…" He responded nodding slightly.

"You are embarrassed." I pointed out.

"You're not?" He asked.

"I talk crap when I am… I thought you knew me."

"Baby… Believe me… I know you… _Now_ more than ever." He said enveloping me with his arms and knowing what the intensity of his eyes could do to me.

Even if it could be infuriating, I so much preferred when he was confident about what he meant to me, instead of the insecurities that I had so recently found out had been the cause of the demise of our relationship.

"Well, well… It is nice to see smug Edward… When did this start?"

"Right after I popped your cherry." He informed me.

"Oh yeah… I remember creating a monster…" I commented amused.

He kissed me a little more, and it wasn't rushed, we were not going anywhere and so he idly bit my lower lip.

"So anyways, how did you make it to the cemetery? I took the car." I asked when we separated, suddenly thinking of it.

"Yeah. Thank you for that by the way. I took a cab." He replied not amused.

"How did you know I'd be there?"

"Well, since we had the fight of the century _and_ the angry sex to go with it, I thought about the only other possible unresolved issue of yours." Edward explained.

"Am I that predictable?"

"No. You are everything but predictable. I just happen to be quite the scholar on you." He responded quite proud of himself.

"Whatever. I'm glad you were there…" I conceded as I tried to get up and suddenly became very aware of the number we had done on my body. "God… I'm so sore."

"Have you been… exercising a lot lately?" He asked maliciously.

"Hmmm cute… I think you may have rearranged my internal organs Cullen…"

"Why don't you take a bath?" He proposed.

"Are you trying to seduce me Mr. Cullen? Wait… I think you gave up on that… You are in a 'take what I like' period, I guess."

"You'll be safe… I said: 'Why don't _you_ take a bath'?"

"Come on… my friend can take more heat than that. I bet you're sore too. You should take a bath as well… And that is all I am offering." I said walking towards the bathroom.

"Fine" He said getting up and following me.

It shocked me how I hadn't paid attention to the room before: it was large and beautiful, with a gorgeous wide bathtub enclosed in embroidered white draperies that were pulled back by sashes.

"This is quite fancy." I said as I opened the faucet.

"Alice made sure to pick a really fancy place. Don't ask me how much it was, you really don't want to know."

"I guess I still owe you that."

"After last night… Don't worry…"

"Ah no… I think you owe me." I said.

"Let's just say we're even." Edward proposed.

"I guess we should really enjoy it then."

"Ah… We have about three hours before we have to check out." He reminded me.

"Damn it. You mean we could've had a candlelit romantic bath instead of you slamming me against the wall?" I asked raising one eyebrow.

"You have always struck me as an 'against the wall' kind of girl Swan." He said walking closer to me.

"It is nice to know how much I'm worth to you." I said in return without backing off.

"Don't tease. You know that damn well …" He said cupping my face with his hands.

"It would be nice to be noticed from time to time." I said turning my eyes to the side.

"Stop it" He said with a kiss. "You don't know what is coming to you."

"I don't think you are up for it." I teased.

"Well, you have a very dirty mind, why is everything sex to you anyways?" He said sliding his hands down to my hips.

"I've never seen you complaining."

"You know what I love about you?" He asked.

"My charisma? How sarcastic I can be? My taste in art deco furniture? My boobs?" I joked.

"You think you know everything… And I love proving you wrong." He said almost on my lips.

"Why are you speaking in riddles?" I asked.

"I, unlike you, can be patient. I know who will be laughing last." He now let his chin rest on top of my head and I was reminded of how easily I fit under his body.

"You do know that 'he who laughs last' didn't get the joke right?"

"Smart-mouth."

"You love me." I reminded him.

"Yes I do. And you are absolutely head over heels for me."

I didn't say a word.

I just idiotically nodded.

"I think the water is ready." He informed me.

I pulled away to get ready for my bath.

I started taking my clothes off in front of him and in front of the large and well lit mirror, the paleness of my skin revealing the fresh bruises, the perfect outline of his strong fingers still clutching me, around my hips and on my shoulders.

My breasts were covered in small bites and hickies.

"Why are you not taking your clothes off?" I asked when I turned to see him still dressed and looking at me, but his normal naughtiness gone. "Don't tell me you're going to be the prude now."

"Just looking at you." It didn't come out in a sexy tone but in a disappointed one.

"This ain't a peep show man… Either strip or start paying." I said trying to amuse him.

"I'm just… I really did a number on you… I am feeling quite bad about that…" He said brushing his fingertips over the same places he had hold on to the night before.

I could sense he was going to beat himself for this.

"Hey… I did my share of hurting." I said starting to unbutton his shirt, peeling away his clothes.

He let me proceed, not intervening, letting it be I the one holding the reigns. I wondered how long it would take him to touch me and take me at his own will.

Soon we were both naked under the merciless brightness of the bathroom lights that made every bruise and wound far more serious than they really were. I ran my fingers over the scratches I left on his arms and followed them to his back. My fingers were not a match for his, and so I couldn't find their form on his skin, but I had consciously made an effort to mark him the previous night. We both knew that the traces we left on each other's skin were not a claim for foreign eyes to see and be ware, but a reminder to ourselves of who we belonged to, of the violence and hurt we could inflict in ourselves.

"I guess it is a blessing no one has to see us like this." I said.

"You better not have anyone else see you like this." He threatened.

"And I thought you men liked to show off how you can drive a woman to scratch your backs… And I have short nails, imagine if I sported those long red paws." I commented.

"You think _that_ is the worst you did? You are certainly strong… down there."

"Yeah?" I asked proudly.

"Don't act dumb with me. I'm not sore for nothing." Edward let me know.

"Okay. Let's get in the water."

Immersing myself in the hot water felt delicious on my sore muscles, and something inside of me that had been tight for so long started to relax. As I leaned on his body, my back to his chest, and closing my eyes I let myself be taken by slumber. We stayed like that for a long time in silence, moving just a little from time to time, his palm resting on my belly and tracing circles now and then.

His voice came low and scratchy when he finally spoke, making my ear tingle with his hot breath and the water. Still resting on him I could feel the words come from his gut and through the resonance box of his chest, making me vibrate, and then they nestled on my ear.

"They'll never be an anecdote."

Without opening my eyes I realized how it seemed that our whole lives seemed to be a never-ending conversation, frozen in time from time to time, to allow for life to continue, but then restarted in the exact second they were paused, no need for references or explanations.

"It's hard not thinking that." I added.

The sudden tightness and release of his belly informed me of the humor he detected on something.

"You are the one who called me a royal idiot for torturing myself with bad thoughts."

"I know… I'm sorry. You really can't think that. I could say the same thing you know? You got stuck with me." I let him know.

But he surprised me with what he said next.

"I didn't."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused, turning a little to look at his face. Feeling the change he opened his eyes and smiled wide for me.

"Want to know when I fell in love with you?" He asked.

"Haven't you always loved me?" I said cockily batting my eyelashes.

"Yes, but you are an acquired taste. Here is the important stuff: I've always loved you as a friend, which is not the same, but I fell in love with you in a romantic way later."

"So when was that?" I asked flattered.

"First time I saw you … ah…" His eyes looked up avoiding me, clearly looking for an acceptable way to express what he wanted. "…_Being happy… quite happy…_ with me…"

"You are sick." I said half flattered but half let down by the connotation.

"It has nothing to do with that… It was just your face, so brutally honest and open… I had an epiphany; I realized I could always see right into your mind, your feelings. And I wanted more. I wanted to be with you beyond the normal childhood friendship… I wanted to be the one making you look like that… And I definitely wanted to be the only one seeing it… So…"

Only him could turn something so clearly sexual and embarrassing into the most romantic declaration of love.

The bastard.

"So?" I asked.

"It's your turn"

"What for?" I asked playing dumb.

"What do you mean what for?" He asked showing me how ticked off he was at my question by pinching my butt.

"Ouch!" I yelled.

"You deserved it. And then you wonder why I have a bad self-esteem."

"I make it up with wild sex." I said half turning, making sure to brush my body with his.

He smiled.

"When did you fall in love with me?" He asked pleased.

"We are going to do this silly thing of going back and forth with fond memories?" I asked pretending to be annoyed with the heart to heart, fully aware of the silly girl melting underneath of my armor.

"May I remind you we're naked in a very nice bathtub and very sore to do anything else?" He said pointing out the only two options of enjoyment he saw.

"Fine."

"So when Swan? I imagine that it happened, as with me, during our… _experiment_."

"And by that you are asking if I fell in love with you because of your amazing sexual prowess, right?"

"It wouldn't hurt my self-esteem…"

"Ah… Whatever rocks your boat I guess… Anyway… Sex was the catalyst for love, wasn't it?"

"Right."

"I can't pinpoint it to a moment… but I guess when I started realizing that it didn't go the way we had planned it." I informed him.

"Which was?" He asked.

"Well… It was supposed to be awkward."

"And it was." He corrected me, as if I could forget the moment.

"Yes… but it was supposed to be short and painful and weird… and something I'd be happy to get over with and then move on… It was awkward, I know, and slightly painful but it wasn't short… and it was definitely enjoyable… and it kept happening… You were still you, my friend, but I would anticipate you coming to my room… wanting your touch… and it started coming to me." I let him know.

I had now shifted so I still rested on top of him, but facing him now. He had the widest goofiest grin I'd ever seen on him.

"Do I amuse you?"

"You have no idea. You are the one Swan…"

"The one… that knows all your secrets?… the one who frustrates you the most?... the one you love?"

"The only one for me." Edward confessed.

"Yeah? And you have conducted the necessary research to back this up?" I asked amused.

"Yeah… I'm completely useless without you." He said running his hands over my skin under the water, sending shivers everywhere.

"You seemed to be doing quite well a few months ago." I reminded him.

"I was hurting in the inside… Anyway… We both know we can do a lot better together, don't we?" He asked.

"There is… so much that you don't know…" I said almost in an inaudible sigh.

"What are you talking about? Have a few skeletons in your closet that don't involve me?"

"No you silly… I only get in trouble with you… Ah…" I sighed once more.

I had wondered and wondered how he could think the way he did before, but then I realized that maybe I had just taken for granted the fact that he knew what he meant for me. But I had never taken my time and effort to really let him know, after all, I would spend my last breath trying to protect myself, to hide my hurt feelings.

"You may think that you have been convenient for me… that you have been part of my ploy to hide away from the unknown… that you are familiar and safe… Well, you are the most familiar thing to me, your voice, your hands, your lips… my oldest memory and the most intimate… But choosing you is definitely not me settling for less nor going the safest route…"

"You don't have to do this for me…" He said with sweet forgiving kisses on top of my head. "I did think that back then, and I told you because I felt cornered and pushed to do it… But I don't think like that… And… I want you in my life; in any way you let me… I'm never going to demand what you can't give me."

Such a sweet and unconditional declaration…

…that irked me so… because it implied that I did not feel what I did… That I was not lost, beyond any type of hope, for him.

"Shut up. Let me speak."

"Okay."

"You drive me crazy… Not because you know me or because you can see trough me… you drive me crazy as in the way a silly middle-schooler feels when the handsome jock looks at her and smiles. You drive me crazy when you flirt with me and when you catch me of guard and you steal a kiss… And it felt like having a knife through my stomach twist inside of it when you let me go, when you didn't want me around anymore…" I said getting it off my chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" He said with true sadness in his eyes, caressing my cheek.

"It was my fault too… I could just say I love you but not really let you know how I felt…"

"I think we were a couple of idiots." He said breaking a faint smile.

"When I saw you again, at Alice's party… knowing you were with someone else… it hurt so much… It hurt to think that you kissed someone else… that another girl knew what it was to feel your weight on her and know all the sounds you make. To think you didn't think of me anymore."

"I thought of you often… Every day and every night… I felt guilty that night… And I dreamt about you."

"Liar." I called him off.

He smiled more and looked through me, melting me with the hidden superpower of his eyes.

"Remember I told you about that part of my heart that I boarded up after you?" he asked.

"Yes."

"You opened that up." He said.

And I jumped to kiss him, no longer caring about the soreness of my body, I ached, but for different reasons.

I ached to make sure this was not a dream.


	21. Chapter 21

_**I didn't die, but I know it took me forever to post the last chapter. Life has been hectic. But here it is, the last one. It's sad but it's good to be done, I don't like when stories are not finished. **_

_**Even though it saddens me to finish it, I know it's the right thing, because I just can't write 'happy', give me conflict and awkwardness any day, this is in part the reason why it took me forever to write this.**_

_**I guess I'm a negative person :) **_

_**Okay, then, **_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**ps. I have to travel this weekend, and I'm running out of time, so I didn't have enough time to give it a last proofread, so please forgive me for the typos. I promise to check it next week. Or if you can point them out for me I'd be very grateful. I know it's sloppy but I didn't want to keep you waiting for a few days until I came back.**_

* * *

"Swan! Where are you?" Edward's frustrated voice came from his bedroom breaking the seal of silence that those, like I, who suffer from insomnia, are blessed with.

"I'm in here." I yelled back without taking my attention from my scavenger hunt for something to amuse me from his DVD collection.

"Here where?" I heard him say, and I could tell he was coming out of the bedroom.

"What do you mean where? Where do you think you live? The Taj Mahal? I'm in the living room."

"Keep that up and you won't get your house." He said sitting on the floor behind me, and enveloping me in his arms.

"Is it going to be like the Taj Mahal?" I asked turning my face to him with feigned exacerbated excitement.

"This sarcasm is making you lose points" Edward replied smiling.

"I'll make them up with-" I started saying but he cut me off.

"Sex?"

"Wouldn't you want to be that lucky? I was going to say awesomeness." I said looking away and resuming my task of sorting through his stuff.

"Yeah right. I bet you were going to say sex, but I beat you to it. So anyways what are you doing here?"

"I'm going through your stuff."

"Now, who's stating the obvious? Why are you doing that?" He asked resting his head on my left shoulder, and looking over it to what I was doing.

"Because I can't sleep and I'm bored."

"And who said you could go through my stuff?" He asked using his hands to shift me a little do he could easily look at my face.

"It's your place, it's not like I have stuff of my own to go through. And, newsflash… We are in a relationship… I'm the girl… I get to do stuff like this."

"I told you to keep some stuff here… And… Funny how you flip flop between being 'the girl' and being 'one of the guys'." He said irritating me.

"What? Do you want to be the girl?" I asked fully aware of how much I was annoying him.

"No, I don't want to be the girl. You fit the profile much better." And as he said it his hand came to rest on my hips. "And I thought before we had decided to cohabitate."

"We decided to consider it, and also, back then we weren't going to 'be together'. We were going to look for a place and have separate bedrooms."

"I thought that was before".

"Before what?" I asked intrigued.

"Before we… figured things out. I thought we were out of the woods."

"I thought we decided to go slow. I'm not that easy." I noted with a defiant glare.

"It's past three in the morning and you're only wearing my shirt. I think that ship has sailed." And to further make his point he tugged at the hem of the dress shirt of his I was currently wearing.

"I am also wearing underwear, thank you very much. And just a word of advice, keep that up and I'll wear long flannel pjs from now on."

"Think that scares me? Anyway… You can't possibly tell me we're going too fast. I've known you all my life, and we're hardly new lovers." He pointed out.

"So what is it that you want?" I asked with a fake naiveté.

"Am I supposed to believe that is an innocent question? Are you fishing for a compliment Swan?" He asked in return with a wide grin.

"Isn't it my god given right as the girl in this relationship Cullen?"

"Fine…" He conceded in defeat. "I want you… in my bed, every night." And as he said it he pulled me until I was right in front of him.

"Technically, it's my bed. I paid for half of it."

"_Honey_ you are not helping my romantic act here." He said in frustration.

"So it is all an act."

"I know you. You are evading."

"I'm not evading." I contradicted him.

"So… Move in with me and stop going through my stuff at three in the morning because you cannot sleep." He said pushing my hair behind my ears and holding on to my face, as to stop me in case I wanted to look away.

"I'm going to be serious. You think it is a good idea? I just don't want to take a step and go back three." I didn't want to sound like I was trying to boycott the relationship.

"You have this little faith in us?" He asked trying to find something hidden in my eyes.

"No! Please… I hate looking like I'm the commitment-phobe. I just don't ever want to move out to be on my own from a place we've shared. I've been there and I don't want to do it again." I confessed.

"I don't want to do that either. But what do you expect, that things never progress?"

His eyes were so transparent as he spoke, and I knew he was telling me that I could believe, that if I jumped off the cliff with my eyes closed, he'd always be there to catch me.

He didn't need to say this, but it didn't change the fact that the heart knows once it has been burned not to get too close to the flame.

And I knew that he felt just the same.

"You want to have our own places for the rest of our lives?" He continued trying to make me see his point. "What if you get pregnant? You want to have your own place when you are eight months along?"

It was so easy to keep going, not thinking about the hypothetical scenarios that were used to prove his point.

"Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir did it. I mean… minus the pregnancy part." And by now I had caught on the implication. "And anyways, who's talking about pregnancies?"

"I'm not. I was just making a point." He aid sighing and realizing what he had just said, ending his sentence with a goofy grin.

"Good. And no… I don't want to live apart when I'm eight months pregnant." I informed him.

"I love that you said _when_." He said giving me the smug smile he has for when he feels he has me exactly where he wants.

"You are, as usual, mistaken about my feelings for you, or my intentions." I said knowing that once again, for him, I was the wild horse he felt he had lassoed.

"So, what are your intentions? Enlighten me." Edward dared me.

"Same as yours."

"Really?"

Was he truly surprised?

This should be abundantly clear now, even though in the past I had neglected to let him know exactly how I felt, because all my life I had needed to shield my true self, too scared to get cut, I had, in the recent months gone out of my safe cocoon and dared to let the man I love know exactly what was in my heart, and where I envisioned myself in his own future.

But that fearful image I had carved of myself in his mind and in his heart was hard to erase.

I wanted him to be able to see the one I was now, to know exactly how powerful his words where on my ear, or how mighty his hands were on my skin.

It both, frustrated me and made me sad.

"Can you see something besides a seventeen-year-old scared shitless about being pregnant with her best friend's baby? I am much more than that… I've grown… and back then I had all the right in the world to be immature, and to want to be a free spirit and not looking forward the mainstream dream… But I have grown…" I pleaded my case.

"I know…" He said noticing the slight desperation of my words. Knowing me well, he could see my fear. "But I happen to really love the part of you that is still seventeen and crazy and my best friend." He assured me.

"Sometimes I'm not sure there's anything left of her, of the person I used to be… And then… She's in you…" And I poked the left part of his chest as I spoke. "If I don't know whatever happened to me, or who I am anymore, I know I'm somewhere in you." And I looked up from his chest to his eyes.

"I hope I can be more than just a glorified box of mementos." I was able to identify a lingering trace of an old insecurity of his. I was not going to let us go that road again.

"Don't be an idiot. You are my North… The only person that humbles me… You know changes scare me… The unknown… But you are the one I want to go through it with… Not because you are my security blanket, but because I love you. I can't say it any other way."

I now had no problem putting all my cards on the table; I had figured out recently that it was costly to not voice my feelings.

"So you will be moving in with me?" He asked with the sweetest and most innocent look in his eyes.

"I will… I will do a lot more than that with you. I want you for the long haul. And I'm willing to do _anything_ to assure you stick around." I said fully aware of the meaning of my words.

This was no slip of the tongue.

I wasn't bluffing.

"Anything?" He asked with a certain glee in his eye.

"You'd be surprised."

"I bet I could find a hole in that statement." He added with skepticism.

"I'm sure you could… Oddly enough it won't be what you're thinking. I still can surprise you." I said.

"Oh yeah? Do it." He dared.

"I won't take your name." I informed him instead.

"I beg your pardon?" Edward asked truly confused.

"I can prove it. I can do any of the depraved things you are thinking about right now. Like I said, no matter how scary, if you hold my hand, and I can look into your eyes as we're going through it, I'll do it. But I won't take your name… I owe it to Charlie." I said quite proud of myself, knowing that maybe for the first time in our history together, he hadn't caught me in a bluff, but I truly meant everything I'd said. There was no more fear, now that I knew everything in his heart.

"Are you popping the question Swan?" He joked, and I knew that now, he was using my beloved humor to shift the focus.

I got to him.

"No, don't get your panties in a bunch." I said happy about how the tables had turned.

"I'm not wearing any and you shouldn't now that I'm thinking about it. I like your deal… And to think I was your last chance to be an official Cullen." He said grinning.

"I already am, and I will be yours, so don't bruise that cute little ego of yours."

"What do you mean 'will be'? At risk of sounding repetitive, I must say 'that ship has sailed Swan'. Anyways… I like calling you Swan."

"Very _Mulder_ and _Scully_ of us Cullen."

"You have a knack for making my last name sound sexy." He said looking down for a second to look at his finger tracing circles on my leg.

"Give it up, it turns you on the fact that I'm not all lovey dovey… It keeps the veil of mystery on." I said forcing his face up with my hand.

"Mystery is nice. Given that I know you better than yourself." He responded breaking a smile.

"You're just a masochist." I said, wondering if I had a crooked smile of my own that would infuriate him and make him melt in the inside, just as his usually did to me.

"You… on the other hand, don't want to admit, that you enjoy when I call you baby and I do all the silly romantic things girls like. You are such a closeted girl." He told me delighted of the reaction he knew his words would have on me.

"Take it back." I ordered.

"No."

"Come on, take it back." I said gently punching him.

"Okay… You are one of the dudes… You are a tomboy, a strong woman…" He said faking annoyance, and then smiled. "But you are sweet and feminine, and fragile for me… from time to time."

"I… am…" I conceded, and decided to embrace the truth of all this man was for me, I knew that I didn't need to hide, to deny all the things he made me feel. "Only for you… You see what you do to me Cullen? Love? Baby?"

"Have I told you it turns me on when you make me feel unique? You may be just stroking my ego, but I like feeling like there is a secret part of you, reserved only for me." He said wrapping his hands tightly around me, and forcing me to straddle him.

"Oh, you don't need to tell me. I can tell… And I'm not stroking anything…" I joked. "This is real… You make me feel this way… All fragile and strong at the same time… Beautiful… Everything I'm not."

"You are." He said.

And I believed him.

* * *

And so we had accomplished the impossible, for now the band of skeptics formed by our brother Emmett, Rosalie and Patrick were helping us move my stuff from my place to Edward.

"Just so you know… if you guys split again you are not getting any help moving." Em's frustrated voice let us know from under the huge box he was carrying out my apartment door.

"Don't worry we won't." Edward said grabbing coming back in from having taken his own big box down the stairs.

"Actually… even if we break up we'll continue living together just to avoid moving. I really don't want to do this again." I added while finishing wrapping the last glass in newspaper alongside Rosalie.

"Not even if I build you a house?" Edward asked planting a quick peck on my cheek and going to my room for the next box.

"You are no builder." I reminded him while I pointed at his back. "But yeah… I will do it only for that…" I agreed.

"Izz dear you have heavy possessions." Patrick said resting the box he was carrying on the table, I guessed in an effort to gather courage to take it down the stairs.

"I thought you had muscles for it." I said fully aware of how much I was bothering him.

"I do, but they are for show and for other extraneous activities." He responded.

"Speaking of that… What's going on with that guy you took to the wedding?" I asked.

"I saw you getting quite chummy with him" Rosalie chipped in.

"Oh, it's been great… I think he's the one Izzie. I may be moving to your neck of the woods." He said looking away like an excited fourteen-year-old girl.

"Really?" I asked piqued at the possibility of Patrick changing his ways, and stopping what I was doing.

"No! Of course not…" He said loudly and throwing his arms out. "You thought we'd be planning a commitment ceremony and adopting a pedigree dog together already?" He asked.

"I think I can even hear Alice's heart breaking right about now." Rosalie commented.

"Hey, I even thought you were going to ask me for some spare eggs or to be a surrogate." I admitted.

"Not just yet love." Patrick said planting a kiss on my cheek.

"Sorry about that Patrick, but all her eggs are already spoken for." Edward said coming over me and enveloping me in his arms.

"You do know I won't ever use them all?" I asked him turning to face him.

"Well, I want all of them to go to waste with me." He responded-

"No worries Ed, I'm not sure about Izzie's genetic material." Patrick said grinning.

"Hey! I have good genetic material… sort of…"

"I love your genetic material." Edward commented right before kissing me.

"Can we talk about something other than genetic material?" Rosalie asked annoyed.

* * *

A little while after I found myself pulling my books into a box, with Edward helping me.

"So you don't like the idea of me sharing my eggs?" I asked him jokingly.

"How would you feel about me making a donation of my own?" He asked in return.

"I don't think so…" I said looking intently at him.

"But then again I can donate to you any time…" He said coming over to me and holding me tight.

"It's not a donation if the… stuff… belongs to me already." I said raising my eyebrow.

"Ah… I can hear you and that is disgusting." Rosalie said coming out of the kitchen with another box. "I think we should take this load and give you some space. Patrick! Emmett! Let's go!"

And so they left us alone in my almost empty place.

It was an odd feeling, a déjà vu.

I had done this once before, but now I didn't feel the apprehension that I felt when we first moved in together.

"Swan, please come in here" Edward called from my bedroom. "Okay, so you need to go through this box now." He said handing me the box that used to sit under my bed.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused as to what he wanted me to do.

"We are supposed to make due in an apartment that until recently was already full of my stuff, we decided to both purge to make the same space work for both of us, and we know very well that you own more trash than I do." He said in all seriousness.

"It could have been worse, you could be moving in with a girl that was into clothes and shoes. How much space do my converses take?"

"Your converses are not the problem, it's all your books and magazines and knickknacks… Accept it: you are a pack rat."

"You are as well." I responded in my defense.

"And that is why I went through everything already at my place, now you go through this box." He said forcing me to sit down on the floor, with the box right in front of me.

"But it is my box of mementos of you." I pleaded.

"And you are going to be sleeping with me, so you don't need anything to remember me by." He informed me.

"You don't expect me to throw this away right?" I asked pulling out his old white sharpied t-shirt.

"Why do you want to hold on to that?" He asked as he could not understand my motivation.

"Because it was the most romantic thing you ever did, and it was right after my first kiss… Well… my first kiss that counted."

"I thought your real first kiss was right around the time I deflowered you." He said grinning.

"It doesn't count if it is not with love." I informed him.

"Fine, but go through it, what else could you have there?"

"Letters and photos, and stuff."

"You'll have to make a case for each one. I'm listening." He said crossing his arms over his chest.

"You are an ass! I will de disposing of that photo of me you kept." I threatened.

"We are not broken up anymore, you can't get stuff back."

"What are you doing with mine then?" I asked noticing the huge injustice.

"I'm being practical."

"You are a sadist."

"That makes you a masochist then. But keep digging, I bet you just have shit there and you only threw in just to shove under your bed when cleaning." He said eyeing my box with disgust.

"No way." I said digging in, sure of my priced possessions, until my fingers stumbled with an unfamiliar shape. "What is this?" I said out loud.

"See, I told you."

"No." My hand closed over the foreign object and noticed it was a cube. I pulled it out and at first it didn't make any sense what I was holding on my palm, until I saw through it and noticed Edward's smiley face across from me.

I was very proud of my wit and quick thinking, but I embarrassingly took long to put two and two together.

But when the thought ignited in my brain I felt terrified and elated.

"No."

I said pushing it back in.

No one said I ever knew the appropriate thing to do.

"What are you doing? I want to know what that is. Or we can throw the whole thing in the trash then."

"No!" I yelled shocking me in the process. I guess I knew now how I felt about it.

"What are you going to do then?" He dared me.

I pulled it back out. And look at it and noticed the name printed in gold on the top. It was that jeweler we had been at months before.

"You bastard… I can't believe you have me choose my own engagement ring."

"Wow… Careful Swan, you may be getting ahead of yourself. I haven't asked anything yet. And by the way, your use of the possessive makes my day."

The possibility of me having made an assumption, one just like the stupid juvenile line where I was making as ass of me, and only me. He could see my sudden fear and came closer to me, moving the box from between us away, making sure I was still holding on to the little box.

"Why don't you open it? For being the nosiest person I know you are dodging it. Maybe it's not what you wanted." Edward suggested.

"I want this." I replied worried that he would misinterpret my reaction.

"Let's see what happens when you open it." He said cryptically.

It wasn't what I thought it was.

It wasn't an engagement ring.

Not a simple platinum band with a perfect sized diamond.

It was a sapphire nestled among a few tiny diamonds that shied away their magnificence in the presence of the less popular sapphire.

It wasn't an engagement ring.

It was _the_ engagement ring.

_My_ engagement ring.

Not the one I had told him he would propose with.

It was one I took less than a fraction of a second to look at and wonder and desire for that fraction of a second, of a life I thought was forbidden for me.

"And you thought I didn't have another grand gesture in me." He added quite proud of himself.

"How did you know?" I asked truly impressed.

"I know you better than you think."

"But you weren't even close to me."

"When you kept going I just had to look at that display and I knew that you would have gone with the most different one, the one everybody else would deem insufficient. Which, by the way didn't mean it was cheap. The one you chose would have been far cheaper, but that was not the reasoning of my choice." He explained.

"I haven't heard you asking anything." I pointed out.

"Oh, now you want me to ask for something." He said smiling in delight.

"You don't want to?" I asked a little fearful.

"You mean that you are not mine already?" He asked as he pulled me closer in one swift movement of his arm around my waist, one movement that I was embarrassed to admit had made me moist, and given what was happening he'd notice soon.

"I am."

"And I will still ask. So…"

"So?"

"You are the one for me. The only one." He said.

"Tell me something new."

"Hold back your tongue or you won't get anything." He admonished me.

"Okay."

"And now, I can tell you no one, not even you, will prevent me from having you in my bed every night until the day I die. You are my friend, my best friend, my lover and the only woman I want to have children with. You make me feel like a man and like a kid in an insane roller coaster every frigging day; I can be cocky and confident and be reduced to humility and guiltiness with one of your words. And I don't want anything different. I'd like, if you grant me this wish, to be able to call you 'wife' as well."

I could feel tears in my eyes.

"Well? You have to answer Swan and then you can get the damn ring. I won't give it to you without an answer."

I kissed him.

"Hell yes…" I said pulling away.

"That's my girl" He said truly happy.

"I can't believe you did this now… I'm wearing sweatpants!" I pointed out looking down at what I was wearing.

"You really don't want to admit it but you read way too many romance novels if you were expecting the nice restaurant, the string quartet and me dropping to my knee."

"This… was perfect." I confessed.

"And I'm telling you one thing. It doesn't need to happen soon… And I didn't get you this to brand you as mine. I just want everyone to know just how much you are worth to me. How valuable you are and how incredibly lucky I am to have you."

* * *

He built me my house, he designed it, scrimp and saved and came the closest to build it with his own hands.

I helped quite a lot too.

But he was right, dark hardwood floors feel amazing under my very pregnant and swollen feet. But his arms around the swell of his child inside of me feel a lot better.

In just a few months I'll be facing what it surely be the most difficult trial of my life. It scares me beyond words, and the memory of a past loss still hangs on me.

But no matter how scary, I'll get through it, as long as he's there, holding my hand and looking into my eyes while I accomplish the impossible.

* * *

_**And there you have it. It's all done. It is truly bittersweet for me, but it had to come to an end, this story has gone full circle. **_

_**Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you have taught me a lot about writing, and who knows? Maybe I will write a book one of days just because you showed me I could write something this long and not throw in the towel.**_

_**I will not write a sequel, I think this story has given me all that it had to give me, but I envision them being happy and having difficult trials in their relationship, but raising above them. They will have their dysfunctional happily ever after.**_

_**With nothing else to add, just thank you once again, and if anyone wants to keep in touch, or share with me your own stories, I'll be more than happy.**_

_**Caracol**_


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